The Doberman Gang

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WOWWWWWW ok so this is a movie from 1972 about a group of criminals who decide to train a bunch of dogs to rob a bank. But honestly it is so much more than that.

So, the first scene of the movie is three guys who successfully rob a bank, (Eddie, Sammy and Jojo) but put the money into the wrong car as they leave (the trunk was open! Classic mistake) and get away with nothing. Then we see a really interesting scene about masculinity that would never happen today where the three of them are just all really disappointed in themselves in a hotel room and no one’s mad at anyone. They all just take the blame themselves and feel like they let their friends down. So cute!

The mastermind, Eddie, laments for a while that he can’t rob a bank with robots, (he keeps saying how much humans make mistakes and I thought that would be a cool place to take a very different turn and have this be an AI crime movie) but he eventually just lands on dogs. After this thought he realizes the day’s disappointments are too much for him so he goes to where men with shaggy bowl cuts feel emotionally heard, a diner. It’s not a true diner experience unless you have sex with a waitress in what looks like a Joni Mitchell music video, so he does that too. After successfully having sex with a woman and drinking coffee, he goes on a walk at night to clear his head and just, figure this whole dang thing out.

During his walk at night (where I’m sure he wasn’t worried about being raped at all), he sees some youths jump a fence to a car lot. But before they can steal any thing, a group of Doberman Pinchers round them up and hold them until the owner calls the police. Eddie gives the dogs a smug but knowing grin, then goes back to his room.

The next day, without the internet, he tries to learn about dog training which is a journey in itself! Remember what the world used to be like? First he figures out what type of dogs he saw, because apparently that wasn’t common knowledge 40 years ago. Then he poses as a journalist (the next logical step) you know, for breaking all those hard hitting dog stories, and interviews this guy who works with the military training dogs,  Barney. Barney tells an amazing story about his buddy who lost his life saving him jumping on a landmine to protect him in Vietnam and he’s like, “You wanna see a picture?” and of course, you guessed it, his friend is a dog.

Eddie convinces Barney to quit the military and come train dogs with him, for little to no reason. Eddie then buys an entire barn somehow even though their last bank robbery was a failure, and the other two men steal six Doberman Pinschers and one bulldog (a baker’s dozen!) in a VW bus (it’s the 70’s) and get to trainin’.

The training of the dogs is the first full hour of the movie, which I respect a lot. You can’t just tell people six dogs are going to rob a bank and expect them to believe you, you have to show us. And wow, do they. There are only three dog training montages in this movie and the rest is in real-time. It’s a lot of dog training. The idea mostly revolves around specialized whistles, and tones. It’s very high tech, Barney brought this info from the military and it’s probably top secret.

Each dog has a different color collar and they are all named after bank robbers (Bonnie, Dillinger, Pretty Boy, etc). The trainer still somehow has no idea what is going on, he thinks they’re training them to be guard dogs (Why would a guard dog need to carry a scrolled up note and learn how to jump on a counter with it?) and then after he gets a crush on the waitress he decides to poke his nose around and find out what’s really going on. He goes into the barn, which has been turned into a full scale replica of the bank from some photos that Eddie took from a secret camera he hid in a cast.

The trainer is like, “I don’t want to do this” and Eddie’s like, “ok then we’ll just kill the dogs” which was smart because he needed Barney to finish/couldn’t do it without him /needed a reason for him to stay involved. Barney agrees on the condition that he gets half the money since he’s doing all the work, and one of the other guys threatens to kill him so then he agrees to split it four ways.

Meanwhile the waitress has asked for some money cause she’s doing a lot of work too and quit her job to be there every day and Eddie’s just like, “this is business but I’ll take care of you sugar tits” he doesn’t say that last part but he might as well have. They’re robbing the bank for like 600,000 dollars and he says he’ll give her ten thousand, which you don’t have to be good at math to know is not fractionally that great. She’s pissed so she starts kissing Barney in the woods. It’s not very sensual at all.

When Eddie finds out he calls HER a dog, to the trainer he says, “teach your dog some better manners,” RUDE so she throws soup on him (gotta always have some soup handy in case a man’s going to be misogynistic to you) then Eddie HITS HER and pushes her to the ground. Because this was the 70’s and women basically weren’t people yet, none of the men care, and this movie presents it as a light-hearted little tiff that they have that never gets mentioned again/handled.

Each dog gets spikes on their collar because at some point Eddie asks if anyone could stop them and Barney’s like, “I guess someone could grab them by the throat?” and he’s like, “Oh ok, so spikes then.” I like to think that’s how Spike TV began, just a bunch of dudes not wanting to get stopped by anyone.

They do a run through but someone draws the curtains at the bank so then they go back as a Drapery Business and take all the curtains down to be cleaned or something.

The dogs can’t get in the bank because it’s a pull handle, so they have to wait for people to enter and exit. No one really seems to notice or care as six Doberman Pinschers enter the bank with spiked collars and canvas saddlebags and lie down at strategic areas all throughout the bank. No one except the only black person in the entire movie, a janitor who keeps trying to alert people who ignore him. Is there a lesson and metaphor to be learned & extrapolated from this? You betcha!

The criminals see the janitor trying to tell the guard from their window perch a building away and blow the whistles that mean attack and one of the dogs mauls the security guard. Then when they have everyone’s attention the dog with the note in his mouth (the sensitive one) approaches the teller and she reads it out loud. The note says to fill the bags with money. The tellers first try to put stacks of paper in, “Will they be able to tell?” “I don’t think so, they’re dogs,” the dogs start growling because the dudes saw it from across the street and blow the whistle that means “that’s not real money..”

So, the dogs get all the money, no one gets mauled who hasn’t been mauled already and they head back to the barn. When the two guys who took the drapes down drove back to the barn, they drove slowly and spread dirt from the farm on the way back home like little breadcrumbs of scent for the dogs to follow. They do follow, but one of the dogs gets hit by a car on the way back and dies in the street. One of his friend dogs comes up like he’s going to try to help him in some way which I was very emotionally ready for, but he just takes his saddlebag full of money and keeps running. Cold as ice!!

When all the dogs get back the three original dudes (I forgot to say that the trainer quits right after all the dogs get in the bank, he takes a dramatic stand, “You forgot a dog saved my life once, and now I’m going to return the favor” but anyone can blow the whistles so they just keep going without him) are waiting pleased as punch BUT THEN the waitress blows the attack whistle from the top of the hill (they left the bank separately and she was strategically perched) and they MAUL all three of the dudes. She doesn’t call them off until they’re fully incapacitated (but not dead) and she lets the dude she was hooking up with who hit her get mauled the longest, which seems fair.

Then she calls them and they come to her and she’s so happy and proud, but when she tries to take the bags of money they all start growling at her. Then the BULLDOG takes the whistles and runs away and all the Dobermans follow him. Then the credits roll. It is implied that the trainer trained them all to bring him all the money, because after the credits there is a sound clip of him saying, “Good job” to the dogs and them like licking him or something. I like my personal interpretation that he and the bulldog were fucking the whole time, but I don’t think many people are going to get behind that.

The end of this movie was like in The Dark Knight when all the clowns in the heist for the Joker start killing the last person to help, except with dogs mauling people in a barn.

It was really fun and amazing, more than I could have ever hoped. First of all, the whole movie had a very chill vibe to it, all the scenes in the beginning, the bank robbery, the sex, the car-jacking then subsequent dog attack, it’s all incredibly mellow. Lulling even. I was watching this with my friend Laura and we had to turn on a light because everything was so soothing we were falling asleep. For a movie with a fair amount of dog murder, that is a feat.

Some things were hilarious, like in the beginning when the alarm goes off there’s just a big box outside the bank that says, “Bank Robbery Alarm” which I don’t really think is how that works but I also don’t own a bank.

The music!! It’s an original score and one of the songs is something like, “Man’s best friend, enemy number one” and it’s all about the dogs robbing the bank, as you might expect. The guy who scored this also scored Forest Gump and the Back to the Future trilogy which makes sense because it’s an expansive tale and there are some interesting choices involving banjos.

The main guy had a very weird vibe, his hair covered his ears but didn’t go to his shoulders which is a very untrustworthy length. He also wore his shoes all the time?? Even on the bed and probably during sex but I couldn’t see because there was a blanket. Maybe that’s the tradeoff, if you show vulnerability you have to be overly masculine in some other way, like never having bare feet. He also wore a lot of turtlenecks with blazers while the waitress wore some really cute crop tops and midi skirts and it’s like, ok, but what season is it?

There’s one weird scene where they all laugh too hard at dirt? The trainer is explaining how he can get the dogs to come back to the barn without following anyone even though it’s three miles away and he pulls out this Folger coffee can (it’s not a movie from the 70’s if there’s not a beat up old coffee can that’s integral to the plot somehow!) and he’s like, “I’m just gonna drop this dirt from the farm that’s a familiar scent and they’ll follow it” then everyone BURSTS into laughter for like 2 minutes, it felt very odd and excessive. There was also a shot in the beginning of Eddie in the diner before we know he’s fucking the waitress where she’s just pouring his coffee that lasts for like a minute and a half which, in movie time, feels like an eternity.

They say a lot of damaging things about Dobermans which seems irresponsible!!! Now that we see where the culture has headed with this breed, but that’s for another day! I was hoping for a redemption arc with the dogs that never came, they were portrayed as pretty cruel/bloodthirsty throughout but I know if I dated them long enough I could change them.

Overall so fun!!! There are two sequels, and one stars Fred Astaire which I hope means that that one is a musical.

8/11 dog collars, would definitely masturbate again.

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Wild Wild West

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It has recently been brought to my attention that some people don’t think this is a good movie. Number one, they are objectively wrong and number two, how dare they?

Recently I rewatched this movie (at 3:45 in the morning, the best time to do anything) and I loved it, it was so great. If you HAVEN’T seen this movie since 1999, I can do a little refresher. Wild Wild West is a steampunk western starring a black cowboy set directly after the Civil War. Doesn’t that sound amazing?? Well guess what, it is.

Will Smith plays James West (said cowboy) who doesn’t give a FUCK about your racism. Anyone who disrespects him he threatens to kill, and at one point he talks a group of people out of his own lynching. Topical! He also does all of this while wearing black leather pants and a crop top vest, which if I’m not mistaken is also a key look in Willow’s Whip My Hair video, so, families coming together artistically, the circle of life.

James is following/trying to catch and kill this general, Bloodbath McGrath (Ted Levine from Monk and Silence of the Lambs!!) because he murdered his family (along with an entire town of black people) at New Liberty. The President (played by Kevin Kline) is also trying to hunt McGrath down, but only because of his part in a larger plot to overthrow the US government that isn’t revealed until later, but seems to involve the world’s top scientists, and spiders.

On this journey Jim (he goes by both) West picks up two traveling companions, inventor Artemus Gordon (also played by Kevin Kline) and Rita Escobar (Salma Hayek). Artemus has been assigned by the President to assist, and Rita snuck her way onto the train AND in our hearts!!! (More about Rita later/P.S. Longer Rita Later)

The bad guy turns out not to be General Bloodbath McGrath (he is still bad though, he just dies and wasn’t behind the whole thing), but Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branaugh-Gilderoy Lockhart). He is a “villan-inventor” (IMDB’s words not mine) who builds a giant metal spider in a hidden canyon city in the desert that he’s going to use to take over the government and give it back to different countries because he lost the Civil War and his legs.

Kenneth Branaugh does an excellent job, he’s a lascivious dude surrounded by an army of scantily clad women with punny names (Munitia, Ms. Lippenrieder) who create all these weapons that use science and cannons. At one point he has a costume party where he invites everyone to reveal his plan but he is overcome with anger at their indifference to their own ability and privilege and just yells at them about not having legs which was amazing to see.

This is where Kevin Kline finds Salma Hayek in a cage, a human-sized birdcage, that she’s locked in for some reason (this movie despite having no sex scenes has better bondage sex scenes than both 50 Shades of Grey movies). Kevin Kline has been dressing as a buxom woman on these missions to be covert but not tonight! He breaks her out of her cage (great title for an emo song) with a mechanized boot stirrup. The whole movie Kevin Kline’s character keeps employing these little inventions that both work and don’t.

Eventually James and Artemus have a stand off with Arliss (after James dresses as a belly dancer and steals the handcuff keys/Artemus invents a hang glider) where they kill a lot of metalhead dudes (so it’s great when Mad Max does it but not Wild Wild West? Mad Max is stupid and Wild Wild West is great and this is the hill I will die on) then finally destroy the giant spider with fire, and kill Arliss until his wheelchair bleeds orange (maybe one of the producers is a Clemson fan?).

Salma, who has been kind of flirting her way through, reveals that the scientist she was trying to find/save wasn’t her dad but *gasp, twist* her HUSBAND! Which wasn’t that shocking because he’s a hot scientist with a salt & pepper beard, and I’m sure she had a great dad, but it’s treated like it’s a big shock.

One of the weapons from the beginning were these metal collars that once activated, have a magnetized pull to a circular blade that follows the victim until it catches up to them, and decapitates them. Artemus finds one of the scientists killed in this way (“Expert in the field of metallurgy, discovered in a field of alfalfa”) and uses his head as a projector, “the last images before death are burned onto the back of the retina” and that’s how we find the clues to the master plan/party.

Everything is cool. They have a gadget train they ride through the desert, Will Smith has a floating sex picnic with a woman in the town’s water tower (just contaminating an entire city’s water supply but no one cares because he’s so cool) and generally is breaking hearts left and right. This was also during a magical time when if Will Smith was cast in a movie, it meant he wrote a custom rap song for that movie which gave us the wonderful song of the same name that starts, “Jim West, desperado/Rough Rider no you don’t want nada” and samples a Stevie Wonder song, (which means that Stevie Wonder is listed as one of the writers of the Wild Wild West soundtrack) that Sisqo is also on. It’s amazing. “You don’t wanna see my hand where my hip be at/With Artemus, from the start of this” is another line, I won’t go on but you should listen to it, a lotta good stuff in there.

I genuinely don’t understand how anyone couldn’t like this movie. Do they not like fun? Like, it’s not changing the face of modern cinema but it was so FUN and everything holds up and everyone does an amazing job. The art direction is also gorgeous-I feel like I could pull stills from this movie and most of you wouldn’t be able to tell what was this movie and what was a Lorde music video. Everything’s good! There’s also high art stuff too, for example, Kevin Kline plays both Artemus Gordon and the President and there’s a scene where Artemus dresses up as the President then the President comes in and tells him to knock it off?? How do mirrors even work?? High art!!

ALSO: a lil conspiracy theory of my own, at the end of this movie when the President is congratulating West and Gordon he says, “Gentlemen you’ll be happy to know i’m creating a new agency” and it’s the secret service BUT what if it’s ALSO the Men in Black and this movie is a prequel to Men in Black!!!!!! I think it is and until someone finds hard proof that it’s not I’m going to continue to think that.

The original website for the movie is still up and what a treat that is, it’s all pop ups and bad graphics (99 baby!!) and Salma Hayek’s name is misspelled in the link! It also tries to get you to download an audio file when you enter? What a time the 90’s were.

Also apparently Will Smith doesn’t think it’s a good movie? But guess what he does think is good? Donating money to the Church of Scientology. So clearly we can’t trust his judgement anymore. It’s on Netflix, don’t take the word of me or a black millionaire, judge for yourself!!!

4/5 metal death collars, will definitely masturbate again and you should too!!!

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Death Note

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Lemme save you some time. Don’t watch this, it’s so bad. Bad on almost a new level that I hadn’t anticipated or felt anything near to in a WHILE.

This is an adaptation based on a manga (I think that’s the right use? It’s a Japanese serialized novel) that my brother gave me for Christmas one year because I asked him which ones he thought I would like and he gave me like the first 10 issues of Death Note and Monster and wow was he right those are really good ones I enjoyed them both a lot.

So when I saw Netflix was making it I was kind of excited, just to revisit the story, and see what they did. Two huge things right from the start: the main dude was cast as a white. Why????? How by this point, do you see the backlash from Ghost in the Shell/Tilda Swinton/Emma Stone and not think to yourself, “Perhaps this Japanese cartoon should star someone from the culture it originated from?” It seems just willfully ignorant at this point. There’s no way the higher ups at Netflix, who I’m sure have a graph for every projected profit margin/viewer demographic that exists, know this stuff, they just don’t care. Anyway. The white boy that they cast didn’t do a good job either. He overacted (and underacted!! How do you do both??) like a motherfucker and he had these weird stringy blond highlights and no conveyed emotional or internal motivation in a single scene and it’s not surprising at all to see on his imdb page that his other big projects are “The Fault in Our Stars” and “Paper Towns.”

The second huge problem (did you forget there were two?) was that they made it a MOVIE! I clicked on it thinking I was starting a series, meanwhile an hour in, it’s still going and it just hadn’t even OCCURRED to me that it would be a movie. The whole thing is 108 chapters in 12 volumes and it’s been made into a TV show before in Japan into 37 twenty minute episodes, which makes fucking sense because it’s long and complicated. To try to fit the entire story into 1 hour and 41 minutes is insane, the Sex and the City movie is 2 hours and 31 minutes for heavens sake.

The major plot device of this story is this notebook (Death Note) that when you write someone’s name in it, they die. There’s a bunch of other rules: you have to be thinking of their face, it has to be their full/real name, etc. There’s a death guide (a shinigami) that comes with the book that only the owner can see, (Ryuk, voiced by Willem Dafoe) who is kind of a sinister prankster and doesn’t have the owner’s best interests in mind & whose face and head seem to be made of porcupine spikes. We meet him when he creates a windstorm in a science lab full of craft supplies (what branch of science uses colored feathers?) and he mostly just sits in the dark while his eyes glow.

Where do I start? The kid who gets the notebook, Light Turner (whose name should be Light Yagami) tests it out on a kid at his school who is bullying someone and decapitates him (you can specify how someone dies) and then from there he tells this edgy cheerleader

(they establish she’s edgy by having 3 shots back to back: all the girls cheering and her just standing with her arms crossed,  her being vaulted to the top of the pyramid and crossing her arms again and rolling her eyes, and lastly a group of girls celebrating and her smoking a cigarette in the middle of it then walking out. It’s like a visual crossword puzzle where every clue is ‘teen angst’)

who turns out to be a sociopath about the book and it makes them fall in love? There’s this weird montage of them having implied sex and a bunch of people from the news dying that’s super weird and looks like if David Lynch did a commercial for bralettes.

The girl was annoying to me 1. because I don’t remember her from the books/I don’t think her character existed and 2. her character was just, “high school is boring, I want to kill people” which feels like not enough and too much all at the same time and 3. It felt like they just shoehorned a romance in there to make people more engaged, but if you had conveyed the story right they would already be engaged? It’s like taking something cool then stripping it of what makes it cool to just try to make it like everything else that’s bad.

There is a famous detective “L” on the case played by Lakeith Stanfield (who does great and no I don’t mind blind casting when it’s an actor of color) who does a great job with what he’s given. In the books the relationship between Light and L is much more of a cat and mouse game, it continues through Light going to college, but in this movie they have like 2 conversations before the movie devolves into a chase scene and everything is bad and I hated it.

Light’s dad is a member of the police and L has him give a speech taunting Kira (the media’s name for this anonymous killer- in the books it’s because of the way “Killer” is written/pronounced in Japanese, in this it’s anyone’s fucking guess. There was some half-hearted attempt to explain why a white dude made all the people he killed write something in perfect Japanese, a language he does not speak, before their deaths but did it suffice? Does it ever? In this version Light basically tells Mia that Kira means ‘light’ in Keltic and Russian right before reminding her that Irish people were slaves too) to see if Kira would spare him which he does, cementing L’s idea that the killer is the police officer’s son.

The movie rushheeeeddd through so much. The police trying to figure out/learning clues was such a fun part of this I remember and in this there’s MAYBE 20 minutes before L basically knows who Kira is. Something I just read reminded me that in the beginning Light would write in the Death Note right as he got out of school, which led police to wonder why a ‘local spree of murders was only being carried out at a specific time of day’ which in the books is why they brought L in at all.

There really is no plot- Light tries to get Watari (L’s assistant/friend) to give him L’s real name (he’s a government orphan trained to be a detective) so he can kill him. He fails, Watari dies, Light’s girlfriend sabotages the plan and writes Light’s name in the book so she can get it but then also be reunited after she brings him back from the dead with fire. They’re at a high school dance then falling off a collapsing Ferris Wheel, in a coma, out of a coma, everyone dies.

It’s just too much. I was honestly happy when everyone died at the end. Lakeith did a good job and he is the only one, everyone else should feel bad. The girl (Margaret Qualley) was ok and the dad were ok. And Watari played by Paul Nakauchi (the only Asian actor in the entire movie) was good even though he died pretty early.

Watching Lakeith act in this was like when you get those off-brand bags of candy for Halloween from CVS that have all gross ones and then a few Snickers. He is the Snickers. You appreciate what he’s doing but it’s not enough. The rest of this movie is those weird wax chewy things that come in unmarked orange and black wrappers. Or a green caramel apple lollipop. Or Necco Wafers. Whatever bad candy is to you really. This is a good analogy because L is always eating candy. In the books he “dies peacefully while eating a chocolate bar.” God bless. Anything to escape this right?

I don’t really have much else to say, it was SO bad. Except also the music seemed to have a rule that it could only be from the 80’s? They played 80’s slow songs at all the important moments regardless of what was going on: a police interruption of a school dance, two teens falling off a defunct Ferris Wheel, an alley fight, waking up from a coma, etc. All 80’s songs. And while I respect that discipline, the execution was horrible and misguided. And it rained for the whole middle third of the movie? Does bad acting look better in the rain?

If you want a better review you should read this one, I don’t have it in me to dissect anything because there was literally no merit in this film at all. I think it’d be more entertaining to read the Wikipedia page for the series, than watch this movie, it was very bad.

HALF an eaten apple (Ryuk likes those and they kind of showed it but not really) out of five possible full apples, will NOT masturbate again, even if I was in a cum desert.

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Insecure

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So, I was living under a stupid rock and hadn’t seen ANY of this show until a few weeks ago. I watched some of Awkward Black Girl when it was on YouTube but it’s so different now!!!!

The first time I watched an episode was the last night I was in New Orleans with my friends Geoff and Mary-Devon who were kind enough to let me stay at their house. We got back from a mic and wanted to watch something and they’re all caught up so we watched the Cookout episode (Hella Open-Season 2 Episode 3) and I could tell it was good and I liked it but I didn’t get the full scope of everyone’s actions. I kinda didn’t like Lawrence bc he did seem like a fuckboi, and I kinda didn’t get other stuff- like why Issa’s wall was burnt & stuff. But I really enjoyed the episode.

Fast forward to 2 weeks later, I am staying with a different friend in a different city who is ALSO kind enough to have me, and they have a big tv in the room I am staying in with HBO Go. She and I start at the beginning and I watched everything in two days, but actually watched the latest episode with people last night then caught up today. So I was all out of order but WOW.

Number one I think this is the best show on TV right now and has been for a while- I can’t really think of something that comes out every week like this that has been this good. (I have never seen Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead which I know are very popular but they just don’t appeal to me!!! I’m sure I’ll watch them in 10 years and love them).

But, back to this wonderful cast. So, everything about this show is good, it’s well-written, well-acted, well-scored, etc. etc. I love how full each character is and how everyone interacts. I’m genuinely so mad at Issa for cheating on Lawrence and I get that she was feeling not good in their relationship but I think cheating on someone is so fucked up and hurts them immeasurably forever.

Also, as my friend Ariel pointed out, they DON’T TALK about anything in their relationship, what they’re feeling, doubts, frustrations, etc. After they fuck up they will but not before when it’s just thoughts and that’s so unhealthy and unsustainable.

I really hate Tasha because she was flirting with Lawrence when she knew he had a girlfriend and I think you need to respect other people’s relationships but I think she was right in what she said to him on the phone. I don’t think that’s true about Lawrence overall, but in that situation, that’s definitely what was happening. Both he and Issa keep assuming that other people are cool with them fucking and not getting attached (Tahsa, Daniel) then they do and it’s bad. When Daniel comes to PICK HER UP because she got in a car accident (after sexting someone else) and she has to like debrief that she fucks other people cause he hugged her too long?? I hated thatttt. I think they’re both being selfish (Issa and Lawrence) in how they’re handling their breakup because they’re trying to hook up with people (which is fine) but they’re also trying to keep the feeling of emotional intimacy they both lost when they lost each other but that’s not fair to ask of someone else if you’re not going to reciprocate, which of course, neither of them is being a few months out of a five year relationship.

It’s so MESSY. I liked when Derek told Lawrence it wasn’t all on Issa, I can’t believe that hadn’t come up/occurred to him before.

I’m glad Molly slept with Dro, I think realizing that there is no perfect relationship will ultimately be good for her but I know it was a huge blow. I’m routing for Molly but was VERY annoyed by the way she treated Jered. LIKE first of all, working at Enterprise is a good job and could have so many perks!!! Hotels and car hookups hello?? But also, what are you measuring your partner by? I know that status and job matters to people and I’m sure there’s a lot that’s different when a black woman is dating that she is considering that I am not, but Jered is so sweet and kind and they had fun together! I know the fact that he hooked up with a guy bothered her, but I wish she had brought THAT up in therapy (again, I know even going was a lot for her so that will take time) but damn, his smile is worth a good job!!! I love him.

Friends: I love Kelli, she is hilarious, she DOES always make everything a joke, but their friend group seems to need that. I LOVE that she got fingered under the table at the diner (named Swingers lol), I love that her weight is not the most important thing about her character/mentioned at all. She just goes out, looks good, has fun like everybody else and bless everyone for that.

Tiffany is annoying and a little stuck up to me, I can’t wait until we meet her character more/learn more about her. I think they hinted at stuff to come with dropping that Derek cheated on her, I think/hope we will learn more about that. What’s so interesting is that we’re getting one action (cheating) now set up to be seen through the lens of three different relationships (Issa and Lawrence, Molly’s parents, and Derek and Tiffany). All the characters have different allegiances to the different people in those relationships so it forces them to see a situation from more than one side, I think it’s brilliant.

I like Chad, I think he’s a good friend and I hope we learn more about him too. I like that they give him dimensions as well, it’s so refreshing to see black characters who seem like actual people, not just a white person’s idea of a culture/stereotypical & flat. Like, he encourages Lawrence to fuck a lot of women but also knows about recessed lighting. That’s a real person.

Ugh, I do want Lawrence and Issa to get back together but not if they don’t change the way they interact. She has to be able to TELL him she’s feeling attracted to her ex or that his lack of ambition/motivation in his own life drags her down a little bit when they are so intertwined. He also needs to be able to forgive her for cheating which is A LOT-how do you regain that trust?? Maybe they will talk to Molly’s parents about it.

Also how sex is portrayed on the show a lot of people have brought up on Twitter how there’s no condom use shown and Issa tweeted about it saying that it’s mostly implied (with pics of Lawrence reaching down under the blankets and close up of a condom wrapper on the nightstand) but that they’ll be better/more overt about it in the future so that’s cool. I was in a group where we were talking about the sex scene between Issa and Lawrence when he came to pick up his mail and BEFORE I saw it I was saying that women can get wet really quickly and it’s definitely possible, but after seeing it, the way it came out of NOWHERE and then was just happening, I kind of agree that there’s no way she could have been wet?? Maybe if she just got wet from seeing him after not for so long? But it was so emotionally tense, I can’t imagine that her body was like, “Yes, passion, we’re ready.”

Something that completely also threw me is why did they get rid of the couch because they spilled something on it?? It’s a couch??? I guess the implication is that she spills stuff all the time and it was just too far gone, but if you just bought that couch like 5 years ago wouldn’t you just recover it or something? Especially if only one of you has a job? Idk, if gas is 9 dollars a gallon (yes I SAW that) then I can’t imagine what they’re charging for couches out there?? But perhaps it was worth it to hear their neighbor say “bouch.”

There’s so many funny lines in this show, this show is so funny. I love Issa and Molly’s relationship-ooh and I LOVED how their fight was handled. So real how they both had pent up aggression and resentment to the other one for how they handled their own lives that all just came spilling out. I also liked the way it was resolved in the car ride however I will say, the way Issa called Molly the day after to ‘thank her for her donation’ and see if she was still mad was truly insane to me and painted her as an emotionally selfish/out of touch person and made me rethink her situation with Lawrence a little. Like, even if she was just pretending to try to get out of having an awkward conversation, to call someone who you had an all out fight with the night before where each of you insulted who the other one is as a person, and jokingly ask if they’re still mad at you is deranged.

I like Daniel !!! I wish that Issa did but for whatever reason she does not!! Like, I know he didn’t put in what you wanted him to in COLLEGE but he is a grown ass man now and he is and I don’t want him to just get thrown away again because I like him and think he is a good dude! Am I apologizing/siding too much with the men?? I’ll think about it.

Lawrence’s threesome was so interesting because it seemed like this thing that of course he was supposed to enjoy but the way it happened felt really gross and those girls seemed gross and they used him the way he was using Tasha and I think he wants women to be emotionally invested in him!! But also they seemed to sexualize black men in this way that was dehumanizing and that’s a lot to unpack when you’re inside of someone.

The way people Issa work with are portrayed is perfect, it reminded me of Kate Walsh in Girls Trip a little, so fucking tone deaf. It’s also both cathartic and frustrating to see her fantasy act outs of saying what she really wants to say to them, but can’t. I love Frieda as a character and the stuff she and Issa are going through at work. The dynamics of race and situational vs. systematic oppression and everyone’s part in that and who can call out who and all of it is good to see dissected.

And finally, Issa’s style is SO INTERESTING AND COOL the things she wears are truly inspirational to me–like how are you wearing a jean shirt as a dress to work? Or a t-shirt to an art gallery but you look fancy? And I love that she and Molly always switch their hair up, and show everyone constantly commenting on it and how annoying that is, like yes, black women can do cool shit with their hair. Let them be.

Basically this show is great and it’s made me have some really interesting conversations and I haven’t even read ANYTHING online yet so that’s gonna be great and yes.

5 out of 5 Broken Pussy’s, will masturbate again forever.

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Queen of the Damned

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Today felt like a good day to watch The Queen of the Damned for the first time. I’m moving to New York in four days, our President won’t take a hard stance against Nazis, rule of threes; so it feels right to watch Aaliyah’s first and last movie (do we count Romeo Must Die?) today.

The premise of this movie seems to be, “What if a member of the immortal undead started a Nu Metal band?” and it mostly is. Our protagonist, Lestat (Stuart Townsend???? This is a far cry from Robot Chicken, ok) was changed into a vampire but he really longs to be “known” so he finds a goth No Doubt and becomes their front man. They become famous and he is very open about how he is a vampire, which is a big no no in the vampire community (can you imagine the message boards?). Many of them decide to come to his big concert at Death Valley to dismember him, as you do.

While onstage at the concert fighting the vampires off (he beheads one of them in front of thousands of people in jenko’s, no one cares) Lestat is reminded of the very powerful friend he made, Queen Akasha (Aaliyah) who is like, the hot grandma of all the vampires, when she comes and murders all of them. She can kill other vampires with fire (also in the vampire club she pulls someone’s heart out and eats it!!) and once she does that to all of them, then she portals herself and Lestat into the sky.

I forgot to mention the white woman all of this is centered around, (lol isn’t there always?) Jesse, (Marguerite Moreau) who is in some sort of history vampire justice league to study them but she wants to be one? The other history guys don’t like that part and they try to forbid her, but she is really set on maybe dying. So she goes by herself to this vampire club, which for some reason she needs Sailor Moon buns to do (her outfits in this movie are VERY interesting), then of course she almost gets eaten because she is a human in a vampire bar, but Lestat saves her because she read his journals. Normally people don’t like but I guess when you’re immortal you don’t really care about invasions of privacy, and remember, he just wants to be “known!” Later Jesse gets chosen as one of the groupies to be eaten after one of his shows but when he sees it’s her they just have sexual tension on a balcony instead. She tries to convince Lestat to turn her into a vampire by cutting herself on the boob with a paperclip (girl) but he wants to show her the magnitude of her decision so he murders someone in the park in front of her to feed and is like, “Do you want it now??” and she’s like, “No jk” and leaves. That outfit by the way, was a plaid bondage dress with a choker and some platform boots and eye makeup that says, “I’m ready to be undead!” A lot of this fashion has come back around and is stylish again. For most of the movie Jesse just looked like she was headed to a Grimes show.

Something I forgot to mention: the man/vampire that turned Lestat was this guy Marius, who had a secret fire basement that Lestat found one night when he was playing violin too intensely. Once down there, (“there” looked a lot like the Chamber of Secrets in Harry Potter btw) he summoned Aaliyah from the dead by playing the violin and then drank her blood through the stone that she was. Did I mention she was stone? Yes, she was a marble statue that slowly came to life and had veins and was awoken by some fast violin. You guys know how stone is!!!!

So she’s alive again and she hates people!!! (Girl I get it!!!) After she and Lestat leave his concert by upwards tornado funnel they go to this mansion and have weird blood sex in a tub filled with rose petals (aww!) and then when he wakes up, the pool and surrounding beach are filled with corpses (aww 😦 ). Her blood makes him able to walk in the light (but honestly I didn’t even notice that there was no sunlight in the movie prior to that scene which makes me think I’ve been doing too much stand up) and stronger.

Meanwhile Jesse has reconnected with her long lost Aunt who she assumed died, but guess what! She’s a vampire! They’re having a reunion/meeting with some other vampires when Aaliyah and Lestat crash it. Aaliyah is like, let’s kill all the humans and the others vampires are like Nah, so she decides to kill them first. Lestat tricks her by making out with her arm too long and weakens her and everyone else attacks and kills her. (Aaliyah is in this movie for 30 minutes I swear to God. She doesn’t come into it until 52 minutes, then dies around 1:32).

Before any of that though, Aaliyah made Lestat prove his love to her by killing Jesse. He did, but then after Queen Akasha dies he makes Jesse drink his blood and turn into a vampire. A little dark eye makeup later, she is immortal!! There is a cool time lapse shot of Jesse and Lestat walking towards Big Ben to let us know they stay together for all of eternity, and that this movie was supposed to be in London this whole time, even though no one had accents.

Some things: I have never seen a fat vampire. Fat vampires deserve representation!! Where are they?? Also, they had a classic in-movie MTV news update and I miss when that was a thing. Is MTV news still a thing? The only other movies I can remember using this as a way to show news are Josie and the Pussycats and Zoolander. So, that’s a pretty good record. This movie also made me look up a listicle of black vampires which was a good list. I think Blade is still my favorite (but I’ve never seen Blacula or True Blood or the Eddie Murphy one or the Grace Jones one, or any of the others really).

It’s insane how tiny Aaliyah is in this movie, also her costumes were unreal and it made me want to see Queen of the Damned cosplay or a burlesque act of someone as Queen Akasha (I really have been doing too much stand up). Most of the time she just had metal swirls covering her boobs and a long skirt and a headdress with more jewels than you would think would be there. She also does this thing where her eyebrows extend into her hairline? It sounds bad but it looks good, it’s like the most extreme cat eye.

I’ve talked about some specifically but the costumes in general in this movie were PHENOMENAL. Lestat especially has a cool vibe, he starts out as someone who would own a horse in the 1700’s and then goes to power goth, then a glam undertaker situation. The huge concert he does he is wearing this gauzy mesh shirt with ARM TIES which maybe I can’t describe and you should just look up but he looks like a sexy bread bag.

Ooh also lastly-Interview with the Vampire and Queen of the Damned are both Anne Rice novels- Queen of the Damned is the third one, but it’s the same main dude- I guess they just didn’t have Tom Cruise money for this one though.

I was surprised, the way people talk about this movie (or don’t talk about it am I right??) I was expecting it to be terrible but it wasn’t at all, I really liked it!! I am particularly partial to this type of movie, I don’t really know how to describe it but I know it when I see it. Blade is one, the club scenes in the Matrix are another, XXX might be? Maybe I just like fight scenes in night clubs and a blue/green filter on film. Who knows! But I did like it, I don’t think it’s bad. You want a bad movie, I tried to watch the BFG on Netflix before this and couldn’t finish it, that one was bad. This was fun. Maybe Aaliyah’s death put this pressure on it, because it wasn’t this amazing piece of art people felt like it wasn’t worth her death and it made the movie seem worse at the time? Couldn’t tell ya. Like I said–in 2017, I liked it.

3 out of 5 undead sailor moon buns, will definitely masturbate again!

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Girls Trip

Girls Trip (2017)

Wow. I mean , you’ve probably heard all the reviews by this time. (I was trying to save this until I packed/moved but I’m so happy I didn’t because if I had watched this movie that was set & filmed in New Orleans right after moving I would have bawled my eyes out).

Everything people are saying is true, this movie is really funny. That’s so hard to do. It’s so hard for a big budget, grand-scale, high expectations film to actually deliver. Look at Zoolander 2. I think it’s really really hard to try and predict what people will find funny on that scale-idk something about it is incredibly elusive to me. Writing is difficult and a skill!

Obviously Tiffany Haddish is the break out star of this movie. No one knew who she was, and not only did she hold her own on screen with some of the biggest actors in the world (Queen Latifah?? Jada Pinkett Smith?? Regina Hall??? Regina Hall might not be as big a name as the other two but I have loved Regina Hall since Scary Movie and she has been consistently working since then, her IMDB page has movies for every year since she started-except 2007!! What happened in 2007 Regina? Did you take time off to attend my high school graduation?) but Tiffany out shined all of them!! When they were filming this movie in New Orleans I got to know Tiffany because she would come out and do stand up shows. She really is that funny and she’s incredibly down to earth and kind. Anyway I have her phone number and she told me I need to ask for money when I perform and she was all around great. And beautiful. Ok.

I loved how varied the comedy was in this movie, it wasn’t just physical comedy or wordplay or character-y it was kind of a mix of everything which made each type surprising when you saw it. Like when the guy shows his dick, or both pee takes, it hadn’t been especially physical up to that point so it really felt shocking in a good way. Or when someone would slip in a joke/dig it would catch you off guard because a lot of the other dialogue surrounding it had been sincere. I liked that balance. But don’t think this movie didn’t have heart too!!!!

Ok some basic plot: Regina King plays Ryan, the protagonist and a very successful lady. I’m not really sure what she does specifically, she seems like kind of a life guru. She has a book, does speaking engagements, impromptu cooking shows, and is in the middle of negotiations for a deal to turn all of that into a lifestyle brand for a store with some white lady named Bethany. (I truly loved how painful all the white women in this movie were, Kate Walsh especially, but we will get to her later). All of these endeavors revolve around the concept of “having it all” and lots of that focuses on/is validated by her marriage to Stewart Pierce (Mike Colter-Luke Cage!!). But as we find out through the Flossy Posse (the name for their friend group) he is cheating on her with an Instagram model named Simone. (Who kind of falls into the Tyler Perry dark-skinned-evil trope but ok). They have this whole dilemma of how to tell Ryan, and finally Dina (Tiffany) just blurts it out and we find out that Ryan KNOWS and they are “working through it” and that their marriage is kind of a business deal at this point.

You can tell the women are saddened by this compromise on her end, but they all want to have fun and they trust her with her judgement in her own life (except Dina) so they kind of defer to the reasons and decision she has made.

More fun stuff happens, they go out and drink and have fun, a lot of underlying tension lies between Ryan and Sasha (Queen Latifah). We don’t know why in the beginning but then it comes out that they endeavored to go into business together and Sasha kind of put it all on the line and Ryan bailed, to go into these other business opportunities with her husband and Sasha was forced to go into celebrity gossip online stuff which Ryan thinks is beneath her, but is also kind of her fault.

The reason they are in New Orleans at all, the reason for the trip is that Ryan is the keynote speaker at Essence and she has prepared her big speech. Later in the weekend, the pictures they all saw privately through Sasha’s sources, leak, and Ryan accuses Sasha for doing it on purpose for the money.

This triggers a HUGE fight between all four of them where everyone kind of airs the problems they have with everyone else, most hilariously, (of course) Dina who keeps stomping off and stomping back to give them things from her purse with explanations that are indignant in their confessions. “OH and I’ll give you back your credit card cause I don’t want you to accuse me of stealing it, and YES I maxed it out cause you got a low-ass limit,” etc.

Everyone sort of goes their separate ways. Ryan is prepared to give her speech explaining/lying about the pictures, securing the deal with Bethany, by reassuring the public that everything is great in her marriage and you really can “have it all.” But right after she begins the Flossy Posse all barges in in their embroidered denim jackets (that Lisa made earlier that they all rejected for being too ugly at the airport) and Ryan sees them and spills it all. She says, “there are some people that once you see them you have to be yourself because they know you better than that” something like that. Anyway, she says the truth, much to the dismay of the white women and gets a standing ovation from the crowd. After we find out that Bethany DOES still want to do the deal, but just with Ryan and everything works out.

