Insecure

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So, I was living under a stupid rock and hadn’t seen ANY of this show until a few weeks ago. I watched some of Awkward Black Girl when it was on YouTube but it’s so different now!!!!

The first time I watched an episode was the last night I was in New Orleans with my friends Geoff and Mary-Devon who were kind enough to let me stay at their house. We got back from a mic and wanted to watch something and they’re all caught up so we watched the Cookout episode (Hella Open-Season 2 Episode 3) and I could tell it was good and I liked it but I didn’t get the full scope of everyone’s actions. I kinda didn’t like Lawrence bc he did seem like a fuckboi, and I kinda didn’t get other stuff- like why Issa’s wall was burnt & stuff. But I really enjoyed the episode.

Fast forward to 2 weeks later, I am staying with a different friend in a different city who is ALSO kind enough to have me, and they have a big tv in the room I am staying in with HBO Go. She and I start at the beginning and I watched everything in two days, but actually watched the latest episode with people last night then caught up today. So I was all out of order but WOW.

Number one I think this is the best show on TV right now and has been for a while- I can’t really think of something that comes out every week like this that has been this good. (I have never seen Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead which I know are very popular but they just don’t appeal to me!!! I’m sure I’ll watch them in 10 years and love them).

But, back to this wonderful cast. So, everything about this show is good, it’s well-written, well-acted, well-scored, etc. etc. I love how full each character is and how everyone interacts. I’m genuinely so mad at Issa for cheating on Lawrence and I get that she was feeling not good in their relationship but I think cheating on someone is so fucked up and hurts them immeasurably forever.

Also, as my friend Ariel pointed out, they DON’T TALK about anything in their relationship, what they’re feeling, doubts, frustrations, etc. After they fuck up they will but not before when it’s just thoughts and that’s so unhealthy and unsustainable.

I really hate Tasha because she was flirting with Lawrence when she knew he had a girlfriend and I think you need to respect other people’s relationships but I think she was right in what she said to him on the phone. I don’t think that’s true about Lawrence overall, but in that situation, that’s definitely what was happening. Both he and Issa keep assuming that other people are cool with them fucking and not getting attached (Tahsa, Daniel) then they do and it’s bad. When Daniel comes to PICK HER UP because she got in a car accident (after sexting someone else) and she has to like debrief that she fucks other people cause he hugged her too long?? I hated thatttt. I think they’re both being selfish (Issa and Lawrence) in how they’re handling their breakup because they’re trying to hook up with people (which is fine) but they’re also trying to keep the feeling of emotional intimacy they both lost when they lost each other but that’s not fair to ask of someone else if you’re not going to reciprocate, which of course, neither of them is being a few months out of a five year relationship.

It’s so MESSY. I liked when Derek told Lawrence it wasn’t all on Issa, I can’t believe that hadn’t come up/occurred to him before.

I’m glad Molly slept with Dro, I think realizing that there is no perfect relationship will ultimately be good for her but I know it was a huge blow. I’m routing for Molly but was VERY annoyed by the way she treated Jered. LIKE first of all, working at Enterprise is a good job and could have so many perks!!! Hotels and car hookups hello?? But also, what are you measuring your partner by? I know that status and job matters to people and I’m sure there’s a lot that’s different when a black woman is dating that she is considering that I am not, but Jered is so sweet and kind and they had fun together! I know the fact that he hooked up with a guy bothered her, but I wish she had brought THAT up in therapy (again, I know even going was a lot for her so that will take time) but damn, his smile is worth a good job!!! I love him.

Friends: I love Kelli, she is hilarious, she DOES always make everything a joke, but their friend group seems to need that. I LOVE that she got fingered under the table at the diner (named Swingers lol), I love that her weight is not the most important thing about her character/mentioned at all. She just goes out, looks good, has fun like everybody else and bless everyone for that.

Tiffany is annoying and a little stuck up to me, I can’t wait until we meet her character more/learn more about her. I think they hinted at stuff to come with dropping that Derek cheated on her, I think/hope we will learn more about that. What’s so interesting is that we’re getting one action (cheating) now set up to be seen through the lens of three different relationships (Issa and Lawrence, Molly’s parents, and Derek and Tiffany). All the characters have different allegiances to the different people in those relationships so it forces them to see a situation from more than one side, I think it’s brilliant.

I like Chad, I think he’s a good friend and I hope we learn more about him too. I like that they give him dimensions as well, it’s so refreshing to see black characters who seem like actual people, not just a white person’s idea of a culture/stereotypical & flat. Like, he encourages Lawrence to fuck a lot of women but also knows about recessed lighting. That’s a real person.

Ugh, I do want Lawrence and Issa to get back together but not if they don’t change the way they interact. She has to be able to TELL him she’s feeling attracted to her ex or that his lack of ambition/motivation in his own life drags her down a little bit when they are so intertwined. He also needs to be able to forgive her for cheating which is A LOT-how do you regain that trust?? Maybe they will talk to Molly’s parents about it.

Also how sex is portrayed on the show a lot of people have brought up on Twitter how there’s no condom use shown and Issa tweeted about it saying that it’s mostly implied (with pics of Lawrence reaching down under the blankets and close up of a condom wrapper on the nightstand) but that they’ll be better/more overt about it in the future so that’s cool. I was in a group where we were talking about the sex scene between Issa and Lawrence when he came to pick up his mail and BEFORE I saw it I was saying that women can get wet really quickly and it’s definitely possible, but after seeing it, the way it came out of NOWHERE and then was just happening, I kind of agree that there’s no way she could have been wet?? Maybe if she just got wet from seeing him after not for so long? But it was so emotionally tense, I can’t imagine that her body was like, “Yes, passion, we’re ready.”

Something that completely also threw me is why did they get rid of the couch because they spilled something on it?? It’s a couch??? I guess the implication is that she spills stuff all the time and it was just too far gone, but if you just bought that couch like 5 years ago wouldn’t you just recover it or something? Especially if only one of you has a job? Idk, if gas is 9 dollars a gallon (yes I SAW that) then I can’t imagine what they’re charging for couches out there?? But perhaps it was worth it to hear their neighbor say “bouch.”

There’s so many funny lines in this show, this show is so funny. I love Issa and Molly’s relationship-ooh and I LOVED how their fight was handled. So real how they both had pent up aggression and resentment to the other one for how they handled their own lives that all just came spilling out. I also liked the way it was resolved in the car ride however I will say, the way Issa called Molly the day after to ‘thank her for her donation’ and see if she was still mad was truly insane to me and painted her as an emotionally selfish/out of touch person and made me rethink her situation with Lawrence a little. Like, even if she was just pretending to try to get out of having an awkward conversation, to call someone who you had an all out fight with the night before where each of you insulted who the other one is as a person, and jokingly ask if they’re still mad at you is deranged.

I like Daniel !!! I wish that Issa did but for whatever reason she does not!! Like, I know he didn’t put in what you wanted him to in COLLEGE but he is a grown ass man now and he is and I don’t want him to just get thrown away again because I like him and think he is a good dude! Am I apologizing/siding too much with the men?? I’ll think about it.

Lawrence’s threesome was so interesting because it seemed like this thing that of course he was supposed to enjoy but the way it happened felt really gross and those girls seemed gross and they used him the way he was using Tasha and I think he wants women to be emotionally invested in him!! But also they seemed to sexualize black men in this way that was dehumanizing and that’s a lot to unpack when you’re inside of someone.

The way people Issa work with are portrayed is perfect, it reminded me of Kate Walsh in Girls Trip a little, so fucking tone deaf. It’s also both cathartic and frustrating to see her fantasy act outs of saying what she really wants to say to them, but can’t. I love Frieda as a character and the stuff she and Issa are going through at work. The dynamics of race and situational vs. systematic oppression and everyone’s part in that and who can call out who and all of it is good to see dissected.

And finally, Issa’s style is SO INTERESTING AND COOL the things she wears are truly inspirational to me–like how are you wearing a jean shirt as a dress to work? Or a t-shirt to an art gallery but you look fancy? And I love that she and Molly always switch their hair up, and show everyone constantly commenting on it and how annoying that is, like yes, black women can do cool shit with their hair. Let them be.

Basically this show is great and it’s made me have some really interesting conversations and I haven’t even read ANYTHING online yet so that’s gonna be great and yes.

5 out of 5 Broken Pussy’s, will masturbate again forever.

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Queen of the Damned

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Today felt like a good day to watch The Queen of the Damned for the first time. I’m moving to New York in four days, our President won’t take a hard stance against Nazis, rule of threes; so it feels right to watch Aaliyah’s first and last movie (do we count Romeo Must Die?) today.

