Logan Logan Logan Logan Logan. !!!!!! I liked it. I liked it a lot. You don’t know you have a need to watch a nine year old girl claw a bunch of men to death until it’s happening, but you do. This movie fills that need for all of us.

This movie is set in 2029, where the adamantium in Logan’s body is starting to poison him. Professor Xavier has dementia and lives in a metal grain silo in Mexico, and Stephen Merchant is his albino mutant hospice nurse. In the future Logan is a suicidal Uber driver and he and the Professor have some sort of end dream of living on a boat together.

This dystopian Norman Rockwell vista is interrupted when a nurse finds/keeps trying to contact Logan for his help. She wants him to drive her and her “daughter” to the border (of North Dakota?) so they can get to a place called Eden and be safe. He shrugs it off and doesn’t want to do it, but she gives him 20,000 dollars then gets murdered so he decides to help.

Aside: Whose funeral was he at when she first found him? Who was the woman he was putting into the car? Did someone take an Uber to a funeral and make him stay?? 

The girl, Laura (Dafne Keen), is the one Professor Xavier has been talking about/communicating with telepathically for a few days, but no one believed him because he’s almost 90 and has a degenerative brain disorder. WHICH BY THE WAY he’s supposed to keep taking these pills to suppress his seizures because when he gets them he commits psychic terrorism and kills/paralyzes anyone near him up to hundreds of people and it’s happened before. Fun!!

Laura comes to the metal farm (do I mean a farm that’s main export is metal or a farm that seems to be constructed entirely of metal? Somehow it’s both!) Logan and the Professor and Stephen (Caliban) have been living on/at. Pretty soon after, a whole cadre of military people come to collect/kidnap her. She is a genetic experiment, the government was using mutant DNA to make child soldiers with special powers they could raise and control (yawn if you’ve ever seen Dark Angel), but as it turns out people don’t like to be forced to kill for the government even (especially?) if they are children. So all the kids started rebelling. The govt decided to scrap that project and make instead “something without a soul” that would be better at taking orders, and give the go ahead to kill all the kids. But the nurses who had been taking care of them/being lied to, figured out what was going on and tried to get the kids out and save them (women of color are the only ones doing the right thing and risking their bodies to do so? Sounds like a realistic future to me!).

Logan is pretty meh on the girl and leaves her in the trailer house to be taken by these military dudes, one of which has a throat tattoo and a metal arm, (Boyd Holbrook as Pierce) but when she comes out with a severed head and metal claws he becomes very on board with her. They (Logan, Laura, the Professor) flee and vaguely make their way to the coordinates given to them by the dead nurse. (They also find an informative video on her phone that shows the experiments on the children and the plan to kill them). I say vaguely because Logan saw the exact coordinates of their secret rendezvous destination in the X-Men comics Laura had in her bag (lotta levels here!) so he thinks it’s made up and pointless to go.

Many trials and tribulations interrupt their path, most notably a black family with a horse trailer gets run off the road by some racist country folk and they stop to help them. Logan’s ready to get back on the road but the Professor (in his new role as Logan’s old dad Chuck) accepts their invitation to dinner and to stay the night.

These scenes are different from the rest of the movie, there’s some casual ribbing going on over biscuits (about the past in front of biscuits I mean) and this is the first time we see Laura smile. There is an interesting and weird scene where she follows the son of the family (Quincy Fouse as Nate Munson) into his room and gets way too close to him as he listens to his headphones and explains pole-vaulting to her. It’s sweet. But alas, all good things must come to a violent an unexpected end, and soon the dad Will (Eriq La Salle from ER!!!!!) needs to go into the corn fields because someone (either the racists from before or new ones!) shuts their water off, which he explains happens from time to time.

Aside: There were some subtle, and some not so subtle social commentaries snuck into this mostly gore action movie that I appreciated. The evil people in the movie were Border Patrol and “walls” were a big factor/barrier for everyone good. Also the thing that starts the big conflict with Will’s family is water access (#NoDAPL/Flint). The doctor who made and wanted to kill the children even mentions “my good friend Donald” in one of his meandering narcissistic speeches about “justice” but idk it could have been a coincidence, but it’s also only 12 years in the future and it’s possible it could be him too. Anyway. 

