Panic Room

I just watched Panic Room. First of all, Jared Leto in cornrows, still hot. Forrