The Hateful Eight


For someone who saw this movie on Christmas day, in the 70mm, (the whole ‘experience’) I don’t have that many opinions on it. Mostly my opinion is that it was a beautiful play. I say play because it was three hours long and had an intermission, developed exposition through dialogue, had minimal main settings and had a cast of like 20 people tops.

The basic plot is that this bounty hunter who has an ethical code of not killing people (Jeff Bridges? The other one? Kate Hudson’s dad whoever he is) has captured Jennifer Jason Leigh (a female outlaw!) and he’s taking her to the nearest town so he can pick up his reward. On the way, a blizzard comes (could have been GREAT Dairy Queen cross-promo opportunity) and they pick up two travelers on the way: a fellow bounty hunter (Samuel L. Jackson) and a man who claims to be the new sheriff of the town they’re all going to.

They have a few interesting Carriage Conversations which basically revolve around Samuel L. Jackson being black and having a checkered past where he murdered a lot of white people and has a letter from Abraham Lincoln. Jennifer Jason Leigh (“Daisy”) is covered with dirt and blood and does her best job to snarl and spit her way through the ride. The N word is said maybe three times.

Then they get to the bed and breakfast cabin place run by Minnie, only when they get there Minnie is nowhere to be found. There are some more characters inside the barn inn. They all seem to be doing their own thing, but luckily we have two more hours to get to know them. Tim Roth plays Oswaldo the town hangman, and Michael Madsen plays Joe Gage, the sensitive loner who likes to polish his gun and sit by himself. There are some other people in there, but the one that causes the most excitement is this old racist dude playing chess by the fire whom after engaging with Samuel L. Jackson unfavorably gets let in on the world’s most unfortunate secret, which is that Samuel L. Jackson not only murdered his son but he made him suck his dick before he did it. You read that right, there is an entire plot arch devoted to the description of the blowjob Samuel L. Jackson received from this racist man’s son (and a flashback which is very artful). So then this man is upset and angry (duh) and he goes to shoot Major Marquis Warren (Sammy) but the Major’s too quick for him and he kills that dude. The N word is said sixteen times.

Then while people are freaking out over this, someone poisons the coffee! (I feel like we’re on Broadway!) Daisy sees who it is, and we do not. Then someone drinks it and they die, but not before they spew out simply BUCKETS of blood on the floor. I appreciated this burst of gore, it kept the plot moving and things interesting and I think had it not been in there, the diehard Tarantino fans who have grown accustomed to the copious amounts of blood his films promise, would have been disappointed. So good job Quentin! The N word is said four times.

Also I was using the pronoun ‘they’ in that last part to describe who dies because I honestly don’t remember who it is. I saw it on Christmas which at this point was like 4 weeks ago and I’m sorry to whoever died but clearly he didn’t make much of an impression. I didn’t say the N word.

So Samuel L. Jackson and the racist Sheriff form an unlikely alliance and take everyone else’s guns, and put them against the wall in a ‘Whodunit’ kind of lineup. Then more stuff happens, I can’t really remember and Samuel/Marquis (I think?) is shot and he is bedridden. He says the N word a few times.

Aside: I forgot to mention: the set for this cabin was INCREDIBLE. Truly beautiful, intricate and detailed and everything good. It looked like if Pottery Barn did a Panhandler’s edition. Phenomenal. Pottery Barn would never say the N word. 

Then Channing Tatum comes out of the floor and starts to explain what’s going on but the Sheriff (or Marquis?) shoots him in the head. Everyone is silent and there is no opportunity to say the N word.

So then there’s sort of a stand off, and that thing that happens during a stand off that always happens: people make appeals using wit and cleverness. So Daisy starts to explain to the Sheriff he should kill Marquis because she’s part of the Domergue gang the head of which (lol) was her brother (Channing). And now that he’s dead, the whole gang’s going to kill everyone who’s not on their side. OH because also I forgot to mention, everyone that was in Minnie’s was secretly in this gang working together and they killed Minnie and the other people working there and it was a secret. They all call each other the N word.

So honestly, I don’t really remember what happens. I know that the Sheriff doesn’t do that and I think he kills the other people? And he and Sam get out alive? This is the best kind of movie review because there’s no spoilers because I legitimately don’t remember what happened. For real it was eight hours long and I saw it in New Orleans which means there’s a bar in the theatre and I saw it with my boyfriend and we brought beers in and he said some of the scenes looked a lot like Jodorowsky and I believe him and I liked it but I don’t remember what happened in the end, but it’s a Tarantino movie so I guess the Nazi’s won and everyone cracked a beer while saying the N word.

To circle back quickly though, an interesting speech/point that happens is that the letter Samuel/Marquis has from Abe Lincoln is a huge point of interest to everyone and is brought up a lot. At dinner while most everyone is seated at the table the Sheriff is like, “I don’t think that letter’s real” and to everyone’s dismay Marquis is like, “You’re right it’s not real. But it sure works to get white people to see me as a real person” something like that, and that was interesting to me.

8 out of 10 wagon wheels, would masturbate again. (To remember!).


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