The DUFF

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As a general rule for myself & this blog I try not to do really obscure movies because I feel like people only like to read/click on things they have seen/heard of, but maybe this one is just for me.

This is a movie I got on a whim from the library because I was interested to see if Bella Thorne could act (she can kind of?) and I love Mae Whitman (she can definitely!). I almost returned without watching but renewed instead (there’s some metaphor about life in that somewhere!!!) and just watched right now.

I loved this movie. And not in an ironic, ‘it’s so bad it’s good’ way, in a very genuine real way. The script is the best thing about it, it’s based on a book, and either the screen adapter person is incredible or the author did it and the book is really good too. I don’t even want to read the book though because I feel like I got it and I really liked the vehicle it was in and I liked the vehicle more than the ideas maybe?

Like ok, yes, there were some profound things in it but I didn’t feel I was connecting on a deep reverent “Art” level but something about this felt deeply personal to me and I loved it a lot and I DID cry and that’s fine but what’s weird is I feel bad now? Normally after watching a movie I really like I get a feeling of satisfaction but I kind of just feel empty and sad and I think it’s cause it was too real????? I’m also just in a place and very vulnerable to emotions right now.

This movie centers around the concept of one word/acronym, that also was a huge devastating blow to me when I found out about it- there are some words that truly are a terrible discovery because it means there’s this concept people are naming and calling out and aware of for this terrible feeling you thought was a secret that no one knew, and it makes you feel like ‘society’ is just a place that has categorizations and judgements for things that correlate with value and this is an example of where you fall short/fail. FUPA is an example of this. DUFF, the title of the movie, is also one. (Why are they always acronyms?)

DUFF stands for ‘Designated Ugly Fat Friend’ and it is used to describe a person (usually girl but the movie is very deliberate to point out it is gender neutral/can be used on anyone) who is less attractive than their group of friends who people trying to fuck the hot friends use to get to them. That’s probably too many ambiguous pronouns for one sentence (what is this German???) but you get it.

Learning what this word was in high school (and early college!) DEVASTATED me because I was like, “is that all I am to people??” and this movie is ENTIRELY that journey. Except, during this journey, the main character is actually very pretty and is best friends with the hottest guy in school and he’s helping her and they fall in love and they end up together. Oooh I think I just figured out why I feel terrible!

The whole point of this movie is to dispel that concept and say, “Labels are meaningless! Just be yourself!” which I agree with, but it kind of makes it hard to believe that when the narrative of the story uses things that align with societal values to validate an idea saying societal values are meaningless? Does that makes sense?

Like, ok. I shaved my head a few months ago. I did it to be ugly honestly. Because I wanted to get rid of the security blanket that hair is for me and just face my insecurities of being seen as ugly or unfeminine or undesirable, and I didn’t want to worry about what I looked like all the time and I thought if I just took it out of my own hands and looked ‘bad’ (by my own estimation) there would HAVE to come a time during the long growing out process when I just truly couldn’t worry/care anymore and I would be set free.

Then when I shaved my head people LOVED it and told me I was beautiful (which was tight as hell) BUT in my mind I kind of thought then that I would never experience the other, (then God was like NUH UH BITCH) because I moved and now it’s growing out and doing a weird goth Florence Henderson thing and I am having to meet all these people when I feel ugly and like a French boy going through puberty and it’s testing me!!!

During this time, I certainly don’t have the hottest guy in school (what is the New York comedy scene equivalent of that??? Conan O’Brien??) validating me, and that’s difficult. I’ve almost never had a guy (let alone the hottest one!!!) validating me and I forgot that that can be great too though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that experience in a movie where someone’s just validating themselves for the whole thing?¬†(It doesn’t count if it’s a weird false empowerment thing for one scene, OR only in the beginning of the movie as a means of attracting the guy she ends up being with).

Part of me doesn’t want to post this because I aM meeting all these new people and this goes directly against the whole ‘sexy fun carefree!!!’ vibe I think I’m supposed to be committing to but I feel like my hair is already letting people in on that lil secret ūüôā

The other part of me that doesn’t want to post this (it’s almost all the parts!) is because it reads more like a diary entry during a TED talk on body dysmorphia rather than a movie review but, it’s my blog bitch!!!! ( I really like saying bitch now!! It kind of came out of nowhere).

ALSO I’m realizing a huge OTHER part of this is when you’re body positive and plus size people want you to be Yas Qween all the time because they haven’t confronted the fucked up body stuff that they believe so when you feel insecure or have doubts they don’t know how to deal/comfort you at ALL because they believe all the fucked up bad things you’re feeling, but I’m not Yas Qween all the time!! I feel bad too and fat women are supposed to be CONFIDENT and sometimes sassy and it feels like you’re not allowed to have nuance of emotion publicly because it makes other people uncomfortable because then they have to acknowledge your body and they don’t know how to do that. ALSO sometimes people start to see you through your own insecurities and then you’re like, ‘damn I should be able to express this to you without it changing your opinion of me because I’m a whole person and I’m allowed to have flaws!!’ Whew!

I guess most of all I’m shocked that a movie with Bella Thorne in it made me FEEL things? But it did. I moved three months ago and am going through a breakup (yes STILL-until I get married and/or fingered in a car I will be going through it ok???) and I’m trying to hang curtains and a shelf by myself, and life is a highway and I’m gonna ride it all night long!!

Speaking of riding stuff, this movie DOES have a very classic teen plot arc we have all come to know and love. There is a HOPELESS (read: still very hot) nerd character who is just TOO smart to be appreciated by the immature idiots in high school. They (she in this case) finds a hot idiot who’s actually NOT an idiot after all—but full of insight and hidden wisdom—to teach them in something that starts off flippant (as a bet or a game or a challenge!) that turns into something REAL and emotionally intricate for both of them. There is a dance at the end where people’s true selves are revealed, usually by finding a dress that they added plaid to because they just can’t bear to conform any longer.

This movie literally has all those things in it and they’re great and satisfying. It’s like watching someone tie a bow made entirely out of cliched tropes, on a present that is your memory. The guy is very hot in a way I wasn’t ready for (because I’m so alt!!!) and that’s always good, to remind yourself that you’re still attracted to very hot people.

I’ll say again, my fave part was definitely the script, it was really well done, light and the dialogue felt natural and genuinely funny, something that is rarer than any gemstone. I will take a natural-sounding genuinely funny script over a diamond any day pal, and don’t you think I won’t.

Great cameo roles from Ken Jeong and Allison Janney and some other people I recognized but don’t want to look up.

This is the most personal one of these I’ve ever written, and I really hope I don’t have any of those Joe Rogan reddit guys who were mad at me a while back following still because I don’t want to open up for them but maybe this is exactly what they need to hear to realize that women-nah it’s not and nothing ever will be! Joe Rogan is a plague on this Earth that only female-centered novels and diva cups can even hope to cure. (To me!!! My opinion!!!! I’m glad he taught you it was ok to be weird!)

Well, I think we’ve all learned something, you have learned some of my deepest and most lingering insecurities, and I have learned that sometimes I need a D list comedy from 2015 to access my feelings!! Win win because I watch those all the time!!

4.9/5 plaid prom dresses that your friend in high school who just so HAPPENS to be into fashion design and able to sew on a professional level made for you in like one hour with no notice before The Dance, would masturbate again

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Bachelorette

 

bachelorette-posterThis is me telling you to watch Bachelorette on Netflix. It’s so good. I love it. It’s BEEN so good, I don’t know why it isn’t everywhere and why people aren’t yelling about it to everyone.

This is one of those female-driven RAUNCHY comedies you’ve heard so much about! Starring all your wet dreams, Isla Fisher, Lizzy Caplan, and Kirsten Dunst as bridesmaids!! (It’s not that raunchy comedy though, this is a different one). Their friend from high school Becky (Rebel Wilson) is getting married! Except whoops, the night before the wedding they get high on coke and ruin her dress. They were trying to fit two people in it, in a cruel joke which could backfire on anyone. This launches them on a debaucherous nighttime journey to fix it, BUT ALSO THEMSELVES!!!!

Everyone has their own problems in addition to the shared main one, (I love how well the characters are written, they are casual and complex at the same time, just like REAL people!!). Lizzy Caplan, Gena, plays a girl who’s not over her ex-boyfriend from high school because he didn’t drive her to their abortion so she hates him but they were perfect together and she really still loves him but is too PROUD and GUARDED to admit it. (Also: Party Down fans- it felt like a fun little inside nod-her ex-boyfriend is Adam Scott!!! Isn’t that so perfect and wonderful??? Don’t we all miss that show?? Why didn’t it last forever?) Kirsten Dunst, Regan, plays a tough bitch who has her shit together and is a great friend but is also deeply unhappy and doesn’t know why. I LOVED Kirsten Dunst in this movie, mostly because this is the first time I’ve seen her play old and mean (of course she’s not that old, but she’s not a teen or ingenue or wide-eyed love interest/muse type) and she KILLS it. She was BORN to be old and mean!! Then my fave, Isla Fisher, Katie, the most interesting one to me, who is a fun ditz that loves to party but is also suicidal. And she plays it with this incredible control and subtlety that’s just, wow.

They go so many places for this dress, they go to the Bridal shop in the middle of the night to get a whole new dress but the only one they have in Becky’s size is Regan’s dream dress and she JUST CAN’T (white girl battle cry!!) so she makes them leave. She’s about to lick the sidewalk to prove how much the dress means to her, then somehow they get re-routed to a strip club where the Bachelor party is.

James Marsden plays Trevor, a lovable misogynist who refers to women as ‘things’ and encourages basically rape (2012!) and is the essential antithesis of his character Chris in 30 Rock. It’s fun to watch him be so believable in both. He and Regan have an interesting conversation where he “challenges” her and they have sex in a bathroom (basically acting out the idea that all powerful women just need to get fucked, but sometimes they do) which seems satisfying for everyone. I like that they don’t end up together.

