MEANGIRLS

Just bought Mean Girls on DVD. Haven’t seen in in a couple of months. Excited. I’m off to a great start because not only is this one of the best movies in the whole world, but the previews on the DVD include School of Rock (great) and The Perfect Score, (which reminded me that people made an entire movie about kids stealing the answers to the SAT…and Scarlett Johanssen is in it and she pretends to be Trinity from the Matrix) but there’s also there’s a trailer for The Prince & Me that I got COMPLETELY sucked into…Julia Styles has really cornered the teen drama market. The highlight of this preview is when she is at the prince’s house/mansion for dinner and she’s like, “but have you ever tried the sour cream and onion Pringles?”

Also there’s this weird voice-over that’s right before the menu starts for Mean Girls that’s like, “Now Available on DVD” just letting me know that Clueless, Crossroads and Save the Last Dance are now available on DVD…I know. That was like ten years ago. But onto Mean Girls!!!!!!

(The rating for this movie is PG-13 for “Language, Sexual Content and Some Teen Partying.” I’m not joking, that’s what the rating for this movie is. lol). I’m not going to do plot narration for this movie because who hasn’t seen Mean Girls?? This will just be a highlights reel, like live tweeting but all in one place.

-LL is supposed to be 16 in this movie?? Say what now

-this monologue about how home-schooled kids are supposed to be weird or oddly religious and they cut to these kids in overalls, “And on the third day God created the Remington automatic rifle. So men could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals. Amen. ” God bless Tina Fey.

-Walking to school, she almost gets hit by a bus- I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! Cyclical story-telling. Poetic symmetry (also her overprotective parents are the janitor from Scrubs and Ana Gasteyer (that’s a difficult last name to spell) from SNL. Comedy).

-OH MY GOD I’M FREAKING OUT. LIZZY CAPLAN IS JANICE IAN!!! She’s also in Hot Tub Time Machine and a short film called Successful Alcoholics that I just watched- but I could never remember what I know her from because her eyeliner and hair are so weird in this movie but THIS IS IT!!! She’s so beautiful, you can’t really tell in this but she’s gorg, truly a thinking man’s dream girl!

-THAT BOY’S FACE when Cady is picking seats and Janice vetoes one because “he farts a lot” omg his face . Also lol that Tina Fey comes in with a cup of coffee and an entire box of doughnuts to her morning class, I know she wasn’t planning on sharing.

-This Tim Meadows/Tina exchange is priceless: ‘So how was your summer?’ ‘I got divorced.’ My carpal tunnel came back.’ ‘I win.’

-Can we please just take a moment to realize how beautiful Tina Fey is?? She always hides it with weird faces but she has good highlights right now (honeyed) and natural makeup and she looks so pretty even under all that coffee and divorce.

-HAHA when Tim Meadows pronounces her name wrong and then apologizes, “My apologies. I have a nephew named Anferny and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anferny.” Like honestly, we’re not even four minutes in yet and there’s already SO MUCH GOLD!

sidenote: There is a sadness to this movie though, because Lindsay Lohan has completely fallen out of reality and now lives in a weird grimy world of botox, street drugs and alcoholism. But here she looks so fresh faced and large chested. These were the good old days. For this two hours, this is how we will think of Lindsay. In this beautiful bubble back when she was a redhead with freckles and not a blonde with a drinking problem.

-Where is this movie supposed to take place? She just said the line, ‘I had a lot of friends in Africa. But so far, none in Evanston.” That’s right after she walks up to a table of black kids and says, “Jambo.” I just looked it up- it’s a Chicago suburb- Evanston, Illinois. You’re welcome?

-Damian, Damian, Damian. Possibly my favorite character in the entire movie, potentially just for his Danny Devito line in the girl’s bathroom but I’m getting way ahead of myself here. Right now this profusion of love is brought on by the scene where he asks Cady why she likes math and she says, ‘because it’s the same in every country’ and he goes, ‘that’s kind of beautiful.’ Marry me!

-Alright now we’re getting to the good stuff- descriptions of plastics during gym class- “That one’s Karen Smith. She sat next to Damian in English. ‘She asked me how to spell orange.”

-Now we’re on individual interviews describing Regina George: “Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues. One time she punched me in the face…it was awesome.”

-Janice hands Cady possibly the best prop in this movie aside from those candy cane santa’s helper outfits in the talent show… the map to the cafeteria. The stereotypes are broken down so completely, the judgmental bitch in me was crying out of happiness. Clearly ‘sexually active band geeks’ and ‘cool asians’ were the standouts but they were all great.

-Introduction to Regina George: “Do you want to have sex with him?” Cady: “No thank you.” RG: “Good. it’s settled. So you can go shave your back now.”  Also BEST PART OF THE MOVIE (I’m probably going to say that a couple more times but whatever) when Regina is asking Cady why she hasn’t seen her around and she says because she was home-schooled and Regina says ‘what?’ and Cady starts to explain and she goes, “No I know what home-schooled is I’m not retarded.”

-Other gems from this first lunch table interaction: Karen: “So if you’re from Africa, why are you white?” Gretchen: “Oh my god Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re white.”

-Also later in the bathroom (when the infamous Devito line occurs) Damian right before uttering that beauty whispers about Regina, “she’s fabulous but she’s evil.”

-In math class when Cady discovers her crush on Aaron Samuels: “I’ve only had one other crush in my life. His name was Nafumbe (????) and we were five. It didn’t work out. But this one hit me like a big yellow school bus.” I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE AGAIN. (Also in the flashback with Nafumbe, why isn’t she a ginger? She has like wavy brown hair. Hmm).

-Question for adult Cady- why must you insist on wearing a shapeless cargo jacket and parting your hair in the middle? I suppose to highlight the later transformation to plastic, but people in Africa can have style too, I’m just saying.

– Gretchen says ‘irregardless.’ That and, “Ex-boyfriends are off limits to friends, that’s just like, the rules of feminism.”

-God bless Kevin Gnapoor. Or Allah. Who cares, everyone should bless him. The infamous quad scene, “Get in loser we’re going shopping.” I feel somewhat silly writing these down because everyone already knows them.

-My friend Helen made a facebook page called Generally Forgotten Mean Girl Quotes and left it  blank because there are none. Every single quote in this movie is something people say all the time in normal conversation. Tina Fey.

-AND WE’RE AT REGINA’S HOUSE. Amy Poehler as this fake breasted clueless waspy rich mom was just the bees knees. “There are no rules in this house. I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” Also the Chihuahua she’s carrying is wearing a feather boa. Also Cady gets introed to the burn book then later tells Janice and Damian about it at the generic Bed Bath and Beyond store in the mall Janice works at. They also run into Ms. Norbury here, where Janice appropriately comments, “I love seeing teachers outside of school it’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.” …Also the bar Ms. Norbury bartends at is called ‘P.J Calamity’s’ how she ever said that line with a straight face, I’ll never know.

-Onto the Aaron Samuels crush after the three way calling attack where Regina sort of gave Cady her blessing. “On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was.” ‘What day is it?’ ‘It’s October 3rd.’ “But I wanted things to move faster than this.” Then she says gruel. It’s funny how gruel caught on when Gretchen worked so hard for fetch to take off.

-Particularly relevant because it’s October: “In the normal world, Halloween is when children dress up and get candy. In girl world, it’s the one time in the year a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything to her about it. The hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears.” Cut to Karen in a neglige with mouse ears on. Right before she hits on her cousin.

-Drama at this Halloween party- Regina makes out with Aaron and they get back together, Cady is devastated. This propels the revenge plan she, Janice, and Damian start. But it’s slow going. As Janice says, “This sucks you guys. It’s been a month and all we’ve managed to do is make Regina’s face smell like a foot.” To which Damian replies, “I’ve been really busy with choir.” But then Regina’s coming over and Janice and Damian have to lickety split but she sees them talking anyway which prompts DEFINITELY the best part of the whole movie which is the monologue about Janice being a lesbian and Regina’s pool party. I won’t quote it here because it’s too long and who doesn’t already know it by heart, but I’ll be thinking it in my head for the rest of this post.

-Okay but see clearly I spoke too soon, because the next scene is the Glen Coco scene which I obviously forgot about when I said the best part of the movie already happened. It’s so hard when everything is perfect. Ahhh and now we’re at the talent show with Tim Meadows still sporting his carpal tunnel cast, “Welcome to the North Shore talent show! Let me hear you make some noise! …Alright settle down.” The first act is Damian in a white suit jacket singing “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera and when he whispers, “Don’t look at me” before the song starts, Tina Fey (who is on piano) looks away. Muah. The Kevin G. rap is unparalleled this goes without saying.

-Watching their Jingle Bell Rock dance brings back mixed memories because I had to memorize & perform it as an opener to a show I was in once. It’s actually kind of difficult, they just make it look easy. Or maybe the pleather makes the moves feel more fluid, I wouldn’t know. But the boombox to the face is another huge highlight of this movie. OKAY the only flaw in this entire movie is the repetition in the line, “Gretchen stop trying to make fetch happen. It’s not going to happen.” That bothers me every time. Couldn’t she have chosen a different word to say? She just said ‘happen’ like a second ago. It just sounds weird to me. But, nothing is perfect. The movie needed to have one flaw.

-When Gretchen Weiners cracks it’s…wonderful. Who knew white gold hoops could be such a source of pain? Lol rescheduling swim team practice to the projection room above the auditorium. That would never work, there’s no water there! So silly! One thing I love about this movie is that it makes people look stupid all the time. Even people who are supposed to be perfect by high school standards- like when Cady falls in the trash can when they’re walking down the hall or when Gretchen gets hit in the head with a ball during gym, etc.

-Janice and Cady: “What is that smell?” “Regina gave me some perfume.” “You smell like a baby prostitute.” “Thanks.”

-Cady and Karen after Regina called Karen stupid: “You’re not stupid Karen.” “No, I am actually.”

-Just realized that Tina Fey is eating doughnuts in the ‘I’m a pusher’ scene- will be more vigilant to see if she’s eating doughnuts in all her scenes. Gretchen wearing a black and pink shirt that says, ‘socialite.’ Regina eating doughnuts while she talks to Cady on the phone about Spring Fling. When Karen says, “I can’t go out tonight, I’m sick.” and Regina, “Boo you whore.” I just don’t think I could find a girl between the ages of 16 and 35 who doesn’t know that line. And similarly, “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.” These quotables just keep on coming. “But you love Ladysmith Black Mambazo” …also ew I found another flaw- in the scene where Cady’s parents are driving away and she’s about to not go to Janice’s art show, she’s wearing bell bottoms with high heels. Disgusting. LL has some questionable fashion choices in this, there’s a horizontal striped skirt I think everyone is trying to forget. Also when she’s trying to look hot for the party she wears that dress that has like a racing stripe down it? Made of pink satin? All I could think was Herbie Fully Loaded.

-When things go wrong at her party Cady follows the age old high school adage, ‘jello shots in times of crisis.’ Ooh damn the meltdown scene following the party is rough- Janice lays into Cady for being a bitch, Regina finds out what Calteen bars actually are thanks to her weightlifting hook up buddy, the shit really hits the proverbial fan.

-So Regina goes apeshit and that’s when she turns the burn book in to the principal and the whole school goes bananas. (B-a-n-a-n-a-s. Ever since that song came out, I can’t say it without spelling it in my head. It’s like a pop curse). Gretchen trying to get out of trouble: “I don’t think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.” Also, the idea of a rumor about somebody being that they made out with a hot dog is the single funniest thing I can think of. And that upon reading this, her defense was, “Oh my god, that was ONE time” is even better.

-“Come quick! They’ve gone wild! THE GIRLS HAVE GONE WILD.” It’s so hard not to be hyperbolic in this post (not that I’ve ever tried not to before) but like, that simply is the best line ever written. Then Tim Meadows in a blaze of action, “Aw hell naw I did not leave the South Side for this” hits the fire alarm and the sprinklers go on. So all the junior girls are corralled to the gym for trust falls. Flaw alert- in this scene Cady is wearing high heeled flip flops. I know 2004 was a while ago, but come on.

-When Tim Meadows is talking about fixing the way they relate to each other, “lady to lady” I can only hear him as the Ladies Man. But then when the super jumbo tampon girl pipes up, all that is forgotten. “Somebody said that I’m lying in that book about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons. But I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina.”

-Also, hidden message: “You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores, it just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.” PREACH TINA PREACH. FEMINISM FOR ALL!!!

-Best trust fall, the girl in the wheelchair: “Laura, I don’t hate you because you’re fat. You’re fat because I hate you.” And, “I wish I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles and we’d all eat it and be happy” Then Damian from the back, “She doesn’t even go here!” Janice Ian’s speech where she outlines everything she and Cady did then says, “I don’t know why I did it, probably because I’ve got a big LESBIAN crush on you” then does a sort of Last of the Mohicans battle cry while falling. Cady is crying, Regina runs out into traffic right as school is getting out, which explains how, spoiler alert, she got hit by that school bus.

-Cady gets it pretty bad at home during this time, “This is the fertility vase of the Umdabelli (???) tribe. Does that mean ANYTHING to you??” And it’s bad at school. Okay but another problem I’ve always had- Janice & Damian remove the desk she always sits in so the only open one is the one right behind that boy who farts a lot but there’s an empty space behind it where her other desk used to be. Why doesn’t she just push the desk back?? Are they bolted to the floor? This confuses me always.

-But, Cady repents/confesses and things start to get back on track. There’s of course a big dance to culminate the end of the year and of course there is a ‘getting ready’ montage for everyone. Regina puts flowers on her neck/head brace which her mom then dismantles,  Karen puts a backwards diamond ‘K’ on in the mirror, Damian and Janice wear matching purple tuxes (and we see the Mariah poster he has in his room), and Cady is in her mathletes gear instead of the ugly dress she has hanging up because she sacrifices things for other people now!

-More hidden life lessons at this math competition: “Calling someone else fat doesn’t make you skinnier. Calling someone else dumb doesn’t make you any smarter…all you can do in life is try and solve the problem in front of you.” SO they win the mathlete’s thing, go to the dance, Cady wins the crown. But then in a magnanimous and symbolic gesture she breaks it into little pieces and throws them in the crowd for everyone. Blah blah. Ew another flaw, in her speech (which Tim Meadows continually points out is unecessary) she says of Regina George, “she fractured her spine and she still looks like a rock star.” When people describe other people as ‘rock stars’ when they are not playing music is makes my gag reflex act up. And during the clapping after this part they play what I’m assuming is African tribal music. Very odd.

-Then Cady kisses Aaron, he says gruel, it’s cute. Then everyone makes out with everyone! Most exciting is Janice Ian and Kevin Gnapoor. Quick shot of new life- Regina as a filed hockey jock, Karen as the weather girl with ESPN, Gretchen as asian, Cady as Cady. Shot of new junior plastics and a flash dream where they get hit by a bus, then the movie’s over! Over. We mustn’t acknowledge that Mean Girls 2 was made, because maybe if we just ignore it, it’ll go away.

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2 Responses to MEANGIRLS

  1. Anonymous says:

    i know i hate when she calls regina a rock star!!!!! gag me! only flaw. how much do i love mean girls?? the limit does not exist.

    –kaite b

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