Jennifer’s Body

jennifers-body1

Why does everyone hate this movie? Like okay I get it, it was campy as fuck but not in a Shoot’em Up kind of way, more like in a Twilight kind of way if Twilight was written by Diablo Cody and had more gore. I liked it to be honest. But I get it. When you have a character whose last line is, “my tit” it’s kind of hard to enjoy things. However there were so many amazing things in this movie, I think people are really missing out by pre-judging as I once did.

Loosely summarized, this is a movie about a hot girl who gets sacrificed to Satan but since she’s not a virgin she becomes the victim of demonic possession and keeps eating the flesh of men to satiate her blood lust. The story is told from the perspective of her lifelong but not as hot (aka wears glasses) best friend who is literally named “Needy” (Not very subtle there Diablo). But honestly I think that was the point. It was supposed to be a gory lolzfest- or as they are more often called, a “dark comedy.”

Megan Fox plays Jennifer, the hot one (duh) and Amanda Seyfried plays the nerdy one (not duh) and they are best best friends. It wouldn’t be the mid-2000’s if you had two hot girls in a movie who are friends who don’t have some sort of weird lesbian undertones to their relationship (all girls can be lesbians! but only if they’re both pretty!) so, true to form, ATTN: BOYS  they have  a makeout scene. It’s pretty hot.

But to back up. The whole thing starts because Jennifer & Needy go to a bar called Melody Lane to see a band called “Low Shoulder” because Jennifer thinks the lead singer is hot (I mean, “super salty”). They go to the bar, and WHO IS THIS MASKED MAN OF MYSTERY??? Adam Brody. I repeat, Adam Brody plays the lead singer of an indie-rock band called “Low Shoulder” in the movie Jennifer’s Body. Is that not funny enough for you? Because it gets better. So basically, there is a casual inferno at the bar and like nine people die but Needy and Jennifer manage to escape unscathed. As does Low Shoulder frontman Adam Brody who callously hits on Jennifer while there are literally still people running out of the bar on fire, the smell of their seared flesh permeating the air (I assume). She’s like rly fucked up because she took these shots that were red white and blue and called, I swear to God, “The 9/11 Tribute Shooter”-not even gonna touch that one-and she decides to go with Adam into his unmarked tour van and they drive off into the night.

Needy is justifiably upset but somehow gets home even though Jennifer was her ride and has the keys to the car they came in and everyone else is basically dead.

Rant: I HATE this in movies, they do this all the time, things just WORK OUT with people getting to and from places but SHE DIDN’T DRIVE THERE and it’s been established that her mom works nights and I don’t know how mobile her boyfriend is, but they did NOT ADDRESS THIS. I just need things to be kind of plausible, that’s all.  It just seems like a lazy thing to forget about, just show me how she got home. I don’t mind that demonic possession is happening or the blood vile she vomits or  that she can hover but for the love of God if someone doesn’t have a car or a ride plz explain to me how they traveled the I’m sure 10 miles from this fucking burned down bar back to their house. Thank you. 

So Needy is on the phone with her boyfriend because she hears some creepy shit outside- cue all the classic horror movie shots: descending a darkened stairway, opening a creaky front door bathed in moonlight, seeing a shadow move behind someone until it’s just out of frame when they turn around, etc. It turns out to be a bloody Jennifer who (as mentioned in the rant) vomits this black blood bile stuff, eats a Boston Market chicken on the floor (lol) and peaces out. Amanda is super upset but then the next day in school Jennifer sits beside her in Chemistry, hot as ever, and everything seems to be fine/better than fine in her world. She’s super betchy and her hair is glossy af.

But later that day someone else gets murdered (!) and it was Jennifer- in a kind of inverse Snow White thing, she eats this football player’s stomach in the woods while all these animals gather and watch her. Then she swims naked through this huge lake.

Meanwhile, Amanda is freaked out but she gets over it I guess. Also, throughout, we’ve seen Amanda’s interactions with this alt boy named Colin who is apparently “an amazing writer.” Yes, he wears eyeliner. Yes, he has a lip piercing. Anyway, he and Amanda are kind of friends (he sincerely tells her he’s happy she didn’t die) and he asks out Jennifer (to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show to which she replies she doesn’t like boxing movies) and she says no, then says yes (“I just got Aquamarine on DVD”) once Needy mentions that she thinks he’s cool. This is clearly a ploy to eat him seeing as they have nothing in common (re: Rocky Horror/Aquamarine) and she does in this weird candlelit abandoned building while AKON IS PLAYING (amazing). Parallel to this scene, Amanda/Needy is having sex with her boyfriend (I think for the first time) but she is having these weird sensory hallucinations about Jennifer and the people she’s killed/is currently killing. So she leaves and literally runs into a post-cannibal feast Jennifer in the street. She drives home, and Jennifer is waiting for her and this is when the makeout happens and also when we hear about the indie band satanic sacrifice (writing that sentence made my life complete).

Side note: the sex scene between Needy and her boyfriend (Chip) was incredibly well done and realistic. They are both relaxed but nervous and laughing at the condom and saying things that normal people would say and when they’re making out he’s feeling her up in a way I feel like they never show in movies, and the whole scene has a very relatable/true feel to it. I’ve been trying to figure out the whole time why this movie has such a bad rap because I love the director and most people love the writer and I’m trying to pinpoint public opinion. I think people didn’t see the movie as having a sense of humor about itself? Or maybe they didn’t? But I think it’s generally underrated. I’m not saying it should be in Sundance but it’s also not a horrible piece of shit like so many movies are. The vast majority in fact. #Battleship.

We learn a few things about the sacrifice from this telling, mainly that the band sang 867-5309/Jenny (get it?) to her as they stabbed her brutally, and that THE BEST OC REFERENCE EVER MADE OCCURRED in which ADAM BRODY goes, “Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we’re all so cute and it’s like if you don’t get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you’re screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope.” ……………………………………I can’t.

She also cuts her arm open with a pen and then shows Amanda how it closes back up, “That’s like some X-Men shit.” Yes, yes it is. But once Amanda gets to the part where Jennifer is killing boyz to live she’s no longer down and tells her to leave. So Jennifer jumps out of a two-story window in a huff. They don’t talk for a few days and Needy/Amanda confronts her boyfriend to tell him about Jennifer.

“She’s evil”

“I know”

“No, not like high school evil, real evil.”

Then she proceeds to make him promise he won’t go to the dance (of course they have a big dance coming up, and of course they can’t go together. When will everyone in movies realize you HAVE to go to the dance with people?? It’s the only way to keep them from being murdered) but duh he goes to the dance anyway. But on his way to said dance, Jennifer intercepts and tells him that Amanda has been being weird lately because she and Colin (alt poetry boy) were fucking. Chip is upset and Jennifer takes this opportunity to hit on him and drag him to an abandoned green house/pool-because every high school has one of those lying around.

But Amanda has her weird murder-y lesbian psychic powers and senses that Chip is about to be eaten so she runs to the greenhouse. Let me just take a moment to say that the dresses each of these girls was wearing were so hideous I forgot I was watching a movie and felt genuine pity for both of them before remembering it wasn’t real. Megan Fox who couldn’t look bad if she tried DID in this weird tiered white and black cake topper/Morticia Addams bridesmaid dress. Amanda Seyfriend looked like a barbie that got shoved into a light socket and posthumously wrapped in fuchsia tulle. Terrible.

When she gets in there, Jennifer has her demon jaw unhinged and is eating his throat (Roadhouse!!) and Amanda jumps at her. They have a very low-key fight in the water, Chip stabs Jennifer with a metal rod, she bounces. Amanda and Chip have their final moments together as he dies, she bemoans that her cell phone isn’t waterproof. Cut to Megan Fox at her house in leg warmers, watching informercials for some sort of butt exercise, Amanda comes in and kills her. Jennifer’s mom comes in and finds her daughter’s best friend straddling her dead and very bloody corpse. Interesting.

The first scene of this movie I should add opens on Needy in prison so we knew some shit was gonna go down. Then she breaks out of prison because she’s a BAMF, and the last scene of the movie is her hitchhiking and when the guy asks where she’s going she says she’s “following a band” then they drive away and there’s a road sign that says Low Shoulder. Subtle.

Then while the credits roll there are these photos of the band that look like a spread in Elle, like expensive french fries and champagne and the band (ADAM BRODY) hanging out in limos and hotel rooms, blah, then it’s all crime scene photos and them dead then surveillance cam footage of Amanda Seyfried leaving their hotel room wearing all black and looking out with steely resolve.

Overall I really enjoyed this movie even though I watched a really shitty quality version of it online (which I would highly recommend). It was interesting and funny and entertaining. Also Megan Fox really is so hot.

Bonus: Amy Sedaris plays Amanda Seyfried’s mom, Chris Pratt plays some murdered jock in a bar, and J.K. Simmons plays a high school teacher with a hook for a hand (unexplained). There’s also a cool scene where she burns her tongue with a lighter. Also the soundtrack was kind of good.

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One Response to Jennifer’s Body

  1. Chanel says:

    Needy’s name is Anita not Amanda. Jennifer did even drink those red, white, and blue shots, she sets it down when the band starts playing.

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