I missed some parts- before this, Simone told Sasha she was pregnant and she was keeping it, Lisa had sex with one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever seen, Dina taught her the grapefruit technique (thank you Miss Angel!), all the girls tripped (lol) on Absinthe, there was a VERY passive aggressive live cooking segment about sausages, Dina dances onstage with P.Diddy, they get in a dance fight with Simone & friends in wigs, etc. etc. Throughout all this, there is a guy Julian (Larenz Tate) who they all knew in college from way back who is a successful musician now and is in town playing with Neyo. He rescues them from countless situations (gives them his hotel room, picks them up from the fight-I watched this with my friends Benjamin and Anthony and during this part Ben leaned in and said, “the most implausible part of this whole movie is that someone parked on Frenchmen”) and he and Ryan have a flirty thing but he clearly wants to keep his distance while she figures out her marriage stuff.

A note on Kate Walsh: She was so perfectly CRINGEWORTHY, it was great. She’s too entitled to black men’s bodies, she uses “slang” and says things like, “Have fun on your hashtag black girl magic weekend, girl! Preach.” It was so funny how awful she was and I thought showcased in how black women no matter how successful they are still have to put up with white bullshit (even/ESPECIALLY when it’s well-intentioned) and constantly navigate between two worlds.

This movie was really fun and I enjoyed most every minute of it (of which there were 122). I hope they do sequels forever, and that more black ensemble cast movies are funded, and that more black writers and directors are hired, and that slowly media representation catches up to the world we actually live in.

4/5 grapefruits, will for sure masturbate again!!

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Joe Rogan: Triggered

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I guess no one’s gonna be shocked that I didn’t like this special. The only person in the world I would watch Joe Rogan for is my brother who texted me, “Joe Rogan Triggered is perhaps the funniest thing I’ve seen since 2011” which is ironic because after watching it, I don’t think Joe Rogan has gone outside since 2011! Lots of stuff has happened since then Joe! So much stuff! !

Joe Rogan is like if a beer gained sentience and could love but also refused to understand gender. Some people might think it’s ironic to write a blog post about a special I didn’t like called “Triggered.” That’s probably why he named it that, because he thought it was a clever step ahead of online criticism. (I can tell he thinks he’s very clever!! Always a good sign for a comic!!) But if that’s the case, that pretty much encapsulates what was tiresome and boring about this special.

First of all, if that is the case (which I definitely believe it is) he’s misusing the word- it doesn’t mean you don’t like something or you were angry, it means there is a stimulus that aggravates a pre-existing set of conditions, social or physical, that you have. I wasn’t triggered by this special. I didn’t like this special. The fact that he preemptively uses the word incorrectly to anticipate other people’s problem with it- is exactly who he is onstage the majority of the time.

He literally tries to argue that he’s not sexist (spoiler alert, he definitely is!!) by saying his favorite people are women. In a bit where he keeps repeating over and over “Women can’t do strong physical labor jobs, they just can’t” he says, “and I know some of you are thinking that’s sexist. Well it isn’t. I can’t be sexist because my favorite people are women. My wife and my two daughters, those are my favorite people in the world. But I could beat the shit out of them.” The joke there about beating his family doesn’t bother me, but the notion that he can’t be sexist because he loves some/three women is false premise/he doesn’t understand what sexism is. It’s pretty clear he thinks it just means you hate all women. He goes on to say a bunch of other wrong things about sex and gender (I’m saying wrong because there’s just objective markers we have to acknowledge outside of opinion which is YES everyone’s OWN).

All his stuff about gender was very wrong, but it’s also probably not his wheelhouse, so we’re not allowed to judge him on that, right? (Isn’t it interesting how women always have to make room in their perspectives for men’s emotional exceptionalism but that is somehow never reciprocal or returned? Lol, just a fun observation from my 28 years on this Earth!) He did have interesting ideas, but then he drives them to a tired backwards point. He feels like the smartest dumb person that exists. He’s at the exact edge between enlightenment & stupidity and he keeps trying to make a bridge with his words to get to the other side but instead his words are vines keeping him where he is. Not that not understanding trans identity is being stupid, but I think being so assured of yourself when you have the knowledge that so much is unknown (which he reiterates again and again in reference to OTHER’S beliefs) is stupid.

He likens his ‘manhood’ (which first of all, gross, I haven’t use someone use that word in sincerity since some twenty year olds playing teenagers in She’s All That made a bet about their virginities but ok Joe) to a “tower of marbles” and living with his wife and two daughters as “chipping away at it” and goes on to clarify that each action they do is like taking two marbles, which “isn’t enough to balk at, but then you don’t have any left.” He then ties it all together by saying, “You find a man who could live with the Kardashians for all those years and not come out a chick.” So he is very clearly laying out his belief that being transgender is what happens because you’re around too many women. (I say very clearly because I know there’s SOMEONE in the universe who’s going to dig their heels in the sand and say, “he doesn’t believe that, it’s a joke!!!” There’s no joke here- just a misinformed belief about identity and gender).

There were two lines I liked specifically: “You’re in a box with rapists and murderers and the worst they can do to you is leave you alone” that’s Joe talking about solitary confinement, which is a really interesting perspective, and at one point he said, “I look like a thumb with two other thumbs” and that was funny to me.

After talking to my brother I have a slightly different perspective which is: don’t condemn the special for what it’s not, or write it off as unhelpful to all because it is unhelpful to me, but I do still think that most of the jokes are predicated on an idea that is inherently harmful to some populations and it wasn’t funny enough to outbalance that for me. Whereas in say, Dave Chappelle’s special (the first in that run he just put out on Netflix) where he clearly has similar feelings, it was. Mostly I just wished the men in all our lives listened to us and saw our nuance the same way they see their own and expect us to see their own.

But also, fuck Joe Rogan!!! Which I am allowed to say and feel !!!

Look, after talking about this with a couple of people, Joe Rogan seems to be the hill many men are willing to die on. So many men connect with him because he’s both masculine AND intellectual in a way they haven’t seen/experienced before and that is new to them and it makes them feel protective of him (sometimes because they assume that’s what people have issue with because that’s what’s new to them). BUT this is why gender norms are harmful for fucking everyone and not just a “women’s issue” (kill me) because there exist men who are both those things who also aren’t sexist and transphobic and whatever else he is under that button down, there just aren’t nuanced portrayals of masculinity in culture for them to see it.

Also Jesus Christ, if another man tries to show me Joe Rogan’s ‘light’ and ask me continuous questions trying to get me to acknowledge that’s SOME parts are good, not ALL of the special is bad-yeah he is KIND of sexist but SOME of these thoughts are interesting and why don’t you care about THAT-because I fucking don’t. I don’t need to make allowances for people I don’t think are funny, and also harmful. Is he the worst comic working? Not by a long shot. Does that mean I like him? No. Do I owe him anything like respect? No. If he’s your fucking hero, you talk about him. I don’t need to protect him from anything, especially my opinion, especially when his whole set is attacking other people who are different from him, who he doesn’t understand.

Fin. Thank you Joe Rogan for ruining this night, but also for triggering (!!!!!!!!!!! see what I did there) an interesting conversation with my brother. 1 out of 5 weed dolphins, wouldn’t masturbate again.

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Bad Moms

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In a shocking turn of events, this movie that looked like a vehicle for white wine with the tag, “Party like a mother,” is well-written and funny. When is the last time you saw a comedy that you were like, “the writing in this is interesting and intelligent?” Never/Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping.

The movie follows Mila Kunis as Amy Mitchell, a mom who can’t catch or give herself a break! She has a bowl of Apple Jacks for a husband (is that the douchiest sounding cereal? I think so) who ends up cheating on her online. (Which is still cheating!!! They have a back and forth about this in the movie and he’s like, “I never actually did anything” and it’s like, bro how dented is your moral compass to not understand it’s still wrong to mutually masturbate with someone else online while you keep it from your partner?)

Amy has 2 kids, a boy (who looks exactly like Gordo from Lizzie McGuire) who is a slacker and a daughter who is very concerned about what extracurriculars will get her into an Ivy League college even though she’s twelve. Amy does everything for her kids (even their homework sometimes which I also think is unethical but she stops eventually) on a quest to be a “good mom.” She, and most other parents, are tyrannized by the witchy (and not the cool kind of witchy, the bad kind) head of the PTA Gwendolyn Harris played by Christina Applegate. IMDB has made the interesting choice of not including last names of characters on the movie’s page despite them being in the movie so I’m just guessing on some of these.