This guy Joe from high school has been following Katie around all night and forever, he used to sell her weed and let her copy his homework and she doesn’t know his name but they are havin’ fun! Until the night takes a turn and Katie tries to kill herself. He is the one who finds her passed out after a Xanax OD attempt and he really cares about her/helps save her life. I like that they don’t end up together.

Gena somehow gets her ex-boyfriend (Clyde/Adam) out of a pickle at the strip club with a baby powder bottle full of coke and then they go to his MOM’s house, who is good at sewing. She ends up saving the day while her son and Gena have sex/eat pancakes. One of my favorite lines comes at this part, when Clyde gives Gena her pancake and says, “It’s got a frowny face on it cause the whole world’s an asshole” in a teasing tone making fun of her general demeanor and outlook.

Basically moms rule, and she finishes the dress. They get everything to the church/outdoor tent in time and get Becky down the aisle. But not before Becky calls Regan a blonde cunt, which felt like it needed to happen. They also don’t go down the aisle because collectively the three of them are covered in vomit, coming off a suicide attempt, and probably still a little coked up. I liked that all the main characters in this movie were cool failures.

The vibe the whole time was that these three girls used to make fun of Becky in high school and now it’s weird she’s more together than them, but we find out that Becky hid/took the blame for Regan’s bulimia the whole time, so really she’s been great this whole time, she’s just fat which often people conflate with “not doing well.” She even at one point, before marrying the man of her dreams who loves her, says, “Everyone thinks I’m too fat for him” which shows, even when YOU and YOUR PARTNER are happy, weight shit still affects identity and self-worth stuff if you let it. Fuck that! !

Sidenote: There was an article I read a while back that highlighted an excerpt from this man’s book who data-mined all these companies who log their search algorithms and an entire section was about porn and the most interesting part to me was that the MOST searched thing in the US was larger women. WHICH MEANS, that so many people are attracted to that body type but since we are all shamed into thinking it’s bad they don’t act on it because they’re afraid of what people will think, and then those women think no one wants them, and basically everyone could be happy if they accepted who they are and didn’t listen to companies trying to sell them jeans. Ok????

I liked the way relationships are communicated and handled in this movie, it feels pretty real and well-written. Like the funny friend in the movie is the same amount of funny your friends are in real life, not overdone or cheesy or staged. And even though they were doing coke out of a baby powder bottle or licking sidewalks or throwing up in bathtubs, I really would want to hang out with these characters! They were a mess and I can be a mess sometimes and it was fun to watch and I liked that no one had a real job I had to try to relate to.

In the end everything works out and everyone watches the wedding from a bench then drinks some more, and that’s how I want my wedding to be. If I could just sit in a corner and watch my wedding with my friends while we were drinking that would potentially be the best case scenario. And like stuff with my husband too, but not the WHOLE time.

This movie is also 1 hour and 20 min which is a GREAT LENGTH for a movie. You get engrossed and you’re watching something for longer than a show but none of your kids graduated college while you were in it, ya know? I just want all my kids to be happy is my main thing.

This movie is written and directed by Leslye Headland and it’s also based on the play she wrote. So, she seems great.

7/8 blood stains on ribbed satin, would masturbate again.

 

 

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The Standups

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People have been referencing this season (? What is it? Collection? Series?) on Netflix for what feels like a year and I saw a clip of it on fb and decided to watch it once and for all.

Nate Bargatze:

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Firstmost, Nate Bargatze, to me, is one of the most effortlessly funny people I have ever seen. I think he’s so funny, his delivery is so perfect and dry and I love that his material is usually something I wouldn’t even begin to know how to write a joke about. Just hammocks or something else completely mundane. It’s fascinating and cool because it’s so different from me/what I think like/write like. So that’s great.

In this special there were a lot of really good moments but for something that was 30 minutes I was expecting a lot more punches I guess. It didn’t seem like his jokes were landing as well as they normally do. I’ve seen him do this same material and murder and this response seemed pretty tepid, and he also didn’t seem that comfortable/into it. I also wasn’t laughing as much as I know I have. So that was generally just weird. It’s like rewatching a movie you know you love and suddenly not connecting with it. I wasn’t even really going to write a review because who needs my opinion on this?/I don’t really have that much of an opinion. I think he’s incredibly funny, but I don’t think this was a home run (that’s something he has great material on too!), and that’s really all the opinions I have on this special.

BUT then I HAD to write one because halfway through I noticed I THINK THERE WERE TWO AUDIENCES????? I think they filmed this twice and cut it together!!! Is that possible-who can confirm or deny this for me? I say this because I love looking in the audience during stand up specials and for the beginning I was like, JEsuS all the women in the front row are really beautiful, then they kept cutting back to the same angle (and I would CHECK-front row, no chairs in front of them-to make sure it wasn’t a different angle of a new row somehow) and it was different people! Then I was watching vigilantly and I identified two sets of people for the front row on each side and I am convinced they did a 7:00pm and a 9:00pm then cut them together depending on which jokes did better at which show.

I also have sadly conflicting feelings about Nate Bargatze because I have heard he’s Republican which makes me sad and I hope isn’t true and not that people can’t be Republican, but to be Republican during Trump is honestly deranged and indicative of a failing of some kind to me, (I’m sorry my entire extended family) and it just makes me sad. Sad! But comedy isn’t about agreeing with someone and like I said I think he’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever seen, it just hurts my heart.

Also, I googled the Trip Advisor review from the Wilmington serpentarium like he says and I found it,

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so that’s fun. That was one joke that I remember going sooo much better- I opened for him in New Orleans and I heard him do this bit and the hammock stuff and I was dying but here I just chuckled a few times. And maybe the other factors had some effect, hearing it for the first time vs. second, show environment vs. at home on Netflix, these totally come into play but it was a huge difference and I don’t think it was JUST that.

3/5 hammits, wouldn’t masturbate again to this specifically but would to him always.

Fortune Feimster:

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Now I think I’m just gonna do all of them. First of all, my audience theory is shaken by this one because it’s the same people so I don’t think they would make one audience sit through the same people two times each, that seems terrible. (Also why didn’t they rotate the audience? Usually when it’s the same night they move people around to make it look different, I’m curious as to why they didn’t here).

Anyway. I had never seen her stand up!! She’s so funny! My favorite joke (there were two) was when she was talking about the hardest time it was to be gay, which was when gay people started boycotting Chick-fil-A and she was like, “Cause I’m fat first, and a lesbian second” which had me ROLLING, that’s so fucking funny. There’s also another line where she was talking about Jesus judging people for being gay and she just had a surprised reaction where she was like, “Jesus!!!” that tickled me a lot.

I thought most of her set was pretty strong, but then at the end the whole last two minutes was callbacks and the last joke of the night had a punchline that was like just a series of callbacks to other jokes from the set, like 3 or 4 of them and that was too much for me. One can be good if it’s surprising but if I can see them coming they seem really formulaic and it seems like a cheap laugh somehow. But I really loved her stage presence she’s so engaging and likable, I really enjoyed her.

4/5 handy j’s (a great name for a handjob), would masturbate again.

Deon Cole:

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Weird. Interesting? Mostly not for me. It was a lot of “bitches are like this” and generally relying on things as being facts/understood that I don’t believe in, like that you hate your spouse because all relationships are like that, or gender is this, or women are this, etc. Some things I thought were funny, at one point he was like, “I hate when white people know more about black history than me” which I thought was really funny and wanted to hear more about but that was the whole thing. He did a lot of one-liners that were structured, “You know when you _____?” that seemed more like premises that were funny in themselves but unfinished.

He also brought a paper out with him that was his set list-at first he did a bit with it where he was pretending it was to keep track of what jokes worked or not but then it became clear he was reading off it, and even referenced, “you know when you write something but you can’t read your own handwriting?” then at the end of the set he was like, “I can’t find my last joke. Usually a comedian leaves on a big laugh, but I can’t find that joke. So I’m just going to leave.” Which shocked me and seemed incredibly unpolished? Unprofessional? I don’t know the word. It shocked me though. I was like, “You know this is being taped right?” in my head but he couldn’t hear me.

He did some funny stuff about his son cursing, and there were a few lines I laughed/smiled at but I also rolled my eyes a lot, which is never a great sign. The audience liked him though, he mostly did a good job I’d say. Just wasn’t for me.

1.5/5 b.a.n-words, would not masturbate again.

Nikki Glaser:

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Lol maybe I’m getting burned out? Nah, I think it’s just that i watch stand up so much I just don’t like a lot of it. But yeah, this one wasn’t really for me either. I know she’s really good friends with Amy Schumer and I felt that same vibe that was in Amy’s last special, you know the really terrible one, where it’s like, “I’m talking about a dog fucking my vagina!! Isn’t that crazy because I’m pretty and a woman?” And look, don’t get me wrong, I talk about fucking dogs all the time, but there’s an art to it. She honestly talked about her dog going down on her for 6-7 minutes. The whole special is like 28 minutes so that’s like a fourth of it-that’s what it felt like anyway.

This one felt really long to me, probably because I mostly wasn’t enjoying it, but I remember checking the time and being like, “It’s probably almost over” and she was only 10 minutes in. She has this delivery style that’s become really popular that I kind of can’t stand- it’s stating something false then letting it trail off? And then doing that like 4 more times about the same thing where it seems like you’re correcting but then you just say something else untrue and that’s the joke? A lot of people do it and I hate it. I don’t know how to describe it better than that but ugh. I’m sure I could remember or create an example but I really don’t like it so much I don’t want to. So just use your mind or go back and see.

Something also happening for me that I was struggling with during this one was trying not to hate her/write her off because she’s thin? I’m trying to distill out what’s internalized misogyny/feeling threatened by and competitive with women, or comparing myself to them and being mad that I don’t fit a standardized beauty norm that they do that gives them privileges that I don’t have, but also some of it is that I think being skinny is boring now? And I’m more interested in different body types (only in women though, so that’s something I should examine too) but I really loved watching Fortune Feimster and seeing her body on stage and watching people love her because you never see fat bodies presented like that/receiving love/acceptance and Nikki Glaser is just this thin hot blonde woman talking about her Match.com profile and how dating is hard for her because she doesn’t run and farts sometimes and there’s just nothing interesting to me there.

It also bothers me when women have these ideas of femininity that they perform and say on stage like it has to be performed because it reinforces that idea which I think is stupid- like she was saying that she held her farts in for four years because she didn’t want to fart in front of her boyfriend that she lived with (and yes of course she’s allowed to feel and do anything she wants, I just think it’s stupid and boring) and I’m watching, annoyed like, “women can fart!!!” but I don’t have a boyfriend either so maybe she’s right, I don’t know and I don’t care. I would rather be alone than have to be around someone all the time I couldn’t be myself with and that’s why I don’t really care about dating and if someone likes me they do but I’m not going to change myself to fit some idea of what some imperfect stranger wants me to be.

Anyway, this wasn’t really for me. (Am I a hater?) 2/5 dog vaginas, would not masturbate again.

Beth Stelling:

Photoshoot for Fjallraven for the American Fjallraven Classic.

Ok I loved this one!!!!! Fave so far. Really great. She’s such an incredible writer, this one was SO packed with jokes, it felt like there was a joke every 3 seconds. Even things I didn’t think were funny (one joke about froyo) were funny because her delivery is so interesting.

The only thing that bothered me was that her face foundation didn’t match her skin tone??? It was distracting and looked terrible and made me feel bad for her but she did so well it didn’t matter. This was the best one so far I think, she seemed so comfortable and the audience was WITH her, from the beginning and throughout and no one else has had that yet. They’ve gotten consistent laughs but it seems like they have to work for them and don’t get them every time/no one’s hit a rhythm yet.

This one it felt like she was in the zone and it passed so quickly, this is the only one that I wished was longer and was sad when it was over.

4.5/5 red sneakers (I LOVED her outfit), would definitely masturbate again.

Dan Soder:

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Eh. WASN’T FOR ME. That seems to be the vibe of so many of these. I don’t not like them, I don’t think they’re bad, I just don’t find them funny.

This guy, he laughs at SO many of his jokes. After them, in the middle of them, and it was distracting and whatever the opposite of endearing is. He also talked about his breakup and that his ex-gf was a bad person and when people didn’t laugh at that (why would they? it’s not a joke yet, you have to say the joke part) he was like, “Oh are all of you her friends? Good” and that was annoying because comics do that a lot- first of all you have to tell a joke to get a laugh and second of all, we didn’t date them and you haven’t established trust yet (even though this was like 20 min in) so you have to tell/show/whatever to get us on your side because we’re not there yet.

Idk, he talked a lot about things that I don’t care about/aren’t interesting to me. Like how the voice you use with your grandma affects your masculinity and how he thinks reality TV is stupid and video games are cool, and how setting wolves loose would help ‘society’ cause we’re just ‘all on our phones man,’ and how ponytails on men make them bad and how catcalling women is actually just about those men having so much confidence and he can’t believe someone has that much dick confidence and he’s not like that at all.

I think that was part of what turned me off to him was that he has this self-deprecating thing he kept coming back to, saying he didn’t have the confidence of all these other kinds of men, that he wears t-shirts to the pool, never works out, etc. Always making himself seem like the victim/lesser in these situations he would describe but he’s pretty attractive and it felt like a false humility? Idk. I’m sure there’s plenty for him to feel insecure about but it felt like he was just saying that because that’s what he thinks you have to do onstage to get the audience to like you.

Anyway, just not for me!! He did have a line I really liked about about ranch, he was like, “it’s gotta be from the valley, and it’s gotta be a secret!” (talking about Hidden Valley) and that’s very funny to me. But that was kind of it.

2/5 haunted ex-girlfriends, would not masturbate again.

 

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mother!

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Loved it. Absolutely loved it. I walked home for 20 blocks grinning because it made me giddy. Right off the bat-was a lot of it completely over the top? Yes, absolutely. The whole second half requires you make a huge leap with him and I completely get if people didn’t/wouldn’t do that. It was kind of insane and little too much like, “THIS IS A METAPHOR” but I was pretty on board and loveddddd where it went and the payoff was enough for me, but there were definitely moments where I had my doubts.

The film opens on someone putting a glass egg rock on a mount and we see life come back into a house and a person forms in bed who rolls over and says, “Baby?” looking for someone. It’s Jennifer Lawrence and she gets out of bed and pads around this entire empty beautiful house and opens the door to look outside and is surprised by Javier Bardem behind her.

The acting in this is incredible and this first shot establishes that immediately-right when he comes up behind her, she beams and kisses him and he says, “I must stink” and she says, “I like it” and he says, “I need to wash up” or something to that effect, and leaves to take his shower while she watches him climb the stairs and he never looks back. We instantly can tell that she loves him more than he loves her, we just don’t know why.

Then there’s a lot of establishing shots following her around the house. He’s a writer, so he attempts to do that a lot and she sits around a lot watching him do that (girl!!!). She also has her own house stuff she does. We learn she’s fixed up almost the entire house by herself, it was his childhood home that burned to the ground that she’s rebuilt, sanded, reinforced, refurbished, all those words. One of the projects we see is her mixing plaster (?) and putting this dye/powder in it that she also later drinks (?) to make it different colors of beige and then uses a trowel to cover the wall with it. Why not paint? Why not a brush? Very unclear.

So this goes on for a while and it seems very terrible for her, she loves this person and he’s pretty emotionally withdrawn from her (only speaks to her briefly, always seems to want to get away) until one night when he’s “writing” (sitting in front of a blank piece of paper holding a pen) and they hear a knock at the door, spooky!

He tells her ‘stay here’ (ugh) and goes to answer. And it’s not spooky at all, it’s just Ed Harris! He’s a neurosurgeon and he’s come to stay because he thought it was a bed and breakfast. This is actually a lie and he’s a dying fan but we’ll get to that!!

He hits on Jennifer Lawrence and smokes in the house and generally gives her weird vibes. I forgot-before this she had a moment with the house where she pressed her hand against a wall and could feel a living thing with a heartbeat. She also keeps getting these dizzy spells that she drinks saffron for (the yellow dye) and it seems to help. Javier is like, ‘This isn’t a bed and breakfast but you can stay anyway, I hate my wife!’ And JLaw’s like ‘Wtf!!’ but caves because she’s too in love, which if not reciprocated, is a terrible blinding curse.

She goes to give Ed the linens for his bed later and finds him throwing up in the bathroom with Javier, with a huge gash on his back that they try to hide from her. Javier implores her to ‘give him some privacy’ in her own house but ok, and she leaves. She sees Ed’s lighter on an end table and pushes it off the edge to fall behind the dresser or whatever it is.

The next day his wife comes (Michelle Pfeiffer) and she is an alcoholic card. There’s a very tense scene where she’s asking Jennifer (no one has any names. The IMDB page is just, “Man, Woman, Him, Mother,¬†Idler, Cupbearer, Damsel, Bumbler, Philaderer, Fool, etc.) why she doesn’t want kids, and how their sex life is, and it ends with her basically implying that Javier doesn’t love her anymore.

This movie escalates really quickly, people just keep coming into the house and Jennifer Lawrence is getting more and more upset, and finally the sons come and are arguing and one kills the other one (potential call to Cain and Abel? There’s a religious thing later we’ll get to) with a doorknob and leaves. The family rushes him to the hospital and Javier goes with them as Jennifer Lawrence is crying, “Please don’t leave me,” but of course he does, and she has to clean up the blood and everything by herself. This takes us on a magical realism tour of the house where the walls start crying blood and crumbling and she finds a passageway that a single toad hops out of. (Biblical reference to the plagues?) Jennifer was going to explore said cavern/hole but hears something upstairs. The brother who didn’t get murdered came back for his wallet and leaves but not before imparting, “He left you here alone? You really do understand” referencing how he was asking her if she understood while he cried, “They always leave me they were going to leave me all alone” and gripped her face in his blood covered hand. Hey buddy, buy a girl dinner first!

Javier comes back and she’s calmed momentarily, but then all these other people start pouring in because he said they could have the services at the house. This escalates more and more until people break the sink (it’s not braced!!) and she screams at everyone to leave.

This prompts a fight between Jennifer and Javier where she’s like, “I’m not enough and you want to have kids but you can never fuck me” then there’s a weirdly violent rape scene? He doesn’t rape her and it’s not violent violent but he’s kind of raping her then she ends up liking it and changes to be into it. (Sidenote: this was a scene where I was like, “Do I trust any men to tell stories? Not really” cause I don’t think you’ll find a movie with one of those scenes that’s directed by a woman but male directed movies are just littered with them).

Then she wakes up bathed in light and she *knows* that she’s pregnant (I think they did that cause how else were they gonna get a pregnancy test to this abandoned ass farm?? But yeah sure some women know 10 hrs after having sex they’re pregnant. The body can just tell! Legitimate rape!) and there is a BRIEF moment of happiness between them before he gets up and begins to write furiously. He keeps writing all morning and she’s like, “Well I don’t want to disturb you” then doesn’t for like 6 months until she feels the baby kick and runs to tell him and once again is eclipsed because he’s JUST finished his piece.

She reads it, and cries because it’s so beautiful but also she’s scared of losing him, which he assures her will never happen (lol, you can’t lose something you don’t have my bb). Then the phone rings and it’s his publisher (Kristen Wiig), she loves it. JLaw is like, “She’s seen it?” and he’s like, “Of course.” Then they do pregnancy stuff: buy a crib, put a rug over that blood stain on the floor where someone was murdered, knit a blanket, you know, pregnancy stuff!

