The Fate of the Furious

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Hello, hello, hello. What is this the 8th movie in this franchise? And I am going strong. I didn’t even learn the title I just said I wanted a ticket to The Fast & The Furious and she knew what I was doing. (It’s also my birthday today and she gave me free birthday popcorn!!!)

These movies seem like they would be bad just because all the trailers are people saying stupid things then explosions but they’ve actually been consistently SO GOOD. This one is a classic pit of Family vs. Justice- there is an evil cyber hacker named Cipher (we all watched The Matrix ok you could have stretched on that name a little bit) played by Charlize Theron. Number one let me just say, to make the villain of the movie a white lady with dreads is perfect. A chefs kiss. (They’re more twists? Idk what she was doing- it looked like the dollar store version of Angelina Jolie in Gone in 60 Seconds) They could NOT figure out how they wanted this lady to dress, in some scenes she looked like the floor manager of a Linens n’ Things and other times she was wearing Metallica t-shirts with blazers. BLAZERS. What in the world.

But so she’s this hacker (both computer mavens were women!! Yay casting and representation- ALSO this franchise is the only franchise with a majority non-white cast that continues to make hundreds of millions of dollars with each release) and she’s trying to get nuclear codes and a submarine just to threaten the world? She gives this weird speech about the end goal but it’s very vague and meandering. Dominic (Vin) is like, “You did all this to start a war?” and she scoffs, “It’s so much more than that” but then never really says what it is. She says it’s so she can do whatever she wants for the rest of her life- but like are you gonna detonate them? Just say that you have them? What?

Dom is in Cuba on his honeymoon (if it took Dom & Letty seven movies to get married there’s hope for you girlfriend!) and Charlize pretends her car is broken down and when Dom stops to help, she shows him something on a cell phone that makes him try to kill Hobbs (Dwayne The Rock Johnson) and turn on everyone. He also kisses Charlize Theron after they set off “concussion bombs” which alter your sensory perception for up to an hour and looked really cool, and I almost cried. I love Letty & Dom and I don’t care who knows it!!!

Also happening, Hobbs goes to jail since the mission got fucked up when Dom went rogue (they say “went rogue” like 50 times in this movie and I get it, but it was still too much. You get to say it one time and that’s all) and he runs into Jason Statham in prison. They have some history, I don’t remember what it is because the last movie came out a year ago and I did not store its every detail in my brain, but they don’t like each other. They do this weird machismo taunting fight bragging through their glass cells at each other, then Hobbs pulls a cement table out of the wall & starts bench pressing it, they agree that if they run into each other outside the cells they will fight a lot.

Almost immediately, the doors to Hobbs’ cell open because there are rich men with vested interests in stuff. But he’s trying to play by the book (he’s just a good cop trying to get it right for his daughter!!!) and all these guards with tasers come to apprehend him even though he’s not trying to get out but Deckard (Jason Statham) chokes one of the guards, makes him tase himself, then uses it to electrocute his locks and open his door. Then a truly excellent prison-wide fight scene happens with a GREAT song playing (I would like to purchase this soundtrack because I liked it very much) and eventually the suits come (Kate Hudson’s dad and Clint Eastwood’s son) and bring them to a warehouse to explain that GASP they actually need to put aside their feud and work TOGETHER because they share a goal (Cipher corrupted and abandoned Deckard’s brother).

Everyone is working together to try to track Dom and Evil Gas Station Barbie and there are some GREAT chase scenes. A personal fave was when Charlize hijacked all the smart car driving mechanisms so she made hundreds of cars in the cities drive against traffic, into stores, whatever. It was a really cool visual to see all the driverless cars causing havoc. Additionally she said, “make it rain” right before making a bunch at the top of a parking garage drive off the edge onto the street (they were trying to get nuclear launch codes from a Russian limo, typical) and that was sweet!! Also every time I’m on the upper level of one of those the death impulse kicks in and it was very very satisfying to watch.

They travel all over the world trying to track them and everyone ends up in Russia (the names of the places are superimposed over the landscape for the first shot of a new destination and I really liked that choice, it looks cool like a video game). Everyone was wearing FINGERLESS gloves in Russia and that took me out of it for a minute because that’s just not right. I’ve done winters in New York & Massachusetts which I’m pretty sure don’t have shit on Russia and you would NEVER wear fingerless gloves outside in that, so I know you wouldn’t if you were hundreds of miles further from the Equator. But oh well. The lady who did the costumes was named Marlene and this was her only mistake and I forgive her.

Letty punches a man off a railing into a moving submarine blade to kill him and people are driving over ice dodging torpedos- there’s a lot going on and it’s all wonderful. Jason Statham is doing a full fight scene with a baby because that’s what was on the cell phone- Dom has a son and Charlize got him and was blackmailing him with it. But they get the kid and then all bets are off. Dom immediately kills the bodyguard person who was with him and outdrives a submarine. Everyone saves the day, they end the movie with the CLASSIC Fast & the Furious dinner scene where people give meaningful toasts and eat corn, Letty meets the baby and you know she’s gonna help raise it cause she’s an angel on Earth.

The beginning of the movie has a really great race scene in Cuba where Dom races some guy with a nosering using a busted up old car that catches fire halfway through the race and he drives backwards through the flames and wins and the car crashes into the ocean and then all these Cuban children crowd around him and cheer for him like he’s a national hero, which he basically is. Helen Mirren has a cameo as Jason Statham’s mom, and we get a true gift of a scene where Dwayne The Rock Johnson is the coach of his daughter’s soccer team and he teaches them some sort of tribal intimidation chant and they do it on the field and it’s very wonderful and great.

Loved this movie, 4 out of 6 nuclear subs, will for sure masturbate again (especially when Dom is teaching his hot young son the ropes in the next one)!! Peace & blessings upon you and your racing family.

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