Catwoman

catwoman

So I just saw Catwoman (yes, you read that right, someone in 2016 watched Catwoman) AND I did NOT hate it!!!!

If you haven’t seen it (as I imagine most adults with a functioning frontal lobe have not): Halle Berry plays Patience Phillips, a graphic designer who is very talented and very spineless (classic woman!). She works for a company called Hedare Beauty that makes the miracle anti-aging cream, “Beau-Line.” Sharon Stone plays the just-pushed-aside-former-face-of-the-company, as well as the vengeful-bitter-wife-to-the-founder-of-the-company. That’s right, they are one in the same!

One night after being yelled at by her boss for not using the right shade of red, Patience sneaks back into the building to get her drawings so she can redo the project. But uh-oh! She comes across a clandestine meeting where some top scientists are telling some head honchos that their cream actually causes people’s faces to fall off AND migraines. Bad stuff! Clumsy ol’ Patience, she knocks over a beaker of something (who’s leaving full beakers out!!) and alerts all the evil people to her presence, which is, as my 20 Vine followers would say, “v bad.”

So she’s running (with her drawings-cumbersome but dedicated) and eventually she ends up in some kind of water pipe. Which then the people chasing her are just like, “turn that one on” and all this water flushes through and she dies.

BUT THEN a magical CAT comes and starts meowing over her body, then all these other cats come and they gather ominously but with purpose around her, then the main cat breathes into her dead mouth and her pupils change from circles to whatever that shape cat pupils are. (Slit, which sounds disgusting). So then Patience crawls back to her apartment but now she has super agility and speed and stuff and can climb buildings.

(The cats are CGI and look awful but not terrible. If you thought those were synonyms-I get where you’re coming from, but terrible is a little worse. Look it up!)

So, she’s back in her apartment. Something I forgot to mention earlier is that when Patience was just herself (before she died and got brought back to life by a magical cat), she was trying to catch the magic cat after it climbed out onto her balcony and a police officer (Miss Congeniality’s Benjamin Bratt!) saw her and tried to talk her down from the ledge. She was like, “there’s a cat up here” and he was like, “your compounding disinterest in living probably seems like a cat.” Then the cat came out and he was like, “LOL I thought you were trying to kill yourself! Wanna date me?” and she was like, “Yes!”

So they made a coffee date, which she stood him up for because she died. But then she came back!! But not in time for the date :(.

Being a cat makes Patience feisty!! And as you know, feisty women are unemployable. So she gets fired from her job and as her best friend Sally (Alex Borstein from MAD tv!) is helping her carry all her job-belongings away when Sally just passes out on the sidewalk. They go to the hospital, where Sally remains for the rest of the movie. WE as VIEWERS know it’s because of the skin cream, but it takes a while for ole Patience to put it all together. Cinema!

So, Patience is doing all her cat stuff (SO many bad cat puns in this movie) and she gets another date with the cop. They play a game of pickup basketball (like you do!) and Patience is really good at basketball because she’s a cat now and as we all know, cats are great at basketball. Nine lives, hate water, can sink a three from anywhere on the court. Cats!

But TWIST Catwoman stole all these diamonds from a jewelry store (she likes shiny things now) and the main cop detective sleuth badge on that case was bum bum bum: BENJAMIN BRATT! (his name in the movie is Tom Lone but that makes him sound like a cowboy made of steak and I don’t like it).

Finally she gets curious about the origins of her newfound ability to climb up the side of a building/see in the dark so she looks at the collar of the magical cat that’s been hanging out and finds a name/address. She goes there to bring the cat back and get some ANSWERS. The owner of the cat is Ophelia Powers (which I’m sure has some insider-y literary inside joke that I don’t get?) who is basically a cat historian. She worked at a university but quit when she was denied tenure, (men!) and now just lives with like 20 cats.

She showed Halle a thick cat science book and says that the cat who saved her is the rarest breed in the world and they are rumored to have magical powers. She tells Halle she died but that the cat brought her back to life with some of its own qualities/pieces of itself.

Halle can’t get over dying (get over it!!!) and she gets mad and wants to find out who killed her and why. The best way to do that apparently is to go to a nightclub and first do a sexy dance onstage with a whip THEN interrogate the bodyguard of the beauty cream CEO. The interrogation is a success, and he spills some figurative beans.

This leads Halle to the CEO’s house. He’s not home but Sharon Stone is and she’s PISSED. They have a minor tussle but then Sharon’s like, “Ok I fucking hate my husband, I’ll help you” which seems good but is actually a setup and later she kills her husband and frames Catwoman for it. (Btw she frames her by scratching the body three times ~like a cat~ in a bunch of places which seems very flimsy as evidence but o well).

Once the police find the body and think it’s her, Catwoman discards her outfit and tries to blend in as Patience again. However her cop boyfriend arrests her because he’s not a dumbdumbhead and can see it’s her because her “costume” is just half a mask. (It doesn’t even go over the nose. And of course not her eyes. So it just covers the skin around her eyes basically. It’s a horrible disguise). But truthfully he is a dumbdumbhead because he didn’t just look at her and go, “hey- you’re the same woman you guys” at any point in the movie- he had to steal a glass from her room and run a DNA test on it which came back “Catwoman.”

In jail Catwoman Patience explains to cop Ben how she was framed. He believes her and goes to bust Sharon Stone. This confrontation turns into a big glass rooftop fight scene (aren’t they all?) between Catwoman and Sharon. Finally Halle Patience Catwoman kills Sharon by pushing her off the side of the building. (The skin cream apparently makes your skin disintegrate if you stop using it, but hard as steel if you keep using it, so it was difficult to hurt Sharon) but everyone dies if you push them off a building. (Except in Mission Impossible or any movie with Sylvester Stallone).

Then in the end cop Ben and Halle DON’T get together because she’s like “there’s no place for someone like me in your world” which is a little much, and he’s alone at a cafe for like the third time in this movie. She walks along a rooftop with a cat.

Opinions: Some of the abilities and fight scenes looked cool!!! I like the way they did her agility and super speed, and there’s a fight scene during a ballet where she’s dodging all these ballerinas on wire as they spin through the air/keep dancing which looks cool.

A lot of the writing is REALLY bad, as I mentioned earlier it leans heavily on a lot of puns and cat tropes (!!!) which are never good. Halle Berry is MOSTLY good, except for a few parts where she tries to be a cat too hard and it’s very hilarious.

The music was the worst. A lot of weird choices. There’s a Fall Out Boy instrumental, a lot of female vocalists not singing words just singing animated hums which is always terrible; the music really takes you back to 2004.

Halle Berry’s body is ridiculously good looking in this. Looking at her body it’s ALMOST possible to forget that she did this movie three years AFTER winning an Oscar for Best Actress. Almost.

However I did enjoy it, I just texted through the bad parts.

3 out of 5 saucers of milk, would definitely masturbate again

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