Then JLaw is wearing a grecian cut cotton gown (the whole time he keeps calling her his ‘goddess,’ and also he’s a huge feminist on Twitter) and makeup for the first time and she’s cooked a huge feast and is putting it out on the dining room table to celebrate his book selling out in the first day. Then there’s a knock on the window and it’s some fans who want him to sign something and he goes out to bask in their adoration and she keeps asking him to come back inside but he keeps asking her to give him another minute. Then a woman and her child come in to use the bathroom and Jennifer’s like, “You have to get out” and the kid has an accident and she’s like, “Ok I’ll help you but then you really need to leave” then she sees that ALL these people are inside her house.

From this moment on we leave the reality that has been created/understood up until this point and the movie enters a fantastical realm. Many stages of society are enacted within the house, religious ceremony, war, sex trafficking, war, fighting, prayer, refuge, Kristen Wiig shooting someone in the head, etc. etc. Jennifer keeps trying to get out of her house and traveling through all these worlds that have seemingly just popped up-they seem like circles of hell, or different stages of revolution, or societal collapse. Sin maybe? I was thinking about what it could be a metaphor for, because it so clearly is meant to be non-literal, and I was thinking perhaps how ideas and art are co-opted for political gain/war, because the people keep justifying their misdeeds by the poem (when stealing things from the house: “everything is ours, just like the poet says”) and he’s this figurehead to them that represents some ideology that’s fueling all the chaos and damage.

It also made me think of Twitter (because that’s where my mind always is) and social media in general and boundaries- how people share parts of themselves but then others use it to invade and overrun, and how often people close to artists get wrapped up in that even though they didn’t want it/ask for it and often their private lives and details become a consumable for the public.

I also thought the house was a metaphor for something, possibly their relationship, because it had a heartbeat Jennifer kept checking on and throughout the movie it was slowly dying and at the end when she decides to leave him (after a crowd of people kill her baby), it’s dead. Also how on the nose is that for dating someone who’s broken? Rebuilding their house while you live in it? Yes.

Oh yeah, so she has the baby in the room he boarded up bc the guests broke the heart crystal from the beginning (so much symbolism!!! The english major in me is dying of happiness and wants to read/write a million analytical essays on this movie) and she keeps asking him to tell them to leave until finally he says he doesn’t want them to leave, then she won’t let him hold the baby. She falls asleep for one second and he takes it out and passes it around amongst the crowd. This baby is crowdsurfing like he’s at a NIN concert, until we hear a SICKENING crunch and JLaw loses it and rushes to get to him but he’s already dead and his body is on an alter and people are eating him. Then she goes nuts and starts stabbing people with a huge piece of glass, they turn on her and beat her while calling her a cunt until Javier comes over and stops it. He holds her and tells her they need to find it in their hearts to forgive the mob and she cries, “You killed my baby.”

Then she finds the lighter she pushed behind the dresser from before and goes down to the blood basement chamber and kicks in the furnace. While all the oil is spilling out, Javier pleads with her not to do it. She says, “You never loved me, you just loved how much I loved you” ¬†and lights everything on fire and it all burns. YES BITCH.

Javier carries her somewhere and she’s crying, “I was never enough you took everything everything from me. What hurts the most is I was never enough” and he’s like, “You could never be enough, that’s the only way I can write, that’s how it has to be.” And she’s like “Just let me go I have nothing left to give.” And he’s like, “Do you still have your love?” and she nods while crying and he reaches into her belly, which collapses into ash, and pulls out a beating thing that immediately hardens and turns black. Then he cracks it open and inside is a beautiful glass rock that he carries it to the pedestal from the beginning. Once he puts it in the whole house revives and we see a figure form on the bed who rolls over (new actress, not Jennifer Lawrence) and says, “Baby?”

!!!!!!!! Amazing amazing amazing amazing. I am grinning just remembering it. I really want to ask Darren Aronofsky who hurt him-or maybe he’s incredibly self-aware, because it seems like this movie is all about the one-sidedness of some relationships and how some people use the love of others selfishly. Ugh, it was so good and I lovedddd it. Also the song that played right after this blackout, during the credits (which also might have been the only music in the movie? Is that right? There was a techno song that played when their house turned into a hell rave but other than that I don’t think there was a soundtrack) was a slowed down cover of The End of the World by Skeeter Davis which is what’s playing on the record player on repeat when Brittany Murphy hangs herself in Girl, Interrupted and Winona Ryder goes up and finds her.

I loved this movie. It reminded me of a play in a lot of ways. Minimal characters, an emotional build that gives depth to actions that would normally seem mundane, quick turns of events that heighten situations exponentially, etc. It felt so much like a play now that I’m thinking of it. Like I said, the acting was terrific. There was so much going on beyond the words everyone was saying, there were these scenes that were so loaded-it was incredible. I mean, Michelle Pfeiffer probably has maybe thirty lines if we counted them all out but her CHARACTER was incredible.

One of the most haunting things about this is that throughout people kind of make comments about their age difference (‘Must be hard when you have a decade between you’) and the cyclical nature of the ending makes you think he’s been doing this for years and years to so many women and that’s harrowing to consider. Also lol,¬†my favorite lesson from this movie was that a lot of men like horror movies but don’t realize that the true horror is men who are emotionally unavailable¬†ūüėé

I want to watch this movie again in like a year to see how I feel about it after sitting with it for a while and like I said I also want to read a million essays of interpretations of it. I wanted to write this first though so it wouldn’t be tainted. Maybe I will go back and include comments/theories of some of the good ones.

For right now, 8/10 bloody toads, would masturbate again.

 

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Gaga: Five Foot Two

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!!! The Lady Gaga doc is on Netflix right now and I watched it!!! K- honestly I didn’t know what I was going to think because she kind of lost me in the shock and awe campaign that was the meat dress and most of what followed it and then with Joanne, a lot of them don’t really seem like bangers they’re kind of melodically meandering and A Million Reasons is beautiful (especially in live recordings and when I saw her do it on carpool karaoke I cried which is embarrassing on a lot of different levels, but it’s also true about me and I need to embrace that) but this doc gave me a new respect which is probably exactly what it intended to do, and hey it worked!!!

SO to start. This doc starts sort of following the creation of her new album Joanne (is it a PR move to gain hype? Probably!). There’s lots of ‘strategy’ behind this kind of stuff that I do think is considered but also people can just want to share things and you can’t be cynical about everything otherwise what’s the point of living and sometimes you just have to accept someone’s art even if it’s in the form of a Netflix documentary. Great, now that we got that out of the way, I loved it!!! She was a producer so I thought that meant it would be kind of fluffy and only show her in a good light and mostly it did (Well, there are a lot of scenes of her crying and I guess you could argue that makes her sympathetic but I wouldn’t necessarily say that is ‘good’ light) but ANYWAY.

Basically, the name of the album and many of the songs revolve around her dad’s sister who died when she was 19 because she had Lupus and some other stuff and she was an artist and had lesions on her hands and the doctors kind of didn’t know what to do in the 70’s so they said they needed to amputate her hands which was heartbreaking because she was an artist but I also think the operation didn’t go well because she died shortly afterwards and it affected the whole family and Lady Gaga (Stephanie!) was little and was around this and absorbed it/was influenced by the effect it had on her whole family.

(That was one sentence and I know some of my old professors would be horrified but I’m proud that I could distill the impetus for her entire album in one breathless thought!!)

There’s a scene where she’s playing the title track for her Grandma and she’s crying and her dad has to leave the room and her Grandma says twice that it’s beautiful but not to get too maudlin about it because it was a long time ago and everyone needs to keep living. Her Grandma seemed like a fucking G and she had peaches and Lady Gaga was like, “Oh a peach! Can I have a peach Grandma?” and her Grandma was like, “Of course, anything you find in there you can have” and I think lots of Grandma’s sign a secret code where they all buy those hangers that are wrapped in ribbon/crocheted and agree to love unconditionally and be tough for the whole family.

The doc was beautifully shot, we went to a desert music video, the superbowl, a christening, a concert on a building in New York, many venues and places. I was surprised by how, I’m not sure the word, but maybe accessible she was? She just kinda puts it out there. Also something I learned that I liked was that she was talking about male producers and how they treat female artists especially in pop music and she was saying about how all her weird fashion and outfits were in a direct response to someone saying she had to be sexy/revealing and that it was her way of staying in control and feeling like herself.

Lady Gaga has fibromyalgia, and a lot of scenes focused on the pain she felt daily and the medical/physical stuff she had to do to deal with & live with that.

She hit her producer’s car one day and money was never mentioned. I’m sure they did off-screen? But imagine getting into a car accident and not being worried about it affecting your life in any way more than if the person was mad at you.

Her parents and sister were around (the christening was for her nephew, yes she looked better than the baby), her dad seems to be traveling with her/around the most.

Before she did the Superbowl (that was kind of what the second half of the doc was focused on, and the last scene is her going out to it) I was happily surprised that she was running around and joking with everyone-I would be nervous and testy and a mess probably but she was like, “I’m not gonna do this again so I have to have all the fun right now!” which is an incredibly healthy way to look at it.

For a lot of this I was struck by similarities between her and Amy Winehouse (and not just because her new look is big hair and mostly eyeliner) they’re both jazz focused/trained talented young TINY white women (Jewish & Italian respectively) that Tony Bennet loved, and I couldn’t help but thinking that this would perhaps be what Amy’s life looked like had she gone to rehab the first time (if you haven’t watched THAT doc it’s very well done and incredibly heartbreaking and you end up hating her dad).

The love stuff was also interesting, there’s one part where there’s her audio (no video) and she’s crying and saying how all her successes in life never line up, whenever her career is going well her love life takes a hit. She even lines it up, “I sell 10 million records I lose Matt. I sell 30 million records I lose Luc. I get a movie, I lose Taylor” referring to her ex-fianc√© Taylor Kinney who she dated for five years and was breaking up with while this was shooting. It was sad. At one point she says, “I go from being touched all day and talked to, to being completely alone in silence” and that was a lot and I’m just glad she has a dog, those are necessary for these moments.

