Just got home from Suicide Squad (which I paid money to see). A friend and I went to a small arthouse mom and pop kind of theatre (the Prytania for all you New Orleans theatre heads!) which I was happy to support and also was way closer than the movie theatre I usually go to (AMC Elmwood in Harahan!!). My ticket was 13.50. Thirteen dollars and fifty cents. For one ticket. And that’s a dollar less than the 14.50 it was supposed to be, I just carry my old student ID from 5 years ago and lie. It wasn’t until we were in the movie and the credits started that we realized it was 3D.
3D movies are the worst. The fucking worst. They cost more for poorer picture quality. There is no reason movies need to be in 3D, not a single reason. They only do it so they can upcharge you for “glasses” which are shitty pieces of plastic that you “recycle” so they can just charge someone else the same 5 dollars you just paid. A person who tells you they like 3D is also in 7th grade and thinks cheese you can squirt is “fun.”
So we got the glasses, they SUCKED like I knew they would, and the movie starts. There’s this kind of boring dossier type intro beginning where everyone getting recruited for the squad gets a 30 second rundown of their stats on screen next to their name in a hyper stylized neon rainbow font and then some clip of them showing how crazy they are while pump up music plays. This is all happening during a restaurant-meeting (that reminded me of Thank You For Smoking) between some peon and Viola Davis.
Viola Davis was the HBIC of the military/movie. They routinely have her demonstrating meaningless acts of cruelty to shore up this personality/status. There’s one scene where she just guns down like 5 people in a briefing room because they “didn’t have clearance” and she’s constantly casually shooting people or ordering people to be killed.The only problem with this (besides being heavy-handed & kind of lazy storytelling) is that it’s Viola Davis. So after they’re dead I just hear her saying, “You is dead, you is murdered,…” in her The Help voice.
The general idea behind forming the Suicide Squad was that now that Superman is dead (literally one of the only cool/original details about this-in an early shot someone is selling one of those airbrushed RIP shirts for him and that was awesome) the government is worried, “what if the next Superman is a terrorist?” So Viola proposes a contingency plan which is going into prisons and finding lots of unstable people who are good at killing, then ensuring their loyalty by putting bombs in their necks. (And killing one of them early on so they know she will). Viola also has paleontologist June Moon (Cara Delevigne) who is possessed by a witch that Viola can half control because she has her heart in a suitcase and stabs it with a pencil sometimes.
But the witch is a fucking witch, so she frees her spirit brother from inside some statue and abandons her military post to start a weird lightening storm in a subway station and kill/rule all of humanity. Suicide Squad, engage. The leader of this mission is someone named Rick Flag (a man who looks like he stepped out of an Old Spice commercial) who is in love with June Moon, and constantly seems like he needs a hug.
Everyone in the squad is ‘released’ from prison and reunited with their possessions to gear up for this mission, which allows for a slow camera pan over Harley Quinn’s entire body as she changes from her orange jumpsuit into a baseball tee and some two tone sequin shorts. This also allows for all the men to stop what they’re doing and watch her getting dressed, because why have a lead female character if you’re not going to exploit her sexual capital?
The basic group is Will Smith as Deadshot (an assassin who never misses), Killer Croc (a human crocodile), Boomerang (an Australian man who likes unicorns), a guy who can climb anything (he dies very early on), Diablo (a tatted reformed gangster who can create fire) and Harley Quinn (a psychologist who fell in love with the Joker, then into a vat of chemicals). There’s also a samurai lady who is Rick Flag’s friend and seems to hate everyone.
The squad (lol this movie would have been better if it was Taylor Swift and all of her friends trying to stop a witch) go to the platform where the electrical light storm is happening, and encounter all these oil lizards? We soon find out the witch can turn people into faceless members of her army and after this transformation their heads look like vats of bubbling oil. But they are still mortal, so that’s probably 30 minutes right there, lots of fight scenes that all look like high budget clips of people killing the Putties from Power Rangers.
There’s a part in one of these early fights where Rick Flag (I keep almost typing Rick Flair) is being dragged away to be killed and some of the Suicide Squad is like, “good riddance” and then Will Smith (who has emerged as the informal leader) yells, “He dies, we die!” so they save him and it feels like the characters might start to have complexity but it’s like at the beach when you see a wave start to form then it just melts back into the ocean a few moments later.
Diablo has refused to fight this whole time because he has sworn himself to a life of peace (only in prison because he turned himself in) because once he lost his temper and accidentally killed his wife and two children. Bummer! So he’s not fighting because of a personal honor code, but then when Will Smith eggs him on, and he does end up fighting, then that becomes honorable too. (It’s not a Zach Snyder movie without some vague speeches about justice!)
The squad is slowly making their way to where the witches are, meanwhile, Harley has been texting with the Joker (girl what plan are you on??) this whole time and he keeps saying he’s going to come for her. Then he does in a helicopter on the roof and she jumps onto a rope dangling from his helicopter even though she still has the bomb in her neck. Viola Davis tells Will Smith to shoot her (which is somewhat of an emotional cliffhanger because Harley and Will have gotten kind of close and if he was friends with anyone it would be her and so it’s sort of a test if he has a heart at all), he aims and shoots and Harley slumps dramatically but then characteristically pops back up and does some aerial poses and he shrugs and says, “I missed.” Which lets US know he’s letting Viola know, Fuck You, because earlier when they go to pick him up from prison she gives him a tableful of guns and says, “I want to see what you can do” and he gets every single bullet into a perfect headshot.
So Viola just tells some army person to shoot the whole helicopter down and Harley lands on a building but the helicopter crashes so she thinks the Joker is dead (Guess what! He’s not!) and so she gets not carefree for the first time in the movie.
Then more meaningless action for little to no payoff. Like, they go to the subway, then fight the witch but the whole time she’s a witch? I don’t understand why she can’t just kill them. They’re people, she can create lightening. It seems very simple.
So there’s just lots of pointless prolonged fighting until guess what, they kill her in the heart and they kill her brother by blowing him up? They are two supernatural demons who have survived every natural disaster for thousands of years but a homemade bomb in the subway is what got them? Lol, ok Suicide Squad.
Before they kill her, the witch tries to get in all of their heads by showing them images of their hearts’ true desires and GUESS WHAT they all just want to be normal and happy with a family. Harley Quinn’s was her in a pretty house with some kids, no dye job, and Jared Leto in a power suit and it just looks like they cut to Wolf of Wallstreet for a second, then back. This was a cool part of the movie because Harley looks like she’s giving in and she goes toward the witch and acts like she’s switching sides, but really is just getting close enough to kill her and that was cool and I like that the villain and the person who saved everyone were both women (lol women r so cray).
But overall, Jesus Christ. This movie was two hours and ten minutes long. TWO HOURS. With ZERO plot.The problem with this movie if I had to boil it down was a general lack of direction and stakes. Anytime Zach Snyder is attached to a project you can bet there are going to be amazing visuals and a bloated ass screenplay and good 45 minutes that needed to be cut out. Also, for all this talk of Jared Leto’s method acting, he speaks probably 6 times in the whole movie. He did not need to send a used condom and dead animal carcasses to speak 6 lines. Harley Quinn was the most interesting character to me by far but they never really explain what she can do, or what makes her so crazy, or really anything about her that isn’t sexually charged flippant comments or giggling at destruction.
There are some interesting character complications, Will Smith’s daughter, some speeches inside a bar about love and acceptance, some glimpses into Harley and the Joker’s relationship, but overall these are few and far between and not tied to the rest of the performances or the “plot.”
Really disappointed. 2 out of 6 vats of chemical poison, would not masturbate again.