50 Shades of Grey


Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. This movie sucked. I went to see it alone on Valentine’s Day. I wish they gave out Purple Hearts for social situations, cause I would have gotten it for this one.

I love going to see romantic movies on Valentine’s Day by myself, it’s a wonderful tradition I have. Last year I saw About Last Night (Kevin Hart), the year before I saw No Strings Attached (awful). So despite living in New Orleans and there being parades everywhere, I paid six dollars and thirty cents (take that The North!) to sit in a darkened room and watch some weird softcore porn with old people.

Now, even though I have been to a Costco in the past year I have not read these books. But the saying: “A million ants can’t be wrong,” that’s how I live my life and make my choices so I went to see it anyway.

Aside: If you didn’t know, this book is Twilight fan fiction. That’s not a joke I’m making, there are infinite forums for Twilight fan fiction. There were SO many/they got SO popular, many of the offshoots became their own things and strayed from Twilight completely over time. Elizabeth James was one of these authors and that’s where it got so much popularity as an ebook, then once a publishing company saw the numbers they offered to do a book deal, etc. etc. etc. So, please if you only take one thing away from this article, let it be this: 50 Shades of Grey is TWILIGHT FAN FICTION.

For those of you who have been living under a rock (a wonderful wonderful rock) 50 Shades of Grey is literotica (light on the lit) about an English major Anastasia Steele, who comes across a millionaire that is also into BDSM and SUPER weird about it. There are plenty of people who are into BDSM that aren’t fucking creepo & weird but that is not the case here today over at 50 Shades of I Can’t Tell You About My Past And Sign This Contract Saying I Can Rape You.

Anyway Jesus Christ, I could have gotten past all the horrible messaging about relationships (It’s normal for someone to isolate you from your family and friends! And want to know where you are every moment! And demand that you do whatever they want sexually! And want to OWN you!) had the sex scenes been good because then it would have been somewhat worth it. But they were not. They were SO BAD. The best one  (that was simply okay) was the first one (after he finds out she’s a virgin) and instead of wanting to fuck her on a table full of glass shards (or whatever) he’s like, “Let me do this right.” Which also DEAR LORD that virginal/purity bullshit I can’t even get into because I fear if I roll my eyes that far back into my head they won’t come back.

But all the other sex scenes are shot in this weird spliced/montage format where they show Christian Grey (BY THE WAY THE WORST FUCKING NAME) like, whipping a flogger up and down but we don’t see it hitting her, just the action of him doing it. Repeatedly. There’s also no frontal nudity in this movie. Let me say that again. This sex novel that’s about sex and people having sex, doesn’t show anything but secondary sex characteristics. We see her boobs. And both butts….there were better sex scenes in Bad Santa than this movie.

The movie ends on a cliffhanger because there are three books and they’re going to milk every possible dime out of this franchise, I mean, the story was too much to fit into two hours! Selma covered most of the Civil Rights movement in the same time, but this is much more complicated than that! He likes using his tie when they fuck!! You can’t explain that in just one movie!!!!!!

The whole narrative of this “film” revolves around a contract he wants her to sign that says she’ll be his sex slave/submissive, and she doesn’t want to sign it because free will (pesky ole thing) and he keeps throwing these rich person temper tantrums and buying her stuff whenever he doesn’t get his way and she’s like “I find this behavior charming because you’re attractive and rich even though it’s textbook emotional abuse!” Then that just happens over and over again until she’s like, “Why do you want to punish me?” and he’s like “BECAUSE I’M FUCKED UP” (so dramatic) and broods/plays piano then she’s like “Show me, I can’t understand unless you show me what you want to do to me” so he spanks her kind of hard (? She’s also 85 pounds so everything is relative) and she’s cries and says “You’ll never do that to me again” then leaves crying and they both say each other’s names dramatically as the elevator doors are closing. Then the movie is over.

It’s just, so awful.

3/10 Could not finish masturbating even once

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One Response to 50 Shades of Grey

  1. sbrezins says:

    love it

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