Love is difficult! I read that she’s dating someone now and I’m happy for her. I really like her after this!! I LOVED her in high school and college and like I said I kind of fell off for a while, but I’m back full force so this PR move definitely worked on me.

At one point when she’s describing Joanne (a very stripped down aesthetic-no costumes, no wigs, etc) she’s like, “It’s boring for me to be shocking everyone all the time. We’ve all seen it. I’m bored of it” but then later she’s wondering if she’s going to let down some of her older fans by not having the extravagance- it seems exhausting wondering what other people’s opinions of you will be all the time.

But she does look beautiful. And Tiny! So tiny! Mark Ronson came out looking great in this, like a collaborative feminist which I hope he is.

There’s a great scene where she buys her own CD in Walmart which was cute but also probably a marketing ploy???? (I hate that I’m being cynical now anticipating this through other’s eyes!! When I was watching it I felt genuine like for this scene/these things but I also felt the strategy. Can someone on this level ever be rid of it really?)

I love her and think she’s beautiful and I think the song A Million Reasons is gorgeous and about Taylor Kinney not her dead Aunt’s hands but art can be many things!!! Also the song Joanne is phenomenal and I want to buy the album now and this worked on me!!! I am a corporate shill!!!

It also made me jealous that I’m not a songwriter because there you can just write the words you feel and with comedy you have to find something that’s funny about it you can talk about otherwise it’s just self-indulgent and boring but there’s some parts of heartbreak/sadness that aren’t funny you’re just heartbroken and sad and you want to be vulnerable about that even if it doesn’t give anything to anyone else.

There’s also a weird “You Go Girl!” duet with her and Florence Welch that I wanted to be on board with but seemed a little corny and I didn’t like the song that much but I’m sure when it comes out I’ll love it unconditionally. We also see a lot of her tattoos in this movie because she’s not wearing very many clothes (approve!!) and there are some BEAUTIFUL ones and it made me want to get more connecting/abstract pieces.

3.5/5 pink felt hats, would masturbate again just for the Madonna mentions!!!

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The Doberman Gang

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WOWWWWWW ok so this is a movie from 1972 about a group of criminals who decide to train a bunch of dogs to rob a bank. But honestly it is so much more than that.

So, the first scene of the movie is three guys who successfully rob a bank, (Eddie, Sammy and Jojo) but put the money into the wrong car as they leave (the trunk was open! Classic mistake) and get away with nothing. Then we see a really interesting scene about masculinity that would never happen today where the three of them are just all really disappointed in themselves in a hotel room and no one’s mad at anyone. They all just take the blame themselves and feel like they let their friends down. So cute!

The mastermind, Eddie, laments for a while that he can’t rob a bank with robots, (he keeps saying how much humans make mistakes and I thought that would be a cool place to take a very different turn and have this be an AI crime movie) but he eventually just lands on dogs. After this thought he realizes the day’s disappointments are too much for him so he goes to where men with shaggy bowl cuts feel emotionally heard, a diner. It’s not a true diner experience unless you have sex with a waitress in what looks like a Joni Mitchell music video, so he does that too. After successfully having sex with a woman and drinking coffee, he goes on a walk at night to clear his head and just, figure this whole dang thing out.

During his walk at night (where I’m sure he wasn’t worried about being raped at all), he sees some youths jump a fence to a car lot. But before they can steal any thing, a group of Doberman Pinchers round them up and hold them until the owner calls the police. Eddie gives the dogs a smug but knowing grin, then goes back to his room.

The next day, without the internet, he tries to learn about dog training which is a journey in itself! Remember what the world used to be like? First he figures out what type of dogs he saw, because apparently that wasn’t common knowledge 40 years ago. Then he poses as a journalist (the next logical step) you know, for breaking all those hard hitting dog stories, and interviews this guy who works with the military training dogs, ¬†Barney. Barney tells an amazing story about his buddy who lost his life saving him jumping on a landmine to protect him in Vietnam and he’s like, “You wanna see a picture?” and of course, you guessed it, his friend is a dog.

Eddie convinces Barney to quit the military and come train dogs with him, for little to no reason. Eddie then buys an entire barn somehow even though their last bank robbery was a failure, and the other two men steal six Doberman Pinschers and one bulldog (a baker’s dozen!) in a VW bus (it’s the 70’s) and get to trainin’.

The training of the dogs is the first full hour of the movie, which I respect a lot. You can’t just tell people six dogs are going to rob a bank and expect them to believe you, you have to show us. And wow, do they. There are only three dog training montages in this movie and the rest is in real-time. It’s a lot of dog training. The idea mostly revolves around specialized whistles, and tones. It’s very high tech, Barney brought this info from the military and it’s probably top secret.

Each dog has a different color collar and they are all named after bank robbers (Bonnie, Dillinger, Pretty Boy, etc). The trainer still somehow has no idea what is going on, he thinks they’re training them to be guard dogs (Why would a guard dog need to carry a scrolled up note and learn how to jump on a counter with it?) and then after he gets a crush on the waitress he decides to poke his nose around and find out what’s really going on. He goes into the barn, which has been turned into a full scale replica of the bank from some photos that Eddie took from a secret camera he hid in a cast.

The trainer is like, “I don’t want to do this” and Eddie’s like, “ok then we’ll just kill the dogs” which was smart because he needed Barney to finish/couldn’t do it without him /needed a reason for him to stay involved. Barney agrees on the condition that he gets half the money since he’s doing all the work, and one of the other guys threatens to kill him so then he agrees to split it four ways.

Meanwhile the waitress has asked for some money cause she’s doing a lot of work too and quit her job to be there every day and Eddie’s just like, “this is business but I’ll take care of you sugar tits” he doesn’t say that last part but he might as well have. They’re robbing the bank for like 600,000 dollars and he says he’ll give her ten thousand, which you don’t have to be good at math to know is not fractionally that great. She’s pissed so she starts kissing Barney in the woods. It’s not very sensual at all.

When Eddie finds out he calls HER a dog, to the trainer he says, “teach your dog some better manners,” RUDE so she throws soup on him (gotta always have some soup handy in case a man’s going to be misogynistic to you) then Eddie HITS HER and pushes her to the ground. Because this was the 70’s and women basically weren’t people yet, none of the men care, and this movie presents it as a light-hearted little tiff that they have that never gets mentioned again/handled.

Each dog gets spikes on their collar because at some point Eddie asks if anyone could stop them and Barney’s like, “I guess someone could grab them by the throat?” and he’s like, “Oh ok, so spikes then.” I like to think that’s how Spike TV began, just a bunch of dudes not wanting to get stopped by anyone.

They do a run through but someone draws the curtains at the bank so then they go back as a Drapery Business and take all the curtains down to be cleaned or something.

The dogs can’t get in the bank because it’s a pull handle, so they have to wait for people to enter and exit. No one really seems to notice or care as six Doberman Pinschers enter the bank with spiked collars and canvas saddlebags and lie down at strategic areas all throughout the bank. No one except the only black person in the entire movie, a janitor who keeps trying to alert people who ignore him. Is there a lesson and metaphor to be learned & extrapolated from this? You betcha!

The criminals see the janitor trying to tell the guard from their window perch a building away and blow the whistles that mean attack and one of the dogs mauls the security guard. Then when they have everyone’s attention the dog with the note in his mouth (the sensitive one) approaches the teller and she reads it out loud. The note says to fill the bags with money. The tellers first try to put stacks of paper in, “Will they be able to tell?” “I don’t think so, they’re dogs,” the dogs start growling because the dudes saw it from across the street and blow the whistle that means “that’s not real money..”

So, the dogs get all the money, no one gets mauled who hasn’t been mauled already and they head back to the barn. When the two guys who took the drapes down drove back to the barn, they drove slowly and spread dirt from the farm on the way back home like little breadcrumbs of scent for the dogs to follow. They do follow, but one of the dogs gets hit by a car on the way back and dies in the street. One of his friend dogs comes up like he’s going to try to help him in some way which I was very emotionally ready for, but he just takes his saddlebag full of money and keeps running. Cold as ice!!

When all the dogs get back the three original dudes (I forgot to say that the trainer quits right after all the dogs get in the bank, he takes a dramatic stand, “You forgot a dog saved my life once, and now I’m going to return the favor” but anyone can blow the whistles so they just keep going without him) are waiting pleased as punch BUT THEN the waitress blows the attack whistle from the top of the hill (they left the bank separately and she was strategically perched) and they MAUL all three of the dudes. She doesn’t call them off until they’re fully incapacitated (but not dead) and she lets the dude she was hooking up with who hit her get mauled the longest, which seems fair.

Then she calls them and they come to her and she’s so happy and proud, but when she tries to take the bags of money they all start growling at her. Then the BULLDOG takes the whistles and runs away and all the Dobermans follow him. Then the credits roll. It is implied that the trainer trained them all to bring him all the money, because after the credits there is a sound clip of him saying, “Good job” to the dogs and them like licking him or something. I like my personal interpretation that he and the bulldog were fucking the whole time, but I don’t think many people are going to get behind that.

The end of this movie was like in The Dark Knight when all the clowns in the heist for the Joker start killing the last person to help, except with dogs mauling people in a barn.

It was really fun and amazing, more than I could have ever hoped. First of all, the whole movie had a very chill vibe to it, all the scenes in the beginning, the bank robbery, the sex, the car-jacking then subsequent dog attack, it’s all incredibly mellow. Lulling even. I was watching this with my friend Laura and we had to turn on a light because everything was so soothing we were falling asleep. For a movie with a fair amount of dog murder, that is a feat.

