Haywire

Okay so tonight I tried to watch Haywire because it was on instant and you never know how long things are going to stay on there and I kind of wanted to see it. BUT I actually could not get through it because it was so horrible. Completely awful.

So, it’s starring Gina Carano who used to be a MMA fighter/champion so it was cool that she could actually fight- that’s one of the main reasons I actually wanted to see it. Cause to be honest the trailer made it look like a female Bourne sort of thing and I legitimately hated those movies (except for the first one and the most recent one. So really just the second and third). It’s like shitty plot leaps in between shaky cam car chases. I felt carsick during the third one and I was seated indoors.

But so, it looked kind of bad but I was like, okay this could be cool. WELL guess what it wasn’t. At all. First of all, the description on Netflix was “action drama whatever starring ‘stunning’ Gina Carano” which I know shouldn’t have, but pissed me off. I hate when people use adjectives that are really over the top. Like if you read the back of some small low budget indie comedy about someone going back home to live with their parents after some tragedy and the back of the dvd describes it as “hilarious.” Like, there are really funny things I wouldn’t even describe as hilarious. I don’t know it seems pushy. Like- don’t tell me what to think. Why do they have to tell me she’s stunning? Isn’t she starring in this movie? Isn’t there a photo of her on the cover of this dvd? Can’t I figure it out for myself? Also I don’t particularly think she’s stunning so it doubly annoyed me. She’s kind of a hard faced pretty, like a Rene Russo. It’s like a wide face big chin kind of look which works for a lot of people but isn’t my aesthetic. But I’m not saying she can’t be pretty, she’s definitely pretty it’s just annoying that that’s what they chose to describe the movie by- like really? You had nothing else about this two hour movie to put in a three sentence description?

Oh my god also I’m just guessing on time length because I didn’t even get through the whole thing. Which is a huge point of pride for me that I stick with movies to the end. Melancholia is an example of a movie that was really slow/a little painful in the beginning, but completely paid off in the end. Haywire was so godawful I honestly couldn’t bear more of it. Like yes, the fighting was good but I have ESPN classics, I don’t need to sit through this slow ass movie if I don’t have to.

Basically, this girl is supposed to be a secret agent killer type and she fucks up a job and then they turn on her and she’s trying to escape? That second part is just a guess because FORTY MINUTES into the movie, they hadn’t turned on her yet. IT’S IN THE PREVIEW. WE KNOW IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. UGH. And it’s not even like there’s interesting things going on, just that one took a while, NO there’s these slow ass scenes of exposition but there’s little to no dialogue just montages set to music where things are going on but they seem to make no sense- it’s just shots of operatives going into buildings then coming out, then setting explosives, then shaking hands with some dude with a briefcase…kill me. I didn’t know what was going on. Maybe I just wasn’t paying enough attention or maybe I’m just stupid but whatever it was I was NOT getting whatever it was I was supposed to be getting from these REALLY LONG montages. Then there would be a scene with clipped dialogue and it just didn’t make any sense. I didn’t know anyone’s motivations, or get a feel for their characters, it was all one note.

Oh my god and there were so many stupid cliches, like after their first mission, Gina and Channing Tatum (one of the other operatives) are having a somewhat forced conversation and she’s drinking a glass of wine and cleaning her gun (KILL ME) and he’s like “Is this how you relax?” and she’s like “Yeah.” THEN they have this STUPID rushed sex scene where she basically just walks over to him and pulls his belt open and undoes his pants after seemingly hating him for all their interactions prior to this point and as an audience member I was just like WTF. Like it seems like such a male idea of sexuality: “So, she’s cleaning her gun, then she goes over to him and passionately hate fucks him cause she’s so attracted to him she can’t resist.” Blech.

And there was this other montage about some maze and this guy who recognizes her, blah blah it made NO sense whatsoever. OH and the first scene of the movie is Channing Tatum trying to get her to go with him in his car but she won’t, so they fight, then she knocks him unconscious by breaking a glass coffee pot over his head and makes this other dude give her his car keys and then they drive away together and they keep cutting back to her and this random in the car and she’s quizzing/telling him about all the details of the assignment and everyone and it’s just the weirdest thing because you’re like 1. who is this 2. why is she telling him all these things 3. who is this and 4. why is she telling him all these things? Did. Not. Understand.

Also she wears a bandana and one of those knit caps with the hard brim they always give girls when they’re trying to make them look tough in a movie. And she ACTUALLY has a scene where she’s just lounging in her apartment after taking a shower (then why is she in full makeup) in a SILK KIMONO then someone comes to the door so she gets her gun and prepares to fight them. With only her silk kimono and a gun. You start to feel like someone is trolling you as you watch this movie. Like really? You’re just joking with the kimono right? David Letterman is gonna pop out from behind those throw pillows right? (I actually hate David Letterman, he’s a terrible interviewer and he’s not funny. Chlesea Handler is a lot better). ANYWAY. Back to things that matter- oh no wait. This movie sucks.

So awful. I paused it on Netflix and never went back. That’s how bad it was. So, in summation: never watch this movie and just because someone is good at something in real life doesn’t mean I want to watch them doing it on film. Also ‘thriller’ was such a misnomer. I was so bored watching this movie I could have fallen asleep/checked my tumblr MANY times. And did.

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