The premise of this movie seems to be, “What if a member of the immortal undead started a Nu Metal band?” and it mostly is. Our protagonist, Lestat (Stuart Townsend???? This is a far cry from Robot Chicken, ok) was changed into a vampire but he really longs to be “known” so he finds a goth No Doubt and becomes their front man. They become famous and he is very open about how he is a vampire, which is a big no no in the vampire community (can you imagine the message boards?). Many of them decide to come to his big concert at Death Valley to dismember him, as you do.

While onstage at the concert fighting the vampires off (he beheads one of them in front of thousands of people in jenko’s, no one cares) Lestat is reminded of the very powerful friend he made, Queen Akasha (Aaliyah) who is like, the hot grandma of all the vampires, when she comes and murders all of them. She can kill other vampires with fire (also in the vampire club she pulls someone’s heart out and eats it!!) and once she does that to all of them, then she portals herself and Lestat into the sky.

I forgot to mention the white woman all of this is centered around, (lol isn’t there always?) Jesse, (Marguerite Moreau) who is in some sort of history vampire justice league to study them but she wants to be one? The other history guys don’t like that part and they try to forbid her, but she is really set on maybe dying. So she goes by herself to this vampire club, which for some reason she needs Sailor Moon buns to do (her outfits in this movie are VERY interesting), then of course she almost gets eaten because she is a human in a vampire bar, but Lestat saves her because she read his journals. Normally people don’t like but I guess when you’re immortal you don’t really care about invasions of privacy, and remember, he just wants to be “known!” Later Jesse gets chosen as one of the groupies to be eaten after one of his shows but when he sees it’s her they just have sexual tension on a balcony instead. She tries to convince Lestat to turn her into a vampire by cutting herself on the boob with a paperclip (girl) but he wants to show her the magnitude of her decision so he murders someone in the park in front of her to feed and is like, “Do you want it now??” and she’s like, “No jk” and leaves. That outfit by the way, was a plaid bondage dress with a choker and some platform boots and eye makeup that says, “I’m ready to be undead!” A lot of this fashion has come back around and is stylish again. For most of the movie Jesse just looked like she was headed to a Grimes show.

Something I forgot to mention: the man/vampire that turned Lestat was this guy Marius, who had a secret fire basement that Lestat found one night when he was playing violin too intensely. Once down there, (“there” looked a lot like the Chamber of Secrets in Harry Potter btw) he summoned Aaliyah from the dead by playing the violin and then drank her blood through the stone that she was. Did I mention she was stone? Yes, she was a marble statue that slowly came to life and had veins and was awoken by some fast violin. You guys know how stone is!!!!

So she’s alive again and she hates people!!! (Girl I get it!!!) After she and Lestat leave his concert by upwards tornado funnel they go to this mansion and have weird blood sex in a tub filled with rose petals (aww!) and then when he wakes up, the pool and surrounding beach are filled with corpses (aww ūüė¶ ). Her blood makes him able to walk in the light (but honestly I didn’t even notice that there was no sunlight in the movie prior to that scene which makes me think I’ve been doing too much stand up) and stronger.

Meanwhile Jesse has reconnected with her long lost Aunt who she assumed died, but guess what! She’s a vampire! They’re having a reunion/meeting with some other vampires when Aaliyah and Lestat crash it. Aaliyah is like, let’s kill all the humans and the others vampires are like Nah, so she decides to kill them first. Lestat tricks her by making out with her arm too long and weakens her and everyone else attacks and kills her. (Aaliyah is in this movie for 30 minutes I swear to God. She doesn’t come into it until 52 minutes, then dies around 1:32).

Before any of that though, Aaliyah made Lestat prove his love to her by killing Jesse. He did, but then after Queen Akasha dies he makes Jesse drink his blood and turn into a vampire. A little dark eye makeup later, she is immortal!! There is a cool time lapse shot of Jesse and Lestat walking towards Big Ben to let us know they stay together for all of eternity, and that this movie was supposed to be in London this whole time, even though no one had accents.

Some things: I have never seen a fat vampire. Fat vampires deserve representation!! Where are they?? Also, they had a classic in-movie MTV news update and I miss when that was a thing. Is MTV news still a thing? The only other movies I can remember using this as a way to show news are Josie and the Pussycats and Zoolander. So, that’s a pretty good record. This movie also made me look up a listicle of black vampires which was a good list. I think Blade is still my favorite (but I’ve never seen Blacula or True Blood or the Eddie Murphy one or the Grace Jones one, or any of the others really).

It’s insane how tiny Aaliyah is in this movie, also her costumes were unreal and it made me want to see Queen of the Damned cosplay or a burlesque act of someone as Queen Akasha (I really have been doing too much stand up). Most of the time she just had metal swirls covering her boobs and a long skirt and a headdress with more jewels than you would think would be there. She also does this thing where her eyebrows extend into her hairline? It sounds bad but it looks good, it’s like the most extreme cat eye.

I’ve talked about some specifically but the costumes in general in this movie were PHENOMENAL. Lestat especially has a cool vibe, he starts out as someone who would own a horse in the 1700’s and then goes to power goth, then a glam undertaker situation. The huge concert he does he is wearing this gauzy mesh shirt with ARM TIES which maybe I can’t describe and you should just look up but he looks like a sexy bread bag.

Ooh also lastly-Interview with the Vampire and Queen of the Damned are both Anne Rice novels- Queen of the Damned is the third one, but it’s the same main dude- I guess they just didn’t have Tom Cruise money for this one though.

I was surprised, the way people talk about this movie (or don’t talk about it am I right??) I was expecting it to be terrible but it wasn’t at all, I really liked it!! I am particularly partial to this type of movie, I don’t really know how to describe it but I know it when I see it. Blade is one, the club scenes in the Matrix are another, XXX might be? Maybe I just like fight scenes in night clubs and a blue/green filter on film. Who knows! But I did like it, I don’t think it’s bad. You want a bad movie, I tried to watch the BFG on Netflix before this and couldn’t finish it, that one was bad. This was fun. Maybe Aaliyah’s death put this pressure on it, because it wasn’t this amazing piece of art people felt like it wasn’t worth her death and it made the movie seem worse at the time? Couldn’t tell ya. Like I said–in 2017, I liked it.

3 out of 5 undead sailor moon buns, will definitely masturbate again!

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Girls Trip

Girls Trip (2017)

Wow. I mean , you’ve probably heard all the reviews by this time. (I was trying to save this until I packed/moved but I’m so happy I didn’t because if I had watched this movie that was set & filmed in New Orleans right after moving I would have bawled my eyes out).

Everything people are saying is true, this movie is really funny. That’s so hard to do. It’s so hard for a big budget, grand-scale, high expectations film to actually deliver. Look at Zoolander 2. I think it’s really really hard to try and predict what people will find funny on that scale-idk something about it is incredibly elusive to me. Writing is difficult and a skill!

Obviously Tiffany Haddish is the break out star of this movie. No one knew who she was, and not only did she hold her own on screen with some of the biggest actors in the world (Queen Latifah?? Jada Pinkett Smith?? Regina Hall??? Regina Hall might not be as big a name as the other two but I have loved Regina Hall since Scary Movie and she has been consistently working since then, her IMDB page has movies for every year since she started-except 2007!! What happened in 2007 Regina? Did you take time off to attend my high school graduation?) but Tiffany out shined all of them!! When they were filming this movie in New Orleans I got to know Tiffany because she would come out and do stand up shows. She really is that funny and she’s incredibly down to earth and kind. Anyway I have her phone number and she told me I need to ask for money when I perform and she was all around great. And beautiful. Ok.

I loved how varied the comedy was in this movie, it wasn’t just physical comedy or wordplay or character-y it was kind of a mix of everything which made each type surprising when you saw it. Like when the guy shows his dick, or both pee takes, it hadn’t been especially physical up to that point so it really felt shocking in a good way. Or when someone would slip in a joke/dig it would catch you off guard because a lot of the other dialogue surrounding it had been sincere. I liked that balance.¬†But don’t think this movie didn’t have heart too!!!!

Ok some basic plot: Regina King plays Ryan, the protagonist and a very successful lady. I’m not really sure what she does specifically, she seems like kind of a life guru. She has a book, does speaking engagements, impromptu cooking shows, and is in the middle of negotiations for a deal to turn all of that into a lifestyle brand for a store with some white lady named Bethany. (I truly loved how painful all the white women in this movie were, Kate Walsh especially, but we will get to her later). All of these endeavors revolve around the concept of “having it all” and lots of that focuses on/is validated by her marriage to Stewart Pierce (Mike Colter-Luke Cage!!). But as we find out through the Flossy Posse (the name for their friend group) he is cheating on her with an Instagram model named Simone. (Who kind of falls into the Tyler Perry dark-skinned-evil trope but ok). They have this whole dilemma of how to tell Ryan, and finally Dina (Tiffany) just blurts it out and we find out that Ryan KNOWS and they are “working through it” and that their marriage is kind of a business deal at this point.