Some things were hilarious, like in the beginning when the alarm goes off there’s just a big box outside the bank that says, “Bank Robbery Alarm” which I don’t really think is how that works but I also don’t own a bank.

The music!! It’s an original score and one of the songs is something like, “Man’s best friend, enemy number one” and it’s all about the dogs robbing the bank, as you might expect. The guy who scored this also scored Forest Gump and the Back to the Future trilogy which makes sense because it’s an expansive tale and there are some interesting choices involving banjos.

The main guy had a very weird vibe, his hair covered his ears but didn’t go to his shoulders which is a very untrustworthy length. He also wore his shoes all the time?? Even on the bed and probably during sex but I couldn’t see because there was a blanket. Maybe that’s the tradeoff, if you show vulnerability you have to be overly masculine in some other way, like never having bare feet. He also wore a lot of turtlenecks with blazers while the waitress wore some really cute crop tops and midi skirts and it’s like, ok, but what season is it?

There’s one weird scene where they all laugh too hard at dirt? The trainer is explaining how he can get the dogs to come back to the barn without following anyone even though it’s three miles away and he pulls out this Folger coffee can (it’s not a movie from the 70’s if there’s not a beat up old coffee can that’s integral to the plot somehow!) and he’s like, “I’m just gonna drop this dirt from the farm that’s a familiar scent and they’ll follow it” then everyone BURSTS into laughter for like 2 minutes, it felt very odd and excessive. There was also a shot in the beginning of Eddie in the diner before we know he’s fucking the waitress where she’s just pouring his coffee that lasts for like a minute and a half which, in movie time, feels like an eternity.

They say a lot of damaging things about Dobermans which seems irresponsible!!! Now that we see where the culture has headed with this breed, but that’s for another day! I was hoping for a redemption arc with the dogs that never came, they were portrayed as pretty cruel/bloodthirsty throughout but I know if I dated them long enough I could change them.

Overall so fun!!! There are two sequels, and one stars Fred Astaire which I hope means that that one is a musical.

8/11 dog collars, would definitely masturbate again.

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Wild Wild West

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It has recently been brought to my attention that some people don’t think this is a good movie. Number one, they are objectively wrong and number two, how dare they?

Recently I rewatched this movie (at 3:45 in the morning, the best time to do anything) and I loved it, it was so great. If you HAVEN’T seen this movie since 1999, I can do a little refresher. Wild Wild West is a steampunk western starring a black cowboy set directly after the Civil War. Doesn’t that sound amazing?? Well guess what, it is.

Will Smith plays James West (said cowboy) who doesn’t give a FUCK about your racism. Anyone who disrespects him he threatens to kill, and at one point he talks a group of people out of his own lynching. Topical! He also does all of this while wearing black leather pants and a crop top vest, which if I’m not mistaken is also a key look in Willow’s Whip My Hair video, so, families coming together artistically, the circle of life.

James is following/trying to catch and kill this general, Bloodbath McGrath (Ted Levine from Monk and Silence of the Lambs!!) because he murdered his family (along with an entire town of black people) at New Liberty. The President (played by Kevin Kline) is also trying to hunt McGrath down, but only because of his part in a larger plot to overthrow the US government that isn’t revealed until later, but seems to involve the world’s top scientists, and spiders.

On this journey Jim (he goes by both) West picks up two traveling companions, inventor Artemus Gordon (also played by Kevin Kline) and Rita Escobar (Salma Hayek). Artemus has been assigned by the President to assist, and Rita snuck her way onto the train AND into our hearts!!! (More about Rita later/P.S. Longer Rita Later)

The bad guy turns out not to be General Bloodbath McGrath (he is still bad though, he just dies and wasn’t behind the whole thing), but Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branaugh/Gilderoy Lockhart). He is a “villan-inventor” (IMDB’s words not mine) who builds a giant metal spider in a hidden canyon city in the desert that he’s going to use to take over the government and give it back to different countries because he lost the Civil War and his legs.

Kenneth Branaugh does an excellent job, he’s a lascivious dude surrounded by an army of scantily clad women with punny names (Munitia, Ms. Lippenrieder) who create all these weapons that use science and cannons. At one point he has a costume party where he invites everyone to reveal his plan but he is overcome with anger at their indifference to their own ability and privilege and just yells at them about not having legs which was amazing to see.

This is where Kevin Kline finds Salma Hayek in a cage, a human-sized birdcage, that she’s locked in for some reason (this movie despite having no sex scenes has better bondage sex scenes than both 50 Shades of Grey movies). Kevin Kline has been dressing as a buxom woman on these missions to be covert but not tonight! He breaks her out of her cage (great title for an emo song) with a mechanized boot stirrup. The whole movie Kevin Kline’s character keeps employing these little inventions that both work and don’t.

Eventually James and Artemus have a stand off with Arliss (after James dresses as a belly dancer and steals the handcuff keys/Artemus invents a hang glider) where they kill a lot of metalhead dudes (so it’s great when Mad Max does it but not Wild Wild West? Mad Max is stupid and Wild Wild West is great and this is the hill I will die on) then finally destroy the giant spider with fire, and kill Arliss until his wheelchair bleeds orange (maybe one of the producers is a Clemson fan?).

Salma, who has been kind of flirting her way through, reveals that the scientist she was trying to find/save wasn’t her dad but *gasp, twist* her HUSBAND! Which wasn’t that shocking because he’s a hot scientist with a salt & pepper beard, and I’m sure she had a great dad, but it’s treated like it’s a big shock.

One of the weapons from the beginning were these metal collars that once activated, have a magnetized pull to a circular blade that follows the victim until it catches up to them, and decapitates them. Artemus finds one of the scientists killed in this way (“Expert in the field of metallurgy, discovered in a field of alfalfa”) and uses his head as a projector, “the last images before death are burned onto the back of the retina” and that’s how we find the clues to the master plan/party.

Everything is cool. They have a gadget train they ride through the desert, Will Smith has a floating sex picnic with a woman in the town’s water tower (just contaminating an entire city’s water supply but no one cares because he’s so cool) and generally is breaking hearts left and right. This was also during a magical time when if Will Smith was cast in a movie, it meant he wrote a custom rap song for that movie which gave us the wonderful song of the same name that starts, “Jim West, desperado/Rough Rider no you don’t want nada” and samples a Stevie Wonder song, (which means that Stevie Wonder is listed as one of the writers of the Wild Wild West soundtrack) that Sisqo is also on. It’s amazing.¬†“You don’t wanna see my hand where my hip be at/With Artemus, from the start of this” is another line, I won’t go on but you should listen to it, a lotta good stuff in there.

I genuinely don’t understand how anyone couldn’t like this movie. Do they not like fun? Like, it’s not changing the face of modern cinema but it was so FUN and everything holds up and everyone does an amazing job. The art direction is also gorgeous-I feel like I could pull stills from this movie and most of you wouldn’t be able to tell what was this movie and what was a Lorde music video.¬†Everything’s good! There’s also high art stuff too, for example, Kevin Kline plays both Artemus Gordon and the President and there’s a scene where Artemus dresses up as the President then the President comes in and tells him to knock it off?? How do mirrors even work?? High art!!

ALSO: a lil conspiracy theory of my own, at the end of this movie when the President is congratulating West and Gordon he says,¬†“Gentlemen you’ll be happy to know i’m creating a new agency” and it’s the secret service BUT what if it’s ALSO the Men in Black and this movie is a prequel to Men in Black!!!!!! I think it is and until someone finds hard proof that it’s not I’m going to continue to think that.

The original website for the movie is still up and what a treat that is, it’s all pop ups and bad graphics (99 baby!!) and Salma Hayek’s name is misspelled in the link! It also tries to get you to download an audio file when you enter? What a time the 90’s were.

Also apparently Will Smith doesn’t think it’s a good movie? But guess what he does think is good? Donating money to the Church of Scientology. So clearly we can’t trust his judgement anymore. It’s on Netflix, don’t take the word of me or a black millionaire, judge for yourself!!!

4/5 metal death collars, will definitely masturbate again and you should too!!!

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Death Note

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Lemme save you some time. Don’t watch this, it’s so bad. Bad on almost a new level that I hadn’t anticipated or felt anything near to in a WHILE.

This is an adaptation based on a manga (I think that’s the right use? It’s a Japanese serialized novel) that my brother gave me for Christmas one year because I asked him which ones he thought I would like and he gave me like the first 10 issues of Death Note and Monster and wow was he right those are really good ones I enjoyed them both a lot.

So when I saw Netflix was making it I was kind of excited, just to revisit the story, and see what they did. Two huge things right from the start: the main dude was cast as a white. Why????? How by this point, do you see the backlash from Ghost in the Shell/Tilda Swinton/Emma Stone and not think to yourself, “Perhaps this Japanese cartoon should star someone from the culture it originated from?” It seems just willfully ignorant at this point. There’s no way the higher ups at Netflix, who I’m sure have a graph for every projected profit margin/viewer demographic that exists, know this stuff, they just don’t care. Anyway. The white boy that they cast didn’t do a good job either. He overacted (and underacted!! How do you do both??) like a motherfucker and he had these weird stringy blond highlights and no conveyed emotional or internal motivation in a single scene and it’s not surprising at all to see on his imdb page that his other big projects are “The Fault in Our Stars” and “Paper Towns.”

The second huge problem (did you forget there were two?) was that they made it a MOVIE! I clicked on it thinking I was starting a series, meanwhile an hour in, it’s still going and it just hadn’t even OCCURRED to me that it would be a movie. The whole thing is 108 chapters in 12 volumes and it’s been made into a TV show before in Japan into 37 twenty minute episodes, which makes fucking sense because it’s long and complicated. To try to fit the entire story into 1 hour and 41 minutes is insane, the Sex and the City movie is 2 hours and 31 minutes for heavens sake.