So Logan and Will go to turn the water back on and there’s a bunch of dudes with guns out there. Logan does his thing (being intimidating in a tank top) and they flee. They go back to the house but there’s a clone of Wolverine there who has killed everyone and stabbed Professor Xavier in the chest. The clone has Laura in a metal whole body handcuff thing and is carrying her to the military hospital van where everyone else is, including Caliban who they tortured into helping them. 😦

But then lots of trucks pull up and the racists are back with reinforcements. They mistake the clone for Logan and go after him but he kills all of them which is incredibly satisfying to watch. Meanwhile, the Professor dies in Logan’s arms so he goes a little nuts and stabs his clone a billion times. Then Will comes back from the dead (almost) and pins the clone to some farm equipment with his truck through the chest. Then Will dies. He almost shoots Logan before going and Logan is all about it, he’s really ready to die at this point, but Will does it first.

So now it’s just him and Laura, and she’s spoken for the first time (like an hour into the movie) and it’s Spanish and she insists on going to her friends/family at this camp in North Dakota. Logan is very weak and near death. Laura tells him to let her drive, he refuses, so she just waits until he passes out and does it. (She also drove him to an Urgent Care in a car she stole earlier) . They get to the camp and there’s a bunch of mutant children that look like a United Colors of Benetton ad. They give Logan this green serum medicine (only a little bit!!) to nurse him back to health. It’s the same thing the military doctor gave his clone to grow his eye back after it was blown off with a shotgun.

Logan gets better-ish (he’s really old and busted in this movie and I KNOW they said it was because the adamantium is poisoning him but I don’t think that’s right!!! Did anyone read the comic books? Did this happen in there? It seemed like a gimmick to address the fact that Hugh Jackman the actor is getting older despite playing a character who is a REGENERATIVE IMMORTAL, but maybe I’m wrong. Where’s my brother when you need him??)

So he goes to sleep. Laura wanted him to come with them (they’re crossing some border that’s in North Dakota that they will be safe beyond) but he doesn’t want to and that makes her mad/upset because he’s her dad technically and she wants to be with him but he’s like, “Everyone I care about gets hurt” and she’s like, “So I’ll be fine then” WHICH WAS A REALLY SICK BURN!!!!!! The next morning the kids are all gone but then Logan sees drones and military trucks heading towards the woods path they took. So he runs for 8 MILES (you only get one shot) then shoots the whole bottle of green serum. He goes ham on the soldiers and his clone but takes a BEATING in the process, like a tree trunk through the chest beating, (not enough kids used their powers??? They were just running and being captured?? Even though one of them can literally can control trees??) and finally Laura shoots the clone in the head with an adamantium bullet that Logan was keeping for suicide purposes.

Logan dies (WTF) and Laura buries him and does this weird funeral poem I didn’t understand that was a short story that also had no context? Maybe someone else understood that part. Then as all the kids are leaving Laura picks up the stick cross they made for him and turns it on its side so it’s an X!!! Which was visually really cool!! Then the movie is over. And there’s not even a scene after the credits!! I looked it up in the theatre to see if I should stay even though I really had to pee and there’s multiple articles about why there ISN’T a scene after the credits. Which I didn’t read because I really had to pee but I’m curious!

Overall I truly loved it, the little girl was cool as fuck. She also got these sunglasses halfway through that she wore all the time and she looked like Lolita a little, but if Lolita had wanted to kill men instead of fuck them. The whole time I really wanted Hugh Jackman to be young and hot again instead of aging and slow which I know is a curse of movies that they put into you. I was satisfied in this wish for a minute in his young clone but I just wanted Logan to be the best. I can’t believe he died- are they not gonna do anymore with him? I do want to see more with the girl and the other kids but I’m not ready to give him up yet. I just need to ask a comic book person what the end of his arch is and if this is permanent or not.

Like I said, I liked the hints at social commentary, I thought the acting was solid on most everyone’s part. Love a hot villain with a throat tattoo, that was a plus. I also really liked how Patrick Stewart (as the Professor) was fundamentally the same and different than who we know his character to be because that’s exactly what dementia does to a person-makes them virtually unrecognizable at times while they’re still themselves. Like, he was cursing which he would NEVER do when he was with it, and generally pretty snappy and cranky, and refused to take his meds. But he also still pushed and filled a leadership role and made judgement calls and held his same core beliefs even if they were articulated differently and I really appreciated that. It made his brain disease seem very real. At first I was a lil mad that the main character was a woman but they didn’t even let her speak the whole first half of the movie, but then they addressed it and she was bilingual and it was cool to me. Lol they also managed to wedge gender in there talking about the METAL IN HER BODY because she has feet claws and the Professor is like, “in the wild female lions use front claws for hunting and back claws for defense blah blah blah” and I was like, let her be non-binary dude!! But they couldn’t hear me. But Jesus.

5 out of 7 Ungendered Lions, will definitely masturbate again.


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