Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Fantastic_Four_Rise_of_the_Silver_Surfer

Honestly, I wasn’t even going to write a post for this one because hello it’s a Fantastic Four sequel, I’m embarrassed that I watched it at all, let alone want to broadcast it to others. But then I had to because at the end of the movie for NO REASON WHATSOEVER there is a Japanese wedding!!!

Ok lemme back up. I haven’t seen the original Fantastic Four but I assume there is one because this title has a colon in it and there were characters that the main cast already seemed acquainted with (Dr. Doom) that I had no idea about. I’m just going with what’s on HBO Now (I got a replacement login!!!!) and I love Jessica Alba.

Jalba and whoever plays Reed Richards were trying to get married the whole movie but their wedding kept being interrupted by a planetary crisis! There’s this molecular mass thing that’s coming to eat Earth and it’s eaten five other planets already and it survives off energy, etc. It somehow needs a genitalia-less man riding a dark matter surfboard to bore different holes in the planet at different coordinates for it to consume it correctly? I hope someone else understood the science here but honestly I just think they made it all up. It would be great if NASA or whoever else had a blog where they just shit on movie science and pointed out all the holes in different movies’ dumb plots, I would subscribe and I would love that.

The majority of screen time is spent trying to capture this metallic surfer guy (appropriately called “Silver Surfer”) then realizing they need him to stop the bigger thing, and then a weird connection/romance/memory thing happens between Susan (Jalba) and Silver Surfer where he’s really tender with her because she ‘reminds him of someone’ he used to love and it’s just like, “Oh your galactic ex-girlfriend used to look like Jessica Alba???” Come on no she didn’t that’s just a thing people say when someone is beautiful because we as a SOCIETY (uh-oh) associate beauty with moral good. No one ever tells that to someone ugly-that they remind them of someone. Anyway. She asks his real name (It’s like Nordus or something) and he likes that but really he likes it even more when she sacrifices herself to save him. She jumps in front of this shooting spear and her mind forcefield thing doesn’t work so she gets speared and dies and that makes him see that he has a choice (I wish this movie were an abortion allegory but it’s not) so he brings her back to life and surfs off into the galactic sunset and into this huge planetary black hole thing and apparently that makes it collapse onto itself, why, I do not know.

Then everyone’s happy Susan’s alive and they agree to stay the Fantastic Four (Sue & Reed were planning to leave to start a family but not anymore!) and THEN she’s like, “*sigh* another media circus wedding?” and he’s like, “I’ve got something else in mind” cue to EVERYONE IN KIMONOS with wooden shoes in front of lanterns and a river and a lot of Asian people? And they get married in a traditional Japanese style? Why????? It was SO WEIRD!! Jessica Alba was dressed like a geisha and I wasn’t offended at that episode of Kimmy Schmidt but I was offended right now! What in the world! It was very very arresting, I was caught completely off guard.

Then the movie was over! They didn’t explain why that happened-did I miss something in the first movie that would have made that make sense? Was everyone part Asian and I didn’t know? Or she and Johnny (her brother, The Human Torch/Chris Evans) were raised in Japan? Idk, it was bizarro.

Other things: Kerry Washington is in this movie as the Fantastic Four’s version of the Hulk’s blind girlfriend (What’s his name? The Thing? —Ok I looked it up, yes it is The Thing but “Orange Hulk” is a better name). Is she blind in the comic books? Probably, but you never know. And that evil doctor from Nip/Tuck is Dr. Doom (two very different doctors!) All I could think about watching Chris Evans is that he’s dating Jenny Slate and that means either he’s funnier than I would have thought or she’s shallower than I would have thought although that’s not really fair since I don’t know either of them, that’s just what I thought. The Torch had a weird “romance” with a military lady in the film and by “weird” I mean that she literally hates him the entire movie then is his date to the wedding at the end. Why why why why why. UGh. JUST PORTRAY AT LEAST SEMI-REALISTIC ROMANTIC INTERACTIONS oh well.

I have to say I did not hate this movie, but I was kind of mentally distracted when I was watching it and I also wanted to be distracted from life while watching it. Lotta mental things going on, so I welcomed this tepid drivel!  Um, the person who did Jessica Alba’s eye makeup should win an Emmy, that is all.

2 out of 5 dead planets, would not masturbate again.

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