The major plot device of this story is this notebook (Death Note) that when you write someone’s name in it, they die. There’s a bunch of other rules: you have to be thinking of their face, it has to be their full/real name, etc. There’s a death guide (a shinigami) that comes with the book that only the owner can see, (Ryuk, voiced by Willem Dafoe) who is kind of a sinister prankster and doesn’t have the owner’s best interests in mind & whose face and head seem to be made of porcupine spikes. We meet him when he creates a windstorm in a science lab full of craft supplies (what branch of science uses colored feathers?) and he mostly just sits in the dark while his eyes glow.

Where do I start? The kid who gets the notebook, Light Turner (whose name should be Light Yagami) tests it out on a kid at his school who is bullying someone and decapitates him (you can specify how someone dies) and then from there he tells this edgy cheerleader

(they establish she’s edgy by having 3 shots back to back: all the girls cheering and her just standing with her arms crossed, ¬†her being vaulted to the top of the pyramid and crossing her arms again and rolling her eyes, and lastly a group of girls celebrating and her smoking a cigarette in the middle of it then walking out. It’s like a visual crossword puzzle where every clue is ‘teen angst’)

who turns out to be a sociopath about the book and it makes them fall in love? There’s this weird montage of them having implied sex and a bunch of people from the news dying that’s super weird and looks like if David Lynch did a commercial for bralettes.

The girl was annoying to me 1. because I don’t remember her from the books/I don’t think her character existed and 2. her character was just, “high school is boring, I want to kill people” which feels like not enough and too much all at the same time and 3. It felt like they just shoehorned a romance in there to make people more engaged, but if you had conveyed the story right they would already be engaged? It’s like taking something cool then stripping it of what makes it cool to just try to make it like everything else that’s bad.

There is a famous detective “L” on the case played by Lakeith Stanfield (who does great and no I don’t mind blind casting when it’s an actor of color) who does a great job with what he’s given. In the books the relationship between Light and L is much more of a cat and mouse game, it continues through Light going to college, but in this movie they have like 2 conversations before the movie devolves into a chase scene and everything is bad and I hated it.

Light’s dad is a member of the police and L has him give a speech taunting Kira (the media’s name for this anonymous killer- in the books it’s because of the way “Killer” is written/pronounced in Japanese, in this it’s anyone’s fucking guess. There was some half-hearted attempt to explain why a white dude made all the people he killed write something in perfect Japanese, a language he does not speak, before their deaths but did it suffice? Does it ever? In this version Light basically tells Mia that Kira means ‘light’ in Keltic and Russian right before reminding her that Irish people were slaves too) to see if Kira would spare him which he does, cementing L’s idea that the killer is the police officer’s son.

The movie rushheeeeddd through so much. The police trying to figure out/learning clues was such a fun part of this I remember and in this there’s MAYBE 20 minutes before L basically knows who Kira is. Something I just read reminded me that in the beginning Light would write in the Death Note right as he got out of school, which led police to wonder why a ‘local spree of murders was only being carried out at a specific time of day’ which in the books is why they brought L in at all.

There really is no plot- Light tries to get Watari (L’s assistant/friend) to give him L’s real name (he’s a government orphan trained to be a detective) so he can kill him. He fails, Watari dies, Light’s girlfriend sabotages the plan and writes Light’s name in the book so she can get it but then also be reunited after she brings him back from the dead with fire. They’re at a high school dance then falling off a collapsing Ferris Wheel, in a coma, out of a coma, everyone dies.

It’s just too much. I was honestly happy when everyone died at the end. Lakeith did a good job and he is the only one, everyone else should feel bad. The girl (Margaret Qualley) was ok and the dad were ok. And Watari played by Paul Nakauchi (the only Asian actor in the entire movie) was good even though he died pretty early.

Watching Lakeith act in this was like when you get those off-brand bags of candy for Halloween from CVS that have all gross ones and then a few Snickers. He is the Snickers. You appreciate what he’s doing but it’s not enough. The rest of this movie is those weird wax chewy things that come in unmarked orange and black wrappers. Or a green caramel apple lollipop. Or Necco Wafers. Whatever bad candy is to you really. This is a good analogy because L is always eating candy. In the books he “dies peacefully while eating a chocolate bar.” God bless. Anything to escape this right?

I don’t really have much else to say, it was SO bad. Except also the music seemed to have a rule that it could only be from the 80’s? They played 80’s slow songs at all the important moments regardless of what was going on: a police interruption of a school dance, two teens falling off a defunct Ferris Wheel, an alley fight, waking up from a coma, etc. All 80’s songs. And while I respect that discipline, the execution was horrible and misguided. And it rained for the whole middle third of the movie? Does bad acting look better in the rain?

If you want a better review you should read this one, I don’t have it in me to dissect anything because there was literally no merit in this film at all. I think it’d be more entertaining to read the Wikipedia page for the series, than watch this movie, it was very bad.

HALF an eaten apple (Ryuk likes those and they kind of showed it but not really) out of five possible full apples, will NOT masturbate again, even if I was in a cum desert.

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Insecure

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So, I was living under a stupid rock and hadn’t seen ANY of this show until a few weeks ago. I watched some of Awkward Black Girl when it was on YouTube but it’s so different now!!!!

The first time I watched an episode was the last night I was in New Orleans with my friends Geoff and Mary-Devon who were kind enough to let me stay at their house. We got back from a mic and wanted to watch something and they’re all caught up so we watched the Cookout episode (Hella Open-Season 2 Episode 3) and I could tell it was good and I liked it but I didn’t get the full scope of everyone’s actions. I kinda didn’t like Lawrence bc he did seem like a fuckboi, and I kinda didn’t get other stuff- like why Issa’s wall was burnt & stuff. But I really enjoyed the episode.

Fast forward to 2 weeks later, I am staying with a different friend in a different city who is ALSO kind enough to have me, and they have a big tv in the room I am staying in with HBO Go. She and I start at the beginning and I watched everything in two days, but actually watched the latest episode with people last night then caught up today. So I was all out of order but WOW.

Number one I think this is the best show on TV right now and has been for a while- I can’t really think of something that comes out every week like this that has been this good. (I have never seen Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead which I know are very popular but they just don’t appeal to me!!! I’m sure I’ll watch them in 10 years and love them).

But, back to this wonderful cast. So, everything about this show is good, it’s well-written, well-acted, well-scored, etc. etc. I love how full each character is and how everyone interacts. I’m genuinely so mad at Issa for cheating on Lawrence and I get that she was feeling not good in their relationship but I think cheating on someone is so fucked up and hurts them immeasurably forever.

Also, as my friend Ariel pointed out, they DON’T TALK about anything in their relationship, what they’re feeling, doubts, frustrations, etc. After they fuck up they will but not before when it’s just thoughts and that’s so unhealthy and unsustainable.

I really hate Tasha because she was flirting with Lawrence when she knew he had a girlfriend and I think you need to respect other people’s relationships but I think she was right in what she said to him on the phone. I don’t think that’s true about Lawrence overall, but in that situation, that’s definitely what was happening. Both he and Issa keep assuming that other people are cool with them fucking and not getting attached (Tahsa, Daniel) then they do and it’s bad. When Daniel comes to PICK HER UP because she got in a car accident (after sexting someone else) and she has to like debrief that she fucks other people cause he hugged her too long?? I hated thatttt. I think they’re both being selfish (Issa and Lawrence) in how they’re handling their breakup because they’re trying to hook up with people (which is fine) but they’re also trying to keep the feeling of emotional intimacy they both lost when they lost each other but that’s not fair to ask of someone else if you’re not going to reciprocate, which of course, neither of them is being a few months out of a five year relationship.

It’s so MESSY. I liked when Derek told Lawrence it wasn’t all on Issa, I can’t believe that hadn’t come up/occurred to him before.

I’m glad Molly slept with Dro, I think realizing that there is no perfect relationship will ultimately be good for her but I know it was a huge blow. I’m routing for Molly but was VERY annoyed by the way she treated Jered. LIKE first of all, working at Enterprise is a good job and could have so many perks!!! Hotels and car hookups hello?? But also, what are you measuring your partner by? I know that status and job matters to people and I’m sure there’s a lot that’s different when a black woman is dating that she is considering that I am not, but Jered is so sweet and kind and they had fun together! I know the fact that he hooked up with a guy bothered her, but I wish she had brought THAT up in therapy (again, I know even going was a lot for her so that will take time) but damn, his smile is worth a good job!!! I love him.

Friends: I love Kelli, she is hilarious, she DOES always make everything a joke, but their friend group seems to need that. I LOVE that she got fingered under the table at the diner (named Swingers lol), I love that her weight is not the most important thing about her character/mentioned at all. She just goes out, looks good, has fun like everybody else and bless everyone for that.

Tiffany is annoying and a little stuck up to me, I can’t wait until we meet her character more/learn more about her. I think they hinted at stuff to come with dropping that Derek cheated on her, I think/hope we will learn more about that. What’s so interesting is that we’re getting one action (cheating) now set up to be seen through the lens of three different relationships (Issa and Lawrence, Molly’s parents, and Derek and Tiffany). All the characters have different allegiances to the different people in those relationships so it forces them to see a situation from more than one side, I think it’s brilliant.

I like Chad, I think he’s a good friend and I hope we learn more about him too. I like that they give him dimensions as well, it’s so refreshing to see black characters who seem like actual people, not just a white person’s idea of a culture/stereotypical & flat. Like, he encourages Lawrence to fuck a lot of women but also knows about recessed lighting. That’s a real person.

Ugh, I do want Lawrence and Issa to get back together but not if they don’t change the way they interact. She has to be able to TELL him she’s feeling attracted to her ex or that his lack of ambition/motivation in his own life drags her down a little bit when they are so intertwined. He also needs to be able to forgive her for cheating which is A LOT-how do you regain that trust?? Maybe they will talk to Molly’s parents about it.