You can tell the women are saddened by this compromise on her end, but they all want to have fun and they trust her with her judgement in her own life (except Dina) so they kind of defer to the reasons and decision she has made.

More fun stuff happens, they go out and drink and have fun, a lot of underlying tension lies between Ryan and Sasha (Queen Latifah). We don’t know why in the beginning but then it comes out that they endeavored to go into business together and Sasha kind of put it all on the line and Ryan bailed, to go into these other business opportunities with her husband and Sasha was forced to go into celebrity gossip online stuff which Ryan thinks is beneath her, but is also kind of her fault.

The reason they are in New Orleans at all, the reason for the trip is that Ryan is the keynote speaker at Essence and she has prepared her big speech. Later in the weekend, the pictures they all saw privately through Sasha’s sources, leak, and Ryan accuses Sasha for doing it on purpose for the money.

This triggers a HUGE fight between all four of them where everyone kind of airs the problems they have with everyone else, most hilariously, (of course) Dina who keeps stomping off and stomping back to give them things from her purse with explanations that are indignant in their confessions. “OH and I’ll give you back your credit card cause I don’t want you to accuse me of stealing it, and YES I maxed it out cause you got a low-ass limit,” etc.

Everyone sort of goes their separate ways. Ryan is prepared to give her speech explaining/lying about the pictures, securing the deal with Bethany, by reassuring the public that everything is great in her marriage and you really can “have it all.” But right after she begins the Flossy Posse all barges in in their embroidered denim jackets (that Lisa made earlier that they all rejected for being too ugly at the airport) and Ryan sees them and spills it all. She says, “there are some people that once you see them you have to be yourself because they know you better than that” something like that. Anyway, she says the truth, much to the dismay of the white women and gets a standing ovation from the crowd. After we find out that Bethany DOES still want to do the deal, but just with Ryan and everything works out.

I missed some parts- before this, Simone told Sasha she was pregnant and she was keeping it, Lisa had sex with one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever seen, Dina taught her the grapefruit technique (thank you Miss Angel!), all the girls tripped (lol) on Absinthe, there was a VERY passive aggressive live cooking segment about sausages, Dina dances onstage with P.Diddy, they get in a dance fight with Simone & friends in wigs, etc. etc. Throughout all this, there is a guy Julian (Larenz Tate) who they all knew in college from way back who is a successful musician now and is in town playing with Neyo. He rescues them from countless situations (gives them his hotel room, picks them up from the fight-I watched this with my friends Benjamin and Anthony and during this part Ben leaned in and said, “the most implausible part of this whole movie is that someone parked on Frenchmen”) and he and Ryan have a flirty thing but he clearly wants to keep his distance while she figures out her marriage stuff.

A note on Kate Walsh: She was so perfectly CRINGEWORTHY, it was great. She’s too entitled to black men’s bodies, she uses “slang” and says things like, “Have fun on your hashtag black girl magic weekend, girl! Preach.” It was so funny how awful she was and I thought showcased in how black women no matter how successful they are still have to put up with white bullshit (even/ESPECIALLY when it’s well-intentioned) and constantly navigate between two worlds.

This movie was really fun and I enjoyed most every minute of it (of which there were 122). I hope they do sequels forever, and that more black ensemble cast movies are funded, and that more black writers and directors are hired, and that slowly media representation catches up to the world we actually live in.

4/5 grapefruits, will for sure masturbate again!!

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Joe Rogan: Triggered

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I guess no one’s gonna be shocked that I didn’t like this special. The only person in the world I would watch Joe Rogan for is my brother who texted me, “Joe Rogan Triggered is perhaps the funniest thing I’ve seen since 2011” which is ironic because after watching it, I don’t think Joe Rogan has gone outside since 2011! Lots of stuff has happened since then Joe! So much stuff! !

Joe Rogan is like if a beer gained sentience and could love but also refused to understand gender. Some people might think it’s ironic to write a blog post about a special I didn’t like called “Triggered.” That’s probably why he named it that, because he thought it was a clever step ahead of online criticism. (I can tell he thinks he’s very clever!! Always a good sign for a comic!!) But if that’s the case, that pretty much encapsulates what was tiresome and boring about this special.

First of all, if that is the case (which I definitely believe it is) he’s misusing the word- it doesn’t mean you don’t like something or you were angry, it means there is a stimulus that aggravates a pre-existing set of conditions, social or physical, that you have. I wasn’t triggered by this special. I didn’t like this special. The fact that he preemptively uses the word incorrectly to anticipate other people’s problem with it- is exactly who he is onstage the majority of the time.

He literally tries to argue that he’s not sexist (spoiler alert, he definitely is!!) by saying his favorite people are women. In a bit where he keeps repeating over and over “Women can’t do strong physical labor jobs, they just can’t” he says, “and I know some of you are thinking that’s sexist. Well it isn’t. I can’t be sexist because my favorite people are women. My wife and my two daughters, those are my favorite people in the world. But I could beat the shit out of them.” The joke there about beating his family doesn’t bother me, but the notion that he can’t be sexist because he loves some/three women is false premise/he doesn’t understand what sexism is. It’s pretty clear he thinks it just means you hate all women. He goes on to say a bunch of other wrong things about sex and gender (I’m saying wrong because there’s just objective markers we have to acknowledge outside of opinion which is YES everyone’s OWN).

All his stuff about gender was very wrong, but it’s also probably not his wheelhouse, so we’re not allowed to judge him on that, right? (Isn’t it interesting how women always have to make room in their perspectives for men’s emotional exceptionalism but that is somehow never reciprocal or returned? Lol, just a fun observation from my 28 years on this Earth!) He did have interesting ideas, but then he drives them to a tired backwards point. He feels like the smartest dumb person that exists. He’s at the exact edge between enlightenment & stupidity and he keeps trying to make a bridge with his words to get to the other side but instead his words are vines keeping him where he is. Not that not understanding trans identity is being stupid, but I think being so assured of yourself when you have the knowledge that so much is unknown (which he reiterates again and again in reference to OTHER’S beliefs) is stupid.

He likens his ‘manhood’ (which first of all, gross, I haven’t use someone use that word in sincerity since some twenty year olds playing teenagers in She’s All That made a bet about their virginities but ok Joe) to a “tower of marbles” and living with his wife and two daughters as “chipping away at it” and goes on to clarify that each action they do is like taking two marbles, which “isn’t enough to balk at, but then you don’t have any left.” He then ties it all together by saying, “You find a man who could live with the Kardashians for all those years and not come out a chick.” So he is very clearly laying out his belief that being transgender is what happens because you’re around too many women. (I say very clearly because I know there’s SOMEONE in the universe who’s going to dig their heels in the sand and say, “he doesn’t believe that, it’s a joke!!!” There’s no joke here- just a misinformed belief about identity and gender).

There were two lines I liked specifically: “You’re in a box with rapists and murderers and the worst they can do to you is leave you alone” that’s Joe talking about solitary confinement, which is a really interesting perspective, and at one point he said, “I look like a thumb with two other thumbs” and that was funny to me.

After talking to my brother I have a slightly different perspective which is: don’t condemn the special for what it’s not, or write it off as unhelpful to all because it is unhelpful to me, but I do still think that most of the jokes are predicated on an idea that is inherently harmful to some populations and it wasn’t funny enough to outbalance that for me. Whereas in say, Dave Chappelle’s special (the first in that run he just put out on Netflix) where he clearly has similar feelings, it was. Mostly I just wished the men in all our lives listened to us and saw our nuance the same way they see their own and expect us to see their own.

But also, fuck Joe Rogan!!! Which I am allowed to say and feel !!!

Look, after talking about this with a couple of people, Joe Rogan seems to be the hill many men are willing to die on. So many men connect with him because he’s both masculine AND intellectual in a way they haven’t seen/experienced before and that is new to them and it makes them feel protective of him (sometimes because they assume that’s what people have issue with because that’s what’s new to them). BUT this is why gender norms are harmful for fucking everyone and not just a “women’s issue” (kill me) because there exist men who are both those things who also aren’t sexist and transphobic and whatever else he is under that button down, there just aren’t nuanced portrayals of masculinity in culture for them to see it.

Also Jesus Christ, if another man tries to show me Joe Rogan’s ‘light’ and ask me continuous questions trying to get me to acknowledge that’s SOME parts are good, not ALL of the special is bad-yeah he is KIND of sexist but SOME of these thoughts are interesting and why don’t you care about THAT-because I fucking don’t. I don’t need to make allowances for people I don’t think are funny, and also harmful. Is he the worst comic working? Not by a long shot. Does that mean I like him? No. Do I owe him anything like respect? No. If he’s your fucking hero, you talk about him. I don’t need to protect him from anything, especially my opinion, especially when his whole set is attacking other people who are different from him, who he doesn’t understand.

Fin. Thank you Joe Rogan for ruining this night, but also for triggering (!!!!!!!!!!! see what I did there) an interesting conversation with my brother. 1 out of 5 weed dolphins, wouldn’t masturbate again.

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Bad Moms

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In a shocking turn of events, this movie that looked like a vehicle for white wine with the tag, “Party like a mother,” is well-written and funny. When is the last time you saw a comedy that you were like, “the writing in this is interesting and intelligent?” Never/Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping.

The movie follows Mila Kunis as Amy Mitchell, a mom who can’t catch or give herself a break! She has a bowl of Apple Jacks for a husband (is that the douchiest sounding cereal? I think so) who ends up cheating on her online. (Which is still cheating!!! They have a back and forth about this in the movie and he’s like, “I never actually did anything” and it’s like, bro how dented is your moral compass to not understand it’s still wrong to mutually masturbate with someone else online while you keep it from your partner?)

Amy has 2 kids, a boy (who looks exactly like Gordo from Lizzie McGuire) who is a slacker and a daughter who is very concerned about what extracurriculars will get her into an Ivy League college even though she’s twelve. Amy does everything for her kids (even their homework sometimes which I also think is unethical but she stops eventually) on a quest to be a “good mom.” She, and most other parents, are tyrannized by the witchy (and not the cool kind of witchy, the bad kind) head of the PTA Gwendolyn Harris played by Christina Applegate. IMDB has made the interesting choice of not including last names of characters on the movie’s page despite them being in the movie so I’m just guessing on some of these.

So, when Amy kicks her husband out for cybering some woman with a huge bush (that is exactly how she is referenced in the movie) she starts deciding she has to prioritize herself. She scales back on her “cool coffee job” (a start up run by Clark Duke who I like so much. Hot Tub Time Machine 4evr), stops making breakfast for her kids, and quits the PTA in a fiery blaze then goes to a bar to drink. #Relatable.

At the bar she meets Carla, played by Kathryn Hahn. Kathryn Hahn is such a talented comedic actress and just talented in general. I love her. She was one of the only good parts of The Visit and she’s so funny in Parks & Rec and she’s underused in everything else but I hope she’s coming into a personal Renaissance (a Hahn Dynasty if you will!!). In this she plays a single mom who is DTF mostly everything and who loves her son to pieces even though she thinks he is stupid and “would rather go to Afghanistan than another baseball game.” She’s definitely the “FUCK THAT” element of the group, often facilitating big movements and pushing the other women to do things they should and want to do. There’s also a scene where Amy and Kiki call her to ask if she wants to go to a movie in the middle of the day and she’s already there and I respect that immensely.

At the bar she also meets Kiki (Kristen Bell) who follows her there after the PTA kerfuffle to tell Amy she’s impressed by what she did. Kiki is a stay at home mom who is very sheltered and meek and gets called “bitch” a lot by her kids (one time, but that’s still a lot). Her husband seems like the worst, very controlling and has a “isn’t that your job?” attitude towards parenting and gender in general. She starts wearing lipstick towards the end of the movie and it’s fun for everyone.

The women all drink dark liquor and go on a particularly rowdy trip to the supermarket together and I know that sounds lame but it’s shot in slow motion and is actually really wonderful. At one point (in slow motion) they’re making an alcoholic milkshake in the aisle and a security guard starts running towards them but then Kathryn Hahn charges him and he turns around midway and runs into a La Croix display and it’s an A+.

Gwendolyn has it out for Amy because the PTA is a dictatorship and she can’t have any insubordination, so she goes after Amy through her kids. Mainly her daughter because women are always targets but also because you can’t really “get” someone who doesn’t care about anything, which is kind of her son’s whole personality. So first Gwendolyn forces the soccer coach to bench Jane (which, I know this is a fictional character- but can’t we retire some names the way sports teams retire some jersey numbers? I think ‘Jane’ could take a few years off) then later plants drugs in her locker which I think we can all agree is too much. Amy decides she wants to run for head of the PTA to shorten Gwendolyn’s leash and invites women to her house for a get together to discuss. There are fliers. Gwendolyn throws a competing party with Martha Stewart and meatballs. The four women at Amy’s house (one woman came because Carla said she would have sex with her husband if she didn’t) start drinking and playing that game where you hold your phone against your head and try to guess the word through clues. Everyone (even Martha Stewart) ends up coming over to Amy’s because you can’t keep free white wine a secret and it’s a success. Amy even ends up fucking the hot widower afterwards that is inevitably in this movie.

I don’t really feel like going through every plot point, one of the things I liked about the movie was how quickly it moved, stuff just happens and they get to the next thing and each scene is funny and good and moves the plot forward. I liked that after she decides to divorce her husband (after seeing couples counselor WANDA SYKES!!!!!!!!) they honor the complications/nuance of their relationship/the situation and share a hug. Too many times in these movies the women leave their husbands (or vice versa) and it’s a completely easy decision! Which it never is! Someone can be a mean idiot and you still love them and it’s still hard to break up the life you’ve spent the past however many years creating. I liked that they hugged and had that moment.¬†

In the end Amy does get elected as head of the PTA after giving a speech. If in a movie you don’t know if your speech is going well, just wait and see if people start standing up and giving personal anecdotes full of humor and heart to address your points at the end. If they are, it is!! Lots of loose ends get wrapped up, her kids apologize for being assholes and Amy has a heart to heart with Gwendolyn who’s crying in her car and it’s so funny. Gwendolyn starts spilling all the things that are really going on at home and they’re all terrible and big except through tears with the same intensity she goes, “And my DVR just stopped recording Castle. How does that even happen???” and breaks down sobbing and it’s so funnyyyy. Christina Applegate is ALSO a wonderful comedic actress. It’s almost as if women are really funny? Like so many of them?? An undeniable amount???

There were so many lines in this that made me laugh out loud and happy to be watching which, let me reiterate again, doesn’t happen very often!

The takeaway from this movie seemed to be, “Don’t judge moms because it’s harder than you know and no one knows what they’re doing and just let everyone do their best” and that seems like a good message. There were things in this movie that the moms said that i had never thought of or heard that made sense- like Mila Kunis said she felt like the worst mom in the world at least once a day and that seems like something that people feel. Also she said in her end of movie speech that what works for her daughter rarely works for her son and that’s interesting I never thought about that-needing balance within one home for two kids. That’s valuable perspective to have! Hi mom!

At the end of the movie there were interviews with all the actors and their moms and it was so cute!! I watched Rush Hour 2 yesterday and I’m really a huge fan of these compilations that play during the credits with real scenes or bloopers or whatever.

It’s just really good, everyone should see it. 4 out of 5 store bought holes, (I just realized I never talked about this part but during the bake sale where no one can have items with gluten, nuts, white sugar, etc. etc. all these things, Amy just brings doughnut holes from a grocery store and Gwendolyn comes up livid and one of her minions says, “You can’t just bring store bought holes” and I liked it) would/will masturbate again.

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Sarah Silverman: A Speck of Dust

SarahSilverman_Netflix

!!!! Man, this woman. (Man, I feel like a woman!). I love Sarah Silverman. She is so funny and she has been for so long and the only thing I like about Jimmy Kimmel is that he has to be a good person if he dated her, that’s honestly the only thing keeping me from writing him off completely because I don’t forget The Man Show and I know that probably wasn’t mostly his doing and he was just taking an opportunity but it’s still content that was put out in the world and no amount of videos of parents eating their kids candy is going to change that. Anyway.

This special starts incredibly strong and I made a very enthusiastic snapstory endorsing it, and then it kind of trailed off in the middle a little bit, less punchy and she was playing with structure in a way that didn’t always work out for me (kept interrupting herself to say, “put a pin in that” or explaining a type of joke, or “doubling back” but didn’t always come back or have a payoff worth the interruption so then I lost a little trust the next time she did it) and I would say the second half was much more story-telling than jokes? Like she would take a while to explain something and then there wouldn’t be enough at the end to balance out (in my opinion). Most notably she did this act out about TV shows and how they’re shot and she explained a lot and crouched down and used people’s real names, it was a whole thing, then didn’t have a greater realization at the end as a button, just explained, “so that’s how they do that” for these particular shots in TV. And that was a little disappointing. And she brought a legal pad onstage which I can only assume was a set list which I don’t think I’ve seen anyone do for a special! So that was kind of shocking, but also it wasn’t very distracting, she didn’t look at it that much.

