Magic Mike

I watched this movie today. I was expecting it to be a heaping, steaming pile of shit, and when it wasn’t I think it tricked me into thinking I liked it. I still can’t tell how I feel. Channing Tatum, who looks suspiciously like a bloated dolphin as he gets older, plays “Magic Mike”- I’m not really sure where the magic part comes from, he doesn’t perform magic- maybe it’s magic that he is still thirty and wearing thongs. There’s a sort of stripper magic I could see there. Anyway. This is the ‘plot’ of this movie: Channing Tatum is a construction worker by day and stripper by night but what he really wants to get into is CUSTOM FURNITURE. Could his character in this movie be any gayer?? Like at one point he takes his little stripper prodigy to this store to buy dick accessories and tube socks.

His stripper prodigy is Adam, some dude he meets on construction and THAT NIGHT sees him out, takes him under his stripper wing, shows him the poles, you get it. Then they stay up until sunrise with these two girls and they jump into the water (well Adam jumps, Mike/Channing does a backflip) and as they’re floating together, Adam says, “I think we should be best friends.” Cute.

SO they do, and of course Adam has a really hot sister who he lives with, who Channing falls for and they have this charged relationship where she pushes him to do the right thing and be a better person and he makes jokes about how she likes breakfast food, etc. But so Adam is a lot younger, he’s allegedly 19…(really the actor is 22, but such is the world of television and movies). Just two guys, 19 and 30, young strippers out on the town…completely plausible and normal! Anyway. So Mike brings Adam to the place where he dances, run by a very oiled up Matthew McConaughey. They get him on the stage because an unreliable stripper is having muscle cramps or a bad reaction to steroids, or whatever happens to male strippers. Adam goes up, then poof! He starts working there.

But Adam starts to get into “the life” which means drugs, and he goes in with Tobias (the club’s overweight hispanic DJ) to sell 10,000 dollars worth of ecstasy. I’m not sure if it’s because I read a lot as a child and my high functioning decision-making skills developed faster, or because I was never a fucking idiot, but who thinks that’s going to be a good idea? Like, “Yes. I have no money to my name, but yes, I will let you give me 10,000$ worth of illegal drugs and I will sell it. No part of this will go wrong.”

So, SURPRISE he loses the drugs. Well he doesn’t lose them, but he leaves them at a sorority house he and Mike were ‘working’ because they got into a brawl with the dudes there because Adam gave one of their girlfriends ecstasy. No biggie. Then they did one of those ‘downward spiral’ montages where they show lots of images of the actors getting fucked up and making bad decisions and dancing and rave lights. I’m sure you can imagine it.

Oh all this time that Mike is in denial that he’s in love with the hot sister (whose name is Brooke) he’s fucking Olivia Munn and she’s this psychologist/lesbian and she turns out to be engaged. I would say sorry for the spoiler, but I don’t think it’s physically possible to spoil a movie that has no plot. Anyway- these drug dealer dudes come to Mike’s house looking for Adam, they break all his custom furniture, he gives them the 10,000 he’s been saving his whole stripper career, they go away.

This is never really acknowledged in the movie how much money that is to lend/pay on someone else’s behalf. Like, 10,000?? My parents wouldn’t give me that much money. He does it for this guy he’s known three months. THREE MONTHS. He’s been saving that his whole life!!!! And later casually, Adam is like, “I plan to pay you back every penny.” IN WHAT TEN YEARS?? You’re a stripper. He’s a stripper. That’s how he got it. It took him like six years…how the eff are you going to make 10,000 DOLLARS?? You better be stripping on a pyramid of gold while drunk women throw diamonds at you to make ten thousand dollars anytime soon. Maybe it’s because I’m in a financially precarious place in my life right now but I was freaking out about this and no one in the movie seemed to care.

So, then they make up, Mike decides he isn’t going to Miami- the “Cock Rocking Kings of Tampa” are moving to Miami btw at the behest of Mr. McConaughey- but Mike decides not to go, he stays in Tampa to be with Abbie Cornish, I mean Cody Horn, I mean Brooke. Then the last scene of the movie, he goes over, they sort of have a heart to heart and decide that they’re going to go on a date but in six hours after they have sex. Literally. They discuss and decide that. But right when you think you’re gonna see it, they just kiss and the movie’s over.

Now, for this next part to make sense I have to explain to you the climate I saw this movie in. It was 4:30 on a Saturday. At 23 I was the youngest person in the theatre

probably by about 15 years. When the cut to black happened after the kiss and the credits came on and the theatre realized they weren’t getting a sex scene, there was a very audible “Are you KIDDING me?” from the back and a “what the fuck?” from the front. These women were PISSED. I can’t really tell you why, but middle-aged women love Channing Tatum.

Inexplicably. Like, I get it, his jaw looks like it was cut out of stone, but MOST young male actors are ridiculously good-looking…that’s why they’re actors. That’s why they have their face projected on a screen the size of a wall. Because they’re good-looking. The other dude, the one who played Adam, Alex Pettyfer is INSANELY hot. But for some reason, women go apeshit over Channing especially. Maybe it’s because he can dance/play soccer/fight? Like, word got out he does all his own stunts and women respect that and think it’s more real? I have no idea. But whatever it is he’s got it. The buzz surrounding this movie was unreal…I heard SO MANY people talking about it and it looked SO BAD. But hey, whatever. I was entertained. Stripper with a heart of gold is a cliché for a reason.

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