So, when Amy kicks her husband out for cybering some woman with a huge bush (that is exactly how she is referenced in the movie) she starts deciding she has to prioritize herself. She scales back on her “cool coffee job” (a start up run by Clark Duke who I like so much. Hot Tub Time Machine 4evr), stops making breakfast for her kids, and quits the PTA in a fiery blaze then goes to a bar to drink. #Relatable.

At the bar she meets Carla, played by Kathryn Hahn. Kathryn Hahn is such a talented comedic actress and just talented in general. I love her. She was one of the only good parts of The Visit and she’s so funny in Parks & Rec and she’s underused in everything else but I hope she’s coming into a personal Renaissance (a Hahn Dynasty if you will!!). In this she plays a single mom who is DTF mostly everything and who loves her son to pieces even though she thinks he is stupid and “would rather go to Afghanistan than another baseball game.” She’s definitely the “FUCK THAT” element of the group, often facilitating big movements and pushing the other women to do things they should and want to do. There’s also a scene where Amy and Kiki call her to ask if she wants to go to a movie in the middle of the day and she’s already there and I respect that immensely.

At the bar she also meets Kiki (Kristen Bell) who follows her there after the PTA kerfuffle to tell Amy she’s impressed by what she did. Kiki is a stay at home mom who is very sheltered and meek and gets called “bitch” a lot by her kids (one time, but that’s still a lot). Her husband seems like the worst, very controlling and has a “isn’t that your job?” attitude towards parenting and gender in general. She starts wearing lipstick towards the end of the movie and it’s fun for everyone.

The women all drink dark liquor and go on a particularly rowdy trip to the supermarket together and I know that sounds lame but it’s shot in slow motion and is actually really wonderful. At one point (in slow motion) they’re making an alcoholic milkshake in the aisle and a security guard starts running towards them but then Kathryn Hahn charges him and he turns around midway and runs into a La Croix display and it’s an A+.

Gwendolyn has it out for Amy because the PTA is a dictatorship and she can’t have any insubordination, so she goes after Amy through her kids. Mainly her daughter because women are always targets but also because you can’t really “get” someone who doesn’t care about anything, which is kind of her son’s whole personality. So first Gwendolyn forces the soccer coach to bench Jane (which, I know this is a fictional character- but can’t we retire some names the way sports teams retire some jersey numbers? I think ‘Jane’ could take a few years off) then later plants drugs in her locker which I think we can all agree is too much. Amy decides she wants to run for head of the PTA to shorten Gwendolyn’s leash and invites women to her house for a get together to discuss. There are fliers. Gwendolyn throws a competing party with Martha Stewart and meatballs. The four women at Amy’s house (one woman came because Carla said she would have sex with her husband if she didn’t) start drinking and playing that game where you hold your phone against your head and try to guess the word through clues. Everyone (even Martha Stewart) ends up coming over to Amy’s because you can’t keep free white wine a secret and it’s a success. Amy even ends up fucking the hot widower afterwards that is inevitably in this movie.

I don’t really feel like going through every plot point, one of the things I liked about the movie was how quickly it moved, stuff just happens and they get to the next thing and each scene is funny and good and moves the plot forward. I liked that after she decides to divorce her husband (after seeing couples counselor WANDA SYKES!!!!!!!!) they honor the complications/nuance of their relationship/the situation and share a hug. Too many times in these movies the women leave their husbands (or vice versa) and it’s a completely easy decision! Which it never is! Someone can be a mean idiot and you still love them and it’s still hard to break up the life you’ve spent the past however many years creating. I liked that they hugged and had that moment. 

In the end Amy does get elected as head of the PTA after giving a speech. If in a movie you don’t know if your speech is going well, just wait and see if people start standing up and giving personal anecdotes full of humor and heart to address your points at the end. If they are, it is!! Lots of loose ends get wrapped up, her kids apologize for being assholes and Amy has a heart to heart with Gwendolyn who’s crying in her car and it’s so funny. Gwendolyn starts spilling all the things that are really going on at home and they’re all terrible and big except through tears with the same intensity she goes, “And my DVR just stopped recording Castle. How does that even happen???” and breaks down sobbing and it’s so funnyyyy. Christina Applegate is ALSO a wonderful comedic actress. It’s almost as if women are really funny? Like so many of them?? An undeniable amount???

There were so many lines in this that made me laugh out loud and happy to be watching which, let me reiterate again, doesn’t happen very often!

The takeaway from this movie seemed to be, “Don’t judge moms because it’s harder than you know and no one knows what they’re doing and just let everyone do their best” and that seems like a good message. There were things in this movie that the moms said that i had never thought of or heard that made sense- like Mila Kunis said she felt like the worst mom in the world at least once a day and that seems like something that people feel. Also she said in her end of movie speech that what works for her daughter rarely works for her son and that’s interesting I never thought about that-needing balance within one home for two kids. That’s valuable perspective to have! Hi mom!

At the end of the movie there were interviews with all the actors and their moms and it was so cute!! I watched Rush Hour 2 yesterday and I’m really a huge fan of these compilations that play during the credits with real scenes or bloopers or whatever.

It’s just really good, everyone should see it. 4 out of 5 store bought holes, (I just realized I never talked about this part but during the bake sale where no one can have items with gluten, nuts, white sugar, etc. etc. all these things, Amy just brings doughnut holes from a grocery store and Gwendolyn comes up livid and one of her minions says, “You can’t just bring store bought holes” and I liked it) would/will masturbate again.

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Sarah Silverman: A Speck of Dust

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!!!! Man, this woman. (Man, I feel like a woman!). I love Sarah Silverman. She is so funny and she has been for so long and the only thing I like about Jimmy Kimmel is that he has to be a good person if he dated her, that’s honestly the only thing keeping me from writing him off completely because I don’t forget The Man Show and I know that probably wasn’t mostly his doing and he was just taking an opportunity but it’s still content that was put out in the world and no amount of videos of parents eating their kids candy is going to change that. Anyway.

This special starts incredibly strong and I made a very enthusiastic snapstory endorsing it, and then it kind of trailed off in the middle a little bit, less punchy and she was playing with structure in a way that didn’t always work out for me (kept interrupting herself to say, “put a pin in that” or explaining a type of joke, or “doubling back” but didn’t always come back or have a payoff worth the interruption so then I lost a little trust the next time she did it) and I would say the second half was much more story-telling than jokes? Like she would take a while to explain something and then there wouldn’t be enough at the end to balance out (in my opinion). Most notably she did this act out about TV shows and how they’re shot and she explained a lot and crouched down and used people’s real names, it was a whole thing, then didn’t have a greater realization at the end as a button, just explained, “so that’s how they do that” for these particular shots in TV. And that was a little disappointing. And she brought a legal pad onstage which I can only assume was a set list which I don’t think I’ve seen anyone do for a special! So that was kind of shocking, but also it wasn’t very distracting, she didn’t look at it that much.

She also didn’t take the mic out of the stand until 40 minutes in- which I didn’t notice until she did it and I was like, ‘oh she hasn’t done that yet.’ There was a rape joke that I didn’t know if it was worth it (the rape kit after sex one, not the one about her sister) but she always jokes about “taboo” things in a tongue and cheek way and it didn’t seem reckless or unconsidered or anything, it just wasn’t the hardest hit for me personally.

She tells a “story” at the end (which kind of felt how when I have a bunch of ideas on one topic but I haven’t figured out how to link them all together yet, or made them all successful individual jokes yet) about how she almost died. She had an abscess on her windpipe and they had to remove it and it was a dangerous surgery and she was telling the audience about this video her friend recorded, and then after the special while the credits were playing, they showed it and somehow that was my favorite part (almost) it’s really endearing and touching in this odd way.

She talks about her family really in depth in a way I can’t remember her doing in other specials, with this level of specificity that doesn’t make everyone look good, including herself, and that was interesting to me, I like to think about how maybe people’s rules for what she can say about them onstage have evolved throughout the years.

She has such a range, she’s not afraid of any topic even if it’s intense or dark and by not afraid I don’t just mean not afraid to makes jokes about it, I mean not afraid to just talk about it for what feels like minutes on end before the joke, just living in it- that happens with rape, with abortion, with having hooks for hands, you know, things that affect all women. It kind of felt like she’s so funny she’s not scared to not be funny if that makes sense. Like when I do stand up for something important I want jokes to fill every possible second so there’s no doubt that I’m funny but you can see she doesn’t need the audience to validate her so she’s just talking about what she wants to talk about in the way that she wants to talk about it.

There was a weird editing glow, it kind of looked like there was a haze over her face? Or that the special was one long glamour shot? Which was odd, I wonder if that was an editing choice to make her look younger? Or just the filter on the lights? It was a little distracting only because it was so obviously tampered with in some way.

At the end she does this audience participation part where she brings a self-identified religious guy down to the front of the stage (Troy) and asks him if he would let God come in his mouth (he says no) and harkens it back to God asking Abraham to kill his first born son (“Chip”) and he would but most guys wouldn’t let God come in their mouths and that’s so funny to me, to juxtapose people’s hang ups about masculinity with their required religious blind faith. I don’t think she specifically asked for a man (I’d have to go back and look) I think she just asked for an audience member who is religious, the joke doesn’t hinge on it being a hang up with masculinity, I think people have sexual hang ups in general especially people who are raised religious, it was just an added layer for me because lots of men really reject anything that seems “gay” or emasculating about sex (like having things put in their ass even though that’s where their prostate/bundle of nerves is) so I enjoyed that.

Overall I really enjoyed it! Laughed out loud way more times than I normally do watching stand up. Her delivery is so composed, I can never tell what was planned and what wasn’t. There was an instance that seemed like a misspeak where she traded “NPR” for “NRA” but then followed it with, “completely different tote bags” which is so funny it made me think she included it just for that?? But could she have just thought of that then?? I mean ostensibly she could have, when you see the video of her drugged up and going to surgery at the end you see how smart she is, she’s explaining Brexit and laying out a neutral media plan for nationwide happiness. It was great. Also apparently whenever she and her boyfriend are parting they’ll go, “I think we should see other people” which is true love to me. Oh! I just remembered another part she never quite tied up she had this whole bit about how movies are ruining our concept of love that I was really investing in/following that she dipped out of for a second to indulge a quick pun then never went back to. And I was sad about that.

Anyway, I could write a million more things about this but I’m late for a show!!! Time flies when you’re remembering jokes about anal sex huh??? Anyway, 4.3/5 hooks for hands, would masturbate again.

Oh P.S. I really like the name of the special and the thought that’s behind it that isn’t even a joke just seemed like something she wanted to say and get across!! Cool. And the part about squirrels was really funny too!!

 

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It Comes At Night

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I just paid ten dollars to see this and I’m angry. Why. Why do people pay money to make themselves feel bad? I don’t understand this type of movie at all. Pointlessly bad. If you want to feel terrible just read a newspaper, pay attention to the world. It’s bad! I don’t understand the point of hiring a bunch of actors to film a script that has no fucking purpose- why create a world?? Ok I’m getting ahead of myself. Plot:

This movie takes place in a world where there is some unexplained disease that no one knows anything about that is transmitted through air or contact, we don’t fucking know, and so people moved out of the cities to escape it and now they live in the woods. Joel Edgerton and his wife and son (Carmen Ejogo and Kelvin Harrison Jr.) (and I just found out the director and writer are the same person, so great this was his *vision* ugh) live in a boarded up house where they just eat food and survive. Then one night someone tries to break into the house (this is after the Grandpa gets sick and has to be shot in the head then set on fire and buried- how did he get sick? We don’t fucking know. Why can’t the dog get sick? It doesn’t wear a gas mask. WHO KNOWS) and Joel ties him to a tree and he’s trying to figure out if he can trust him and the guy is just trying to get water for his family blah blah blah. Sarah (Joel’s wife) decides they should get the family and bring them back instead of bartering for food because they already know where they live, then they’ll have more people to guard the house, etc.

They bring them back, they have a young son, Andrew, and everyone seems to be co-existing fine. Travis who is 17 keeps having disease nightmares where his Grandpa vomits black blood on him and is just generally off-putting looking, he also has a sexual dream about Kim, the young mother who just moved in where she mounts him and then also vomits black blood on him. He always wakes up from these and honestly I’M sick of this device in horror (and all) movies, where they show a crazy scene then GUESS WHAT it was a dream!!!! You lazy piece of shit- why don’t you write a plot that’s actually good instead of showing things that aren’t happening and being like, “Just kidding!!! That’s not real!!!” like 5 different times in the movie. It happened like 5 different times.

Then one night Travis gets up and sees the door (the RED door because of cheap SYMBOLISM) that’s never opened, OPENED and he wakes everyone up then they have a meeting in the middle of the night and Travis swears he didn’t open the door, and maybe Andrew opened the door, because he was out of bed when Travis got up and found him, then they’re interrogating the little boy but he can’t remember anything because he was asleep and seven, so they all decide to spend some “time apart” in the quarantined house they all live in together, so they take rations of food and water to their respective rooms and lock themselves in.

Then Travis worries that Andrew is sick and he touched him, and he has another “dream” (fuck you!) where he is sick, but then he wakes up. He eavesdrops on the other family (he also was always creeping around listening to people, it was weird to me, I think he was supposed to come off a little weird) and he hears Andrew crying and Will and Kim (the parents) saying they’re going to leave. He wakes his mom and dad up & tell them, then they’re worried they’re going to take more of the food than they should so they get gas masks and guns to confront them.

Now, up til this point there’s been a lot of discussion of who can we trust, Joel has told Travis you only trust family, also there was a slip up it seemed when Will mentioned he was an only child but earlier he said they were staying with his brother. When Joel asked him, he corrected it was his brother-in-law but that he “felt like a brother.” A little suspicious. And again when Joel goes to the door and asks to come in, they’re acting suspicious & not letting him in (which makes it seem like they’re hiding something) but also they probably feel the exact same way-you can only trust family-and are being cautious. The situation escalates, as it always seems to when there are guns and you’re living in an apocalyptic world, and it kind of turns into a stand off and Joel gets Will’s gun from him (that he had been hiding this whole time) because Sarah was in the hall with a gun. He pistol whips Will and puts them in the corner (insert Dirty Dancing reference here) with Kim and Andrew. Then they’re leading them outside and Will pretends he’s weaker than he is and manages to get the drop on Joel (whose name in this is Paul but who cares it might as well be fucking Joel) and starts beating him in the head with the butt of a gun so Sarah shoots him, then Kim and Andrew run into the woods and Joel shoots at them and kills Andrew. Kim is screaming “you killed my son!” for about a minute, then he kills her too.

Travis has come out at this point and sees the whole thing. Then Travis gets sick and dies. Then there’s a flashback of him walking to the door that’s open (there are so many things that could have saved this for me and one of them would have been if Travis was lying about the door for some reason and he opened it and then didn’t say and caused this whole family to be killed for no reason) but it WAS open (what opened it? we have no fucking idea) and then the movie basically ends.

Why. Why make this movie at all? What is the point? I truly don’t understand and I’m mad. You want me to sit through an hour and thirty-one minutes of people trying to figure out a world, only to figure out nothing? Why? We don’t know anything about the disease, this family comes, they get killed, the son dies, the Grandpa died, the dog died, for us to not know anything? Is it supposed to be an expose on the human condition? By creating a false world then populating it with false choices and unnecessary death? I don’t CARE. The real world is awful enough??? Why did you need to make another one??

I’m having such a vitriolic reaction to this and I’m sure it’s for reasons outside the movie itself, but it seems pointless any way I slice it. I went to see this movie because The Weeknd tweeted about it. That is the truth. He tweeted, “watched “It Comes at Night” last night. beautifully disturbing.” earlier today and I was like, “Well I’m not gonna see Cars 3” and went. I feel like The Weeknd owes me ten dollars. HOw-why-what’s the point in choosing-is he just an unempathetic person? And needs to sit and get to know a character for 2 hours before he can feel for them and movies do that for him? I can cry at a commercial for toilet paper if they do it right. I also feel just generally terrible in my life between the President, myself, friends-why do you need to search out awfulness?? It makes no fucking sense. Movies are escapism, I truly cannot understand what person-and it’s not all horror movies. I used to think it was a pointless/base genre but then I saw some good ones and art horror and classic horror-things that explore a psychological construct or idea and make you think.

This type of movie doesn’t have anything to think about because they don’t give you enough-it was like The Strangers-you just drop someone in this terrible world for 2 hours then at the end it’s like, “That’s it!!! Just cause!!!” Fuck. Off.

I hated it obviously. I’m going to try to read some reviews because maybe there’s this huge thing I’m missing (I HOPE) and it wasn’t just a wasted experience I will never get back.

One out of four chemical apocalypse chickens, would not masturbate again.

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