She also didn’t take the mic out of the stand until 40 minutes in- which I didn’t notice until she did it and I was like, ‘oh she hasn’t done that yet.’ There was a rape joke that I didn’t know if it was worth it (the rape kit after sex one, not the one about her sister) but she always jokes about “taboo” things in a tongue and cheek way and it didn’t seem reckless or unconsidered or anything, it just wasn’t the hardest hit for me personally.

She tells a “story” at the end (which kind of felt how when I have a bunch of ideas on one topic but I haven’t figured out how to link them all together yet, or made them all successful individual jokes yet) about how she almost died. She had an abscess on her windpipe and they had to remove it and it was a dangerous surgery and she was telling the audience about this video her friend recorded, and then after the special while the credits were playing, they showed it and somehow that was my favorite part (almost) it’s really endearing and touching in this odd way.

She talks about her family really in depth in a way I can’t remember her doing in other specials, with this level of specificity that doesn’t make everyone look good, including herself, and that was interesting to me, I like to think about how maybe people’s rules for what she can say about them onstage have evolved throughout the years.

She has such a range, she’s not afraid of any topic even if it’s intense or dark and by not afraid I don’t just mean not afraid to makes jokes about it, I mean not afraid to just talk about it for what feels like minutes on end before the joke, just living in it- that happens with rape, with abortion, with having hooks for hands, you know, things that affect all women. It kind of felt like she’s so funny she’s not scared to not be funny if that makes sense. Like when I do stand up for something important I want jokes to fill every possible second so there’s no doubt that I’m funny but you can see she doesn’t need the audience to validate her so she’s just talking about what she wants to talk about in the way that she wants to talk about it.

There was a weird editing glow, it kind of looked like there was a haze over her face? Or that the special was one long glamour shot? Which was odd, I wonder if that was an editing choice to make her look younger? Or just the filter on the lights? It was a little distracting only because it was so obviously tampered with in some way.

At the end she does this audience participation part where she brings a self-identified religious guy down to the front of the stage (Troy) and asks him if he would let God come in his mouth (he says no) and harkens it back to God asking Abraham to kill his first born son (“Chip”) and he would but most guys wouldn’t let God come in their mouths and that’s so funny to me, to juxtapose people’s hang ups about masculinity with their required religious blind faith. I don’t think she specifically asked for a man (I’d have to go back and look) I think she just asked for an audience member who is religious, the joke doesn’t hinge on it being a hang up with masculinity, I think people have sexual hang ups in general especially people who are raised religious, it was just an added layer for me because lots of men really reject anything that seems “gay” or emasculating about sex (like having things put in their ass even though that’s where their prostate/bundle of nerves is) so I enjoyed that.

Overall I really enjoyed it! Laughed out loud way more times than I normally do watching stand up. Her delivery is so composed, I can never tell what was planned and what wasn’t. There was an instance that seemed like a misspeak where she traded “NPR” for “NRA” but then followed it with, “completely different tote bags” which is so funny it made me think she included it just for that?? But could she have just thought of that then?? I mean ostensibly she could have, when you see the video of her drugged up and going to surgery at the end you see how smart she is, she’s explaining Brexit and laying out a neutral media plan for nationwide happiness. It was great. Also apparently whenever she and her boyfriend are parting they’ll go, “I think we should see other people” which is true love to me. Oh! I just remembered another part she never quite tied up she had this whole bit about how movies are ruining our concept of love that I was really investing in/following that she dipped out of for a second to indulge a quick pun then never went back to. And I was sad about that.

Anyway, I could write a million more things about this but I’m late for a show!!! Time flies when you’re remembering jokes about anal sex huh??? Anyway, 4.3/5 hooks for hands, would masturbate again.

Oh P.S. I really like the name of the special and the thought that’s behind it that isn’t even a joke just seemed like something she wanted to say and get across!! Cool. And the part about squirrels was really funny too!!

 

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It Comes At Night

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I just paid ten dollars to see this and I’m angry. Why. Why do people pay money to make themselves feel bad? I don’t understand this type of movie at all. Pointlessly bad. If you want to feel terrible just read a newspaper, pay attention to the world. It’s bad! I don’t understand the point of hiring a bunch of actors to film a script that has no fucking purpose- why create a world?? Ok I’m getting ahead of myself. Plot:

This movie takes place in a world where there is some unexplained disease that no one knows anything about that is transmitted through air or contact, we don’t fucking know, and so people moved out of the cities to escape it and now they live in the woods. Joel Edgerton and his wife and son (Carmen Ejogo and Kelvin Harrison Jr.) (and I just found out the director and writer are the same person, so great this was his *vision* ugh) live in a boarded up house where they just eat food and survive. Then one night someone tries to break into the house (this is after the Grandpa gets sick and has to be shot in the head then set on fire and buried- how did he get sick? We don’t fucking know. Why can’t the dog get sick? It doesn’t wear a gas mask. WHO KNOWS) and Joel ties him to a tree and he’s trying to figure out if he can trust him and the guy is just trying to get water for his family blah blah blah. Sarah (Joel’s wife) decides they should get the family and bring them back instead of bartering for food because they already know where they live, then they’ll have more people to guard the house, etc.

They bring them back, they have a young son, Andrew, and everyone seems to be co-existing fine. Travis who is 17 keeps having disease nightmares where his Grandpa vomits black blood on him and is just generally off-putting looking, he also has a sexual dream about Kim, the young mother who just moved in where she mounts him and then also vomits black blood on him. He always wakes up from these and honestly I’M sick of this device in horror (and all) movies, where they show a crazy scene then GUESS WHAT it was a dream!!!! You lazy piece of shit- why don’t you write a plot that’s actually good instead of showing things that aren’t happening and being like, “Just kidding!!! That’s not real!!!” like 5 different times in the movie. It happened like 5 different times.

Then one night Travis gets up and sees the door (the RED door because of cheap SYMBOLISM) that’s never opened, OPENED and he wakes everyone up then they have a meeting in the middle of the night and Travis swears he didn’t open the door, and maybe Andrew opened the door, because he was out of bed when Travis got up and found him, then they’re interrogating the little boy but he can’t remember anything because he was asleep and seven, so they all decide to spend some “time apart” in the quarantined house they all live in together, so they take rations of food and water to their respective rooms and lock themselves in.

Then Travis worries that Andrew is sick and he touched him, and he has another “dream” (fuck you!) where he is sick, but then he wakes up. He eavesdrops on the other family (he also was always creeping around listening to people, it was weird to me, I think he was supposed to come off a little weird) and he hears Andrew crying and Will and Kim (the parents) saying they’re going to leave. He wakes his mom and dad up & tell them, then they’re worried they’re going to take more of the food than they should so they get gas masks and guns to confront them.

Now, up til this point there’s been a lot of discussion of who can we trust, Joel has told Travis you only trust family, also there was a slip up it seemed when Will mentioned he was an only child but earlier he said they were staying with his brother. When Joel asked him, he corrected it was his brother-in-law but that he “felt like a brother.” A little suspicious. And again when Joel goes to the door and asks to come in, they’re acting suspicious & not letting him in (which makes it seem like they’re hiding something) but also they probably feel the exact same way-you can only trust family-and are being cautious. The situation escalates, as it always seems to when there are guns and you’re living in an apocalyptic world, and it kind of turns into a stand off and Joel gets Will’s gun from him (that he had been hiding this whole time) because Sarah was in the hall with a gun. He pistol whips Will and puts them in the corner (insert Dirty Dancing reference here) with Kim and Andrew. Then they’re leading them outside and Will pretends he’s weaker than he is and manages to get the drop on Joel (whose name in this is Paul but who cares it might as well be fucking Joel) and starts beating him in the head with the butt of a gun so Sarah shoots him, then Kim and Andrew run into the woods and Joel shoots at them and kills Andrew. Kim is screaming “you killed my son!” for about a minute, then he kills her too.

Travis has come out at this point and sees the whole thing. Then Travis gets sick and dies. Then there’s a flashback of him walking to the door that’s open (there are so many things that could have saved this for me and one of them would have been if Travis was lying about the door for some reason and he opened it and then didn’t say and caused this whole family to be killed for no reason) but it WAS open (what opened it? we have no fucking idea) and then the movie basically ends.

Why. Why make this movie at all? What is the point? I truly don’t understand and I’m mad. You want me to sit through an hour and thirty-one minutes of people trying to figure out a world, only to figure out nothing? Why? We don’t know anything about the disease, this family comes, they get killed, the son dies, the Grandpa died, the dog died, for us to not know anything? Is it supposed to be an expose on the human condition? By creating a false world then populating it with false choices and unnecessary death? I don’t CARE. The real world is awful enough??? Why did you need to make another one??

I’m having such a vitriolic reaction to this and I’m sure it’s for reasons outside the movie itself, but it seems pointless any way I slice it. I went to see this movie because The Weeknd tweeted about it. That is the truth. He tweeted, “watched “It Comes at Night” last night. beautifully disturbing.” earlier today and I was like, “Well I’m not gonna see Cars 3” and went. I feel like The Weeknd owes me ten dollars. HOw-why-what’s the point in choosing-is he just an unempathetic person? And needs to sit and get to know a character for 2 hours before he can feel for them and movies do that for him? I can cry at a commercial for toilet paper if they do it right. I also feel just generally terrible in my life between the President, myself, friends-why do you need to search out awfulness?? It makes no fucking sense. Movies are escapism, I truly cannot understand what person-and it’s not all horror movies. I used to think it was a pointless/base genre but then I saw some good ones and art horror and classic horror-things that explore a psychological construct or idea and make you think.

This type of movie doesn’t have anything to think about because they don’t give you enough-it was like The Strangers-you just drop someone in this terrible world for 2 hours then at the end it’s like, “That’s it!!! Just cause!!!” Fuck. Off.

I hated it obviously. I’m going to try to read some reviews because maybe there’s this huge thing I’m missing (I HOPE) and it wasn’t just a wasted experience I will never get back.

One out of four chemical apocalypse chickens, would not masturbate again.

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Riverdale

riverdale

God bless TV. Let me start out by saying I was AGAINST this reboot conceptually from the start. Fundamentally even. I thought it was stupid, unnecessary, bandwagoning, and unoriginal. To take characters whose whole being revolved around eating hamburgers and singing songs at pep rallies, then make them fuck each other and deal with murder? I read these comics as a little kid-like stacks and stacks and stacks of these comics and I was PISSED someone was just giving ’em the ole Christopher Nolan treatment to make them edgy-I was so mad. Then I watched the show.

And wowowow do I love it. I love it! At first I didn’t get why they wouldn’t just create a new series, why take these specific characters and turn them upside down? I thought it was lazy and uncreative and trying to capitalize off a fandom so you have a built in audience rather than creating something new and worthwhile, but then maybe in the third or so episode they had a line about the town and what happens to something so pure when something like this (the murder of Jason Blossom) happens to it- then later Jughead in his explanation of his fascination with the case reiterates, it’s a fundamental study of the elements and what happens when you drop chaos or darkness into something so pure. THAT angle is interesting to me- they’re examining what makes Riverdale Riverdale and what happens when you change that, what does it become?

Spoilers abound so stop reading if you haven’t seen it and want to: I really liked what they did with this season, the gunshot at the end I’m hella curious about if Archie’s dad dies or is just wounded.

Some thoughts: This seems to be another teen drama where the parents are no help/are constantly in the way and you have a group of high school kids literally solving murders and protecting each other and figuring out money issues and everything on their own. Betty’s mom specifically is an emotional roadblock-she seems to go on a journey from fucking evil, to I can act this way because of my troubled past, to uncaring bitch, to I guess I’ll be your mom again. It stresses me out. All the parents kind of suck. Veronica’s mom goes back and forth between spineless and conniving, Jughead’s dad (Skeet Ulrich???) wants to protect him by doing the worst thing for him?, Archie’s dad seems mostly good but has lapses. I was shocked by the Molly Ringwald reveal- then it made me wonder what other redheaded celebrities are they storing up? Also very curious about who Jughead’s mom and Jellybean are going to be-and Betty’s secret brother, these are all pots on the stove we have going.

As someone who loves the O.C and Gossip Girl I am worried they’re just gonna spiral through all the love triangles and teen crime tropes we all know and it’ll just be the same tall tale but with new faces- but I do think the crime/mystery element sets it apart and I hope they do a more intricate plot that has a payoff. Like I hope Polly is still in the picture and all the “clues” we have been given add up to be something, not just red herrings (lol) for in-episode suspense arcs that just get discarded.

Personal investments: I like Betty and Jughead together, I am fucking LIVING for Betty’s breakdown when she embraces this dark part of herself and loses control and Jughead and Veronica and her family try to save her but in the end it’s only Archie that can bring her back. I feel that coming and I’m really ready for it. I like Archie and Veronica together OKAY, I wish it had worked out with Val although they never really gave her a chance as girlfriend potentials go. Cheryl is someone I’m really routing for- I was so pissed that right after she tried to kill herself everyone just WENT to the Jubilee. Stay with her!! Brush her hair!! Don’t just leave her by an ominous fire!! Cheryl also has the best outfits and that makes me like her character more.

I like that there is a gay relationship that is forbidden for other reasons besides their sexuality, everyone’s like, “We don’t care that you’re gay, he’s in a biker gang and implicated in a murder cover-up and you’re the Sheriff’s son!! That’s why your love is forbidden, not cause of a misinterpretation of the Bible, DUH” very 2017 of them. Archie is so hot I can’t handle it most of the time (isn’t it cool how his scar between his eyes makes him relatable??), but it was so annoying when he was sleeping with Ms. Grundy and normally I like that!! I look for that porn!! But this was so boring and annoying-I did not like her at all and their “relationship” was annoying to me. She has a gun? She’s not really her identity? Who cares? And again I hope she comes back into the picture somehow and that’s explained, it wasn’t just a thing they created and got rid of for no reason. Same with the incest plotline- are the babies gonna be fucked up? Is their hair going to be purple? I hope this is all explored more.

A side note just for me and maybe 10 other people on the planet: there are TWO count’em TWO characters from Dark Angel in here and it makes my heart sing to see them again and together!!! Martin Cummins as Sheriff Keller and Peter Bryant as Principal Weatherbee (who was very rotund and white in the comics).

Some of the thematic touchstones I’ve appreciated, lots of teenage girls come together to tell everyone that slut-shaming is wrong and that’s tight, there’s also been a few times where Josie (Ashleigh Murray) has to tell Archie about racism and remind him that the band is black women for a reason and what that means/why they wouldn’t want their songs written by a white dude. I also liked when Betty’s mom tried to instigate some internalized sexism jealousy shit with Archie’s mom and Hermione Lodge in the bathroom and Molly Ringwald was like, “I’m having fun with both of my dates and I left and Fred is a big boy and he can do whatever he wants” it was a very You Go Girl moment for me, and all women everywhere.

Veronica’s character seems a little bland to me- I’m happy she’s not a straight bitch like she was in the comics and I feel like she explained that- she was at her old school but then she “learned” and “isn’t a bitch” now. I really liked that scene where she and Cheryl did the dance off for the Vixen’s spot- and I was interested when she joined the Pussycats for one minute- I want her to do something, not just wear a pea coat and bring lattes everywhere. (Also there must be some sort of trench coat store in this dang town, everyone has at least three different trench coats, all perfect and tailored and interesting-except Archie and his dad they did not get this noir memo).

Jughead gives too many speeches about how troubled and ¬†“not like everyone else” he is for me, show don’t tell dude. And personally I think Archie’s dad didn’t want Jughead to stay with them, I think he could have stayed with them-people with DUI’s raise kids. Foster care is probably a lot stricter than I know but that seemed like bullshit.

I do like Betty and Jughead together, it makes sense, (the darkness) but I want Betty and Archie to be together too!! Also if we’re judging by sex scenes (and why the heck wouldn’t we) Archie and Veronica’s was lame as hell and very much like a homeschooled kid’s curriculum- No Chemistry. (Thank you, thank you). MEANWHILE Betty and Jughead’s was great before it got interrupted by that impromptu leather jacket ceremony. Also how cute was it at his new school when Jughead was laughing with all those other kids that like plaid?? He kinda seems to hate their school, maybe he would like South Side. Also who is this foster family?? Why do children need guardians?? I just want Jughead to live in his dad’s trailer with the Serpents bringing him classic movies on dvd when he needs them and killing anyone who tries to hurt him. A final Jughead thought: the way they made his signature hat a beanie is slick but also he was asexual in the comics and I wish there was an asexual character on the show I feel like teens could benefit from knowing what that is.

Not excited at ALL for Hiram Lodge’s return, I’d rather have more Ethel- also when I was on the IMDB page I accidentally saw who plays him- Mark Consuelos???? Which is very weird to me. Almost as weird as when Veronica’s mom says, “Mija” exactly one time each episode to remind us that she’s not white but never enough to actually introduce bilingualism to network TV.

Cheryl’s mom is weird as hell she hasn’t been given any depth yet, except a glimpse of it maybe when Archie handed her Jason’s jacket at the funeral, but it could have just been surprise/thinking he was onto some secret. Also how many letterman jackets does a kid on a football team get?? There was one Archie gave to her, the one with the flash drive, I thought he was buried in one but I’m probably wrong- but I’m just waiting for Polly to pull one out of somewhere. Maybe she’ll give birth to one.

Betty (Lili Reinherdt) is so beautiful I can’t look at her- but that black wig was terrible. I hope when she spirals they give her a better vamp look, one that works better with her skin tone. I can see her in a lot of smudged metallic makeup (bronze Betty!!) and dark blues and purples and lots of thigh high things. I really want her and Cheryl to team up and take over the town with witch feminism fueled by maple syrup and journalism but I know that’s a long shot. But IMAGINE the outfits if Cheryl was influencing her and paying for them, it’s too much for my heart.

I could keep writing these little half conjectures forever but we mostly get the point. I’m annoyed by lots of the parents, some of the love triangles, and I’m holding out hope for structural continuity in the show as a whole but I’ve been burned before. Overall though, a very strong opening for a show, I really can’t wait to see where it goes and what they do with these characters, and the two mysteries we have for the upcoming season: who’s distributing the Blossom drugs in Riverdale/who shot Fred Andrews and why.

Oohh also I forgot- I need the music to be better- if everyone says Archie’s a musical genius I’m gonna need more than a three chord hook and some lyrics about friendship, that Jubilee song was very disappointing and I think they knew which is why they kept cutting away from it. Apparently the actor who plays Archie (K.J Apa who is from New Zealand of all places) recorded a solo guitar album when he was 14 (also he’s Samoan and not a real redhead!!!!!) so I’m gonna need to hear that.¬†

ANYWAY, 4 out of 5 Pop’s milkshakes (is Pop’s ok????) would CERTAINLY masturbate again.

 

 

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Wonder Woman

wonder woman

A mad cap romp! I feel like people say that a lot, I’m not 100% sure what it means, but it seems pretty fitting here. This movie is everywhere recently- people saying it’s empowering, people saying it’s overrated, people saying it’s Zionist- everyone has an opinion!! Which is exactly what it feels like to be a woman!

Did I cry multiple times during this movie? Yes. Did I want to? No. Do I think it’s a feminist victory? Kind of? Not really?

Things I liked: An island with only women all of whom are warriors? Hell yea. A woman saving the world and killing a God? All about it.

Other stuff: Eh, some of it was annoying to me? Like, (and I know there’s this whole “that was the time” explanation but there’s also nuance all the time and you can have representation too) So-when she wants to go to war and they detour to take her shopping first. That was annoying. This trope of a bright-eyed, beautiful, idiot who needs to be led around all the time. I know she’s not an idiot but by placing her in a world she didn’t know she ended up deferring to a lot of her companions for knowledge and direction, etc. All of whom were men. Also she didn’t need to be that clueless? It felt male gaze-ish. Kind of like how on an island only of women they for some reason still chose to wear short skirts to fight and train in instead of pants? Obviously women can wear whatever they want and maybe I would wear thigh high slits in all my skirts and leather bustiers if I wasn’t worried about being raped all the time too, but it seems like it would be easier to move/better protection to have flexible durable pants rather than floor length skirts made of slitted metallic hides? And everyone’s wearing wedge sandals the whole time? Even in battle? And was their currency fishtail braids?

I guess I just wish she hadn’t been looking around wide-eyed at men for 2/3rds of the movie. I wish she had fought more (the fighting was AWESOME a lot of women flipping through the air, doing backbends off horses, and shooting three arrows at once), or figured more stuff out, or even spoke more. She doesn’t speak for a lot of the scenes in the movie which was kind of frustrating.

Continuing the¬†representation thread, in the Greek myth origins thing her mom told her that was about Zeus/God making man in his image, blah, blah there were NO¬†black or brown people in it. Not one! And we know they were there!! It’s white-washing to try and portray it otherwise,¬†which is annoying, irresponsible and wrong. You can look up¬†all of this, and you should. People have the internet now they should know better!

But again, did I cry? Like 4 different times. There’s a cool scene where she catapults into a sniper tower and blows it up with her legs? It’s awesome. The war stuff was also a little confusing to me- I guess not confusing but I needed to let myself forget history and be immersed in this world where World War I ended because a woman did enough fire backflips a Greek God died.

Usually I start with plot- I guess I should have done that earlier: Gal Gadot is a clay child her mother and Zeus made so that when Aries comes back to destroy the Amazons (and the world) there would be someone powerful enough to kill him. She lives with her mother, the Queen, and all the other Amazons on an enshrouded island (didn’t it sound like the name of the island was mascara??) in the middle of the ocean. A British spy fleeing from the Germans (Chris Pine) accidentally finds the portal to their world, and comes, bringing angry Germans with guns in tow. There is a fight on the beach, Robin Wright (the general?) dies protecting Gal (Diana) and the more Diana learns from Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) the more she realizes she needs to go and fight in this war.

So they go, after a shoreside stand off with her mother that was very guilt laden (“You know you have been my greatest happiness. And today you are my greatest sorrow”) and a weird sex talk on the boat (“Why won’t you sleep with me?” “The pleasures of the flesh?” “I know about that, but we don’t need men. Goodnight”) they get to land where he needs to deliver a stolen recipe book for chemical weapons before an air attack kills thousands of people, but first it’s imperative to go SHOPPING because people can see Diana’s legs.

We also meet Steve Trevor’s¬†secretary, a slightly older, portlier woman who is allowed to be both of those things onscreen because she is funny, which is a whole DIFFERENT can of worms I don’t even want to get into-but just ask yourself have you EVER ever ever ever ever seen a movie where a fat woman is the romantic lead? Where her weight isn’t a gimmick (Shallow Hal) or something she’s apologizing for/trying to fix (Dreamgirls, Real Women Have Curves), or something that corrupts her sense of worth so entirely she will do anything to keep a man¬†(The Honeymoon Killers)? And don’t say The Last Holiday because Queen Latifah isn’t fat. You haven’t and I haven’t because they almost don’t exist which has fucked me up BUT¬†again, that’s for another time.¬†

They decide they need backup so they meet a ragtag group of accomplices in a bar, the group travels to France?, Diana is¬†tight as hell and saves everyone, I cry, Chris Pine loses her trust, she kills a bad guy but it’s the wrong one, Chris Pine suicides on a plane, she picks up a tank, she thinks about destroying the human race but then decides to save it, she kills the right guy, the war ends but she’s without love so her life is basically meaningless in the eyes of society, she continues to save society¬†anyway even though it was rude to her, she becomes an art dealer, Bruce Wayne sends her a picture of her boo thang, she tells us this story through a flashback in her mind, The End.

I’m looking forward to 5 years from now when we have better more feminist superhero movies where the most feminist thing about it isn’t that there’s a woman in a position of power or focus (cough Mad Max cough) but that it’s challenging latent sexism or ideas of gender etc. etc.

There was also an odd¬†emphasis on romantic love-Love was what the human race was worth fighting for and saving, love was what made everything have meaning- they specifically made it romantic love though, which they didn’t have to do at all-they could have let her touch one baby (she kept trying!) and then it could have been about connection and future and life-but instead they made it romantic love which made it seem like she saved the whole world because she frenched a dude one time.

Like the scene at the end where Chris Pine dies (spoiler!) and it seems like she’s gonna kill the poison doctor and symbolically side with Aries to help him defeat the human race, then she remembers that Chris Pine loves her so she doesn’t? It makes her convictions (which were so strong when she was leaving the island) seem kind of guileless and weak.

I tried to go see this movie yesterday and I couldn’t because it was sold out and that’s good. In the screening I saw today I saw men alone or groups of just men and that’s good. But honestly that should be normal. There shouldn’t still be a question of, “Can women do this thing?” No matter what that thing is, I guarantee there are women who can do it. Not me, but women. I know women who can do three pull ups for Christ’s sake. Normal women just walking around day to day in the world. We can do anything! It feels condescending that people are like, “this women’s movie is doing so good!!” It makes me mad because women are every second person on the planet, you don’t think they can direct movies? Or coach Basketball? Or host Late Night? It’s all dumb. This movie is just ok as a movie. It’s embarrassing it’s the first vehicle superhero movie that has had a female lead (Are we all just ignoring Catwoman? I liked it), just the same way it’s embarrassing that this is the first season (out of 21) The Bachelor franchise has¬†featured a black person. Ya late.