Also how sex is portrayed on the show a lot of people have brought up on Twitter how there’s no condom use shown and Issa tweeted about it saying that it’s mostly implied (with pics of Lawrence reaching down under the blankets and close up of a condom wrapper on the nightstand) but that they’ll be better/more overt about it in the future so that’s cool. I was in a group where we were talking about the sex scene between Issa and Lawrence when he came to pick up his mail and BEFORE I saw it I was saying that women can get wet really quickly and it’s definitely possible, but after seeing it, the way it came out of NOWHERE and then was just happening, I kind of agree that there’s no way she could have been wet?? Maybe if she just got wet from seeing him after not for so long? But it was so emotionally tense, I can’t imagine that her body was like, “Yes, passion, we’re ready.”

Something that completely also threw me is why did they get rid of the couch because they spilled something on it?? It’s a couch??? I guess the implication is that she spills stuff all the time and it was just too far gone, but if you just bought that couch like 5 years ago wouldn’t you just recover it or something? Especially if only one of you has a job? Idk, if gas is 9 dollars a gallon (yes I SAW that) then I can’t imagine what they’re charging for couches out there?? But perhaps it was worth it to hear their neighbor say “bouch.”

There’s so many funny lines in this show, this show is so funny. I love Issa and Molly’s relationship-ooh and I LOVED how their fight was handled. So real how they both had pent up aggression and resentment to the other one for how they handled their own lives that all just came spilling out. I also liked the way it was resolved in the car ride however I will say, the way Issa called Molly the day after to ‘thank her for her donation’ and see if she was still mad was truly insane to me and painted her as an emotionally selfish/out of touch person and made me rethink her situation with Lawrence a little. Like, even if she was just pretending to try to get out of having an awkward conversation, to call someone who you had an all out fight with the night before where each of you insulted who the other one is as a person, and jokingly ask if they’re still mad at you is deranged.

I like Daniel !!! I wish that Issa did but for whatever reason she does not!! Like, I know he didn’t put in what you wanted him to in COLLEGE but he is a grown ass man now and he is and I don’t want him to just get thrown away again because I like him and think he is a good dude! Am I apologizing/siding too much with the men?? I’ll think about it.

Lawrence’s threesome was so interesting because it seemed like this thing that of course he was supposed to enjoy but the way it happened felt really gross and those girls seemed gross and they used him the way he was using Tasha and I think he wants women to be emotionally invested in him!! But also they seemed to sexualize black men in this way that was dehumanizing and that’s a lot to unpack when you’re inside of someone.

The way people Issa work with are portrayed is perfect, it reminded me of Kate Walsh in Girls Trip a little, so fucking tone deaf. It’s also both cathartic and frustrating to see her fantasy act outs of saying what she really wants to say to them, but can’t. I love Frieda as a character and the stuff she and Issa are going through at work. The dynamics of race and situational vs. systematic oppression and everyone’s part in that and who can call out who and all of it is good to see dissected.

And finally, Issa’s style is SO INTERESTING AND COOL the things she wears are truly inspirational to me–like how are you wearing a jean shirt as a dress to work? Or a t-shirt to an art gallery but you look fancy? And I love that she and Molly always switch their hair up, and show everyone constantly commenting on it and how annoying that is, like yes, black women can do cool shit with their hair. Let them be.

Basically this show is great and it’s made me have some really interesting conversations and I haven’t even read ANYTHING online yet so that’s gonna be great and yes.

5 out of 5 Broken Pussy’s, will masturbate again forever.

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Queen of the Damned

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Today felt like a good day to watch The Queen of the Damned for the first time. I’m moving to New York in four days, our President won’t take a hard stance against Nazis, rule of threes; so it feels right to watch Aaliyah’s first and last movie (do we count Romeo Must Die?) today.

The premise of this movie seems to be, “What if a member of the immortal undead started a Nu Metal band?” and it mostly is. Our protagonist, Lestat (Stuart Townsend???? This is a far cry from Robot Chicken, ok) was changed into a vampire but he really longs to be “known” so he finds a goth No Doubt and becomes their front man. They become famous and he is very open about how he is a vampire, which is a big no no in the vampire community (can you imagine the message boards?). Many of them decide to come to his big concert at Death Valley to dismember him, as you do.

While onstage at the concert fighting the vampires off (he beheads one of them in front of thousands of people in jenko’s, no one cares) Lestat is reminded of the very powerful friend he made, Queen Akasha (Aaliyah) who is like, the hot grandma of all the vampires, when she comes and murders all of them. She can kill other vampires with fire (also in the vampire club she pulls someone’s heart out and eats it!!) and once she does that to all of them, then she portals herself and Lestat into the sky.

I forgot to mention the white woman all of this is centered around, (lol isn’t there always?) Jesse, (Marguerite Moreau) who is in some sort of history vampire justice league to study them but she wants to be one? The other history guys don’t like that part and they try to forbid her, but she is really set on maybe dying. So she goes by herself to this vampire club, which for some reason she needs Sailor Moon buns to do (her outfits in this movie are VERY interesting), then of course she almost gets eaten because she is a human in a vampire bar, but Lestat saves her because she read his journals. Normally people don’t like but I guess when you’re immortal you don’t really care about invasions of privacy, and remember, he just wants to be “known!” Later Jesse gets chosen as one of the groupies to be eaten after one of his shows but when he sees it’s her they just have sexual tension on a balcony instead. She tries to convince Lestat to turn her into a vampire by cutting herself on the boob with a paperclip (girl) but he wants to show her the magnitude of her decision so he murders someone in the park in front of her to feed and is like, “Do you want it now??” and she’s like, “No jk” and leaves. That outfit by the way, was a plaid bondage dress with a choker and some platform boots and eye makeup that says, “I’m ready to be undead!” A lot of this fashion has come back around and is stylish again. For most of the movie Jesse just looked like she was headed to a Grimes show.

Something I forgot to mention: the man/vampire that turned Lestat was this guy Marius, who had a secret fire basement that Lestat found one night when he was playing violin too intensely. Once down there, (“there” looked a lot like the Chamber of Secrets in Harry Potter btw) he summoned Aaliyah from the dead by playing the violin and then drank her blood through the stone that she was. Did I mention she was stone? Yes, she was a marble statue that slowly came to life and had veins and was awoken by some fast violin. You guys know how stone is!!!!

So she’s alive again and she hates people!!! (Girl I get it!!!) After she and Lestat leave his concert by upwards tornado funnel they go to this mansion and have weird blood sex in a tub filled with rose petals (aww!) and then when he wakes up, the pool and surrounding beach are filled with corpses (aww ūüė¶ ). Her blood makes him able to walk in the light (but honestly I didn’t even notice that there was no sunlight in the movie prior to that scene which makes me think I’ve been doing too much stand up) and stronger.

Meanwhile Jesse has reconnected with her long lost Aunt who she assumed died, but guess what! She’s a vampire! They’re having a reunion/meeting with some other vampires when Aaliyah and Lestat crash it. Aaliyah is like, let’s kill all the humans and the others vampires are like Nah, so she decides to kill them first. Lestat tricks her by making out with her arm too long and weakens her and everyone else attacks and kills her. (Aaliyah is in this movie for 30 minutes I swear to God. She doesn’t come into it until 52 minutes, then dies around 1:32).

Before any of that though, Aaliyah made Lestat prove his love to her by killing Jesse. He did, but then after Queen Akasha dies he makes Jesse drink his blood and turn into a vampire. A little dark eye makeup later, she is immortal!! There is a cool time lapse shot of Jesse and Lestat walking towards Big Ben to let us know they stay together for all of eternity, and that this movie was supposed to be in London this whole time, even though no one had accents.

Some things: I have never seen a fat vampire. Fat vampires deserve representation!! Where are they?? Also, they had a classic in-movie MTV news update and I miss when that was a thing. Is MTV news still a thing? The only other movies I can remember using this as a way to show news are Josie and the Pussycats and Zoolander. So, that’s a pretty good record. This movie also made me look up a listicle of black vampires which was a good list. I think Blade is still my favorite (but I’ve never seen Blacula or True Blood or the Eddie Murphy one or the Grace Jones one, or any of the others really).

It’s insane how tiny Aaliyah is in this movie, also her costumes were unreal and it made me want to see Queen of the Damned cosplay or a burlesque act of someone as Queen Akasha (I really have been doing too much stand up). Most of the time she just had metal swirls covering her boobs and a long skirt and a headdress with more jewels than you would think would be there. She also does this thing where her eyebrows extend into her hairline? It sounds bad but it looks good, it’s like the most extreme cat eye.

I’ve talked about some specifically but the costumes in general in this movie were PHENOMENAL. Lestat especially has a cool vibe, he starts out as someone who would own a horse in the 1700’s and then goes to power goth, then a glam undertaker situation. The huge concert he does he is wearing this gauzy mesh shirt with ARM TIES which maybe I can’t describe and you should just look up but he looks like a sexy bread bag.

Ooh also lastly-Interview with the Vampire and Queen of the Damned are both Anne Rice novels- Queen of the Damned is the third one, but it’s the same main dude- I guess they just didn’t have Tom Cruise money for this one though.

I was surprised, the way people talk about this movie (or don’t talk about it am I right??) I was expecting it to be terrible but it wasn’t at all, I really liked it!! I am particularly partial to this type of movie, I don’t really know how to describe it but I know it when I see it. Blade is one, the club scenes in the Matrix are another, XXX might be? Maybe I just like fight scenes in night clubs and a blue/green filter on film. Who knows! But I did like it, I don’t think it’s bad. You want a bad movie, I tried to watch the BFG on Netflix before this and couldn’t finish it, that one was bad. This was fun. Maybe Aaliyah’s death put this pressure on it, because it wasn’t this amazing piece of art people felt like it wasn’t worth her death and it made the movie seem worse at the time? Couldn’t tell ya. Like I said–in 2017, I liked it.

3 out of 5 undead sailor moon buns, will definitely masturbate again!

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