Gal Gadot is very beautiful, I was annoyed that she was so tiny-if you’re making her the most powerful woman in the world can you make her more than 125 lbs? I felt this way during Jessica Jones too, it feels like a cheat code to get both things- not that thin women can’t be strong, but if someone is picking up a tank let them have thick legs! And arms! And I know Gal fought in the military, probably because Israel requires it of all it’s citizens, but again, for representation it would be cool to see someone strong who looked liked someone strong.

Idk if some girl watches this and believes in herself more because of it great, but it seems like a very narrow idea of success and not for most women and I did cry but I was also mad because she looks exactly like everyone else I’ve ever seen succeed or deserve love in a movie and it’s not that groundbreaking to me. Honestly it’s annoying to me that people think it is!! I’m sure if I weighed 120 lbs I could dodge bullets too! Ah well.

2 out of 5 wedge sandals will probably masturbate again but won’t enjoy it.

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Personal Shopper

personal shopper

SO, THIS is a story all about how a twin medium’s life got flipped turned upside down, so I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you about how KStew became the ghost of a town called short hair. *Instrumental break* Did I lose you? I know it was a stretch at the end but I needed something that rhymed with Bel-Air and that was the best I could do. If you can do better, let me know and I’ll change it.

The first like 10 min of the movie is Kristen Stewart opening glass french doors onto bleak nothingness, and then pushing her hair around to let us know she’s upset.¬†Phones and hair-pushing are like 80% of how information gets conveyed in this movie and as an audience member lemme just say, the phone is my preference. (More on this later!!) It makes me go back and revisit in my mind all the movies where we just had hair-pushing, and what a disaster those were. Kristen Stewart relies on certain sections of her head and face a disproportionate amount to convey emotion: top and sides of the head (where the hair is), bottom lip, and middle of the eyebrows. Any avid KStew fan knows, these three areas are where all the acting’s happening. You don’t even need to look anywhere else. You can, and you probably will, but you don’t need to.

So we’re kind of invested, because clearly she’s got a lot going on, but then the plot goes all the way to hell about 15 minutes into the movie. At¬†the beginning you’re like, oh interesting a movie about a personal shopper that isn’t vanity driven or shallow but seems to be complex and she has stuff going on (not that personal shoppers can’t be complex but in movies they’re always chewing gum and saying something caustic about sweaters- it’s¬†never a personal shopper discussing applied ethics¬†in between dress fittings) and we’re curious about what that stuff is, until this monologue where we find out the stuff she has going on is: GHOSTS.

In this movie not only is Kristen Stewart a personal shopper, she¬†can also sense “presences,” NOT GHOSTS SHE DOESN’T KNOW IF SHE BELIEVES IN GHOSTS OK JUST LET HER WEAR HER BEANIES IN PEACE. And wow does she have a lot going on. Her twin brother Lewis died 95 days ago of a heart attack caused by a¬†congenital heart defect she also has. (We learn this in quite the shocking topless scene where her boobs tell their own story). Her brother was also a medium. Not at Old Navy, like with the dead.

KStew, “Maureen,” is waiting for a sign from her brother because while they were both alive they made an oath that whoever died first would give the other a sign. Did you know a vague pact with no clear¬†or discernible meaning can provide momentum for 105 minutes of plot? I didn’t either! So, she’s waiting in Paris for the sign because that’s where he died. She’s American, I assume her twin brother is American, she lives in Paris but zips around to London a lot where her brother’s partner lives-I’m just saying they seem very cosmopolitan for two mediums? Is there a thriving medium community overseas? They’re kind of made fun of here (Mediums here are either from Long Island or a 1-800 number) but I would love it if it’s really well-respected other places. Like being a dentist, but for ghosts.

So there’s also this other thing where Kristen/Maureen seems to have a sexual relationship with the clothes she picks up for her boss (celebutante Kyra). Every time Kristen¬†goes to a fitting, or a shoot, people ask her to¬†try on clothes and I just don’t think that’s part of it? Why would they? It seems odd. (It’s sort of implied it’s because they’re the same size so they don’t have to bring it back to be fitted because that’s what it is for shoes, but when Kristen’s taking a selfie in a mirror in Kyra’s dress later she’s gathering it in the back because it’s too big, and we already saw a fashion week photo of Kyra in it and it fit, sooooo no dice!!). Kristen sort of¬†has this, “I know I shouldn’t, but I want to” look in her eyes every time they bring out a tank top that is usually reserved for when someone wants to fuck someone who is married, but here is used for when she wants to try on a pair of shoes.

Then she’s texting with a spirit? An “Unknown” number texts her phone¬†and keeps saying ominous weird things and asking her questions and first she thinks it’s Lewis but then it just seems like some guy from Tinder (“I want you. I will have you.”) You know when you think you’re texting your dead brother but really it’s just some dude trying to fuck?? So annoying! This texting conversation lasts throughout almost the whole second half of the movie. She travels between two countries and is still keeping up this conversation. It’s a long conversation is what I’m saying.

I will say a few things about Kristen’s texting grammar since we spent a lot of the movie watching her text (suspenseful!). She puts a space in between a sentence and a question mark and I APPRECIATE THAT because I do that too. When the question mark is¬†right there next to the words it feels really urgent but when you type your thought then a space then the question mark, it feels like your words can be considered on their own, then the question mark adds tone, like, ‘what did you also think about this?’ Something I did NOT¬†appreciate was that she’s either all or nothing with punctuation which is really extreme and off-putting. Either a sentence has nothing, or it has TWO question marks which is so aggressive! Her texts looked like 2 different people, both with mood disorders trading the phone back and forth. That’s probably enough about the texting grammar.

Her boss gets murdered at some point. After KStew tries on her clothes and masturbates in them, and she finds the body. She’s freaked out and runs away but then comes back and tells the police. In the middle of all of this she neglects her spirit text penpal which upsets it, so it comes after her/decides to frame her? But then tells her to got to a hotel, where we see some elevator doors open and close and it looks like the camera is following a ghost? Then Kyra’s illegal boyfriend (she’s married) comes out and the cops go for him and he tries to get away/shoots at them, but they arrest him. While this hullabaloo is happening, Kristen feels unsafe alone (because ghosts) so she goes and stays with her brother’s alive girlfriend who is now dating someone else from work. Kristen talks to him and tells him he has nothing to feel guilty about, which is cool and understanding of her.

Then her brother appears on the patio and breaks a glass but she’s not looking out for signs right this second and leaves the country to go visit her boyfriend (Gary) in Marrakesh or wherever he is (he’s been traveling this whole time and I really thought the writing was on the wall for him to be cheating on her but I guess not) and then she thinks her brother’s there because another glass breaks, but it’s not? Then it’s her?? She was dead the whole time? This movie ends with her saying, “I guess the ghost was me” and a white out. A WHITE OUT.¬†What!

The medium thing was honestly out of control, to the point where people in the theatre (me) were laughing. At one point Kristen Stewart looks at a faucet that was on and goes, “I’m gonna need more from you.” Which was absurd and very hilarious. I did not believe her as a medium, mostly because it was such an afterthought? They gave her way too much going on I think- she’s doing these cross hatch drawings of a door, then cumming while putting on shoes, then deciding which 500$ belt would go with being rich, then riding her moped to another country, honestly the dead probably couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I bet her brother has been trying to give her signs for like 45 days she’s just too busy watching videos of prescient abstract female artists on her phone or doing weird hand things to notice. (She did SO MANY weird hand things. She would like, rim cups she was drinking or play a mini invisible piano while looking in the fridge or stretch one finger out before opening doors, it was a lot).

The only scene we see Kyra in other than the one where she’s lying in a pool of her own blood is her and her lawyer on a conference call and they’re going back and forth very seriously with someone about some gorillas?? Where they can and cannot be, and a lot of other specific details about a group of gorillas for some reason?? It was really a funny choice to make, I appreciated that. I wanted Kyra to start talking to Kristen¬†after she died, that would have been ironic since she didn’t really talk to her in life, but I think this movie wouldn’t have liked that, too much of a bow. No one can accuse them of that!

Oh also the man who murdered Kyra encouraged Kristen¬†to follow her dreams? What are we supposed to take from that? Kristen Stewart’s makeup in this movie was phenomenal though. The subtlety of her eyeshadow is something her acting aspires to.

Some stuff didn’t make sense to me-the beginning of the movie Kristen goes to¬†this house to try to hear from her brother (but it’s actually someone else, a mad lady who vomits “ectoplasm”)¬†but why are they doing a ghost appraisal on this house? Who are the people buying the house who she’s giving the spirit reports to? No clue.

Overall, incredibly odd, and not in a fascinating new kind of way, in a, “that’s what you did?” kind of way. Eh. 3 out of 6 neutral pullovers, would masturbate again if I’m still thinking about it in a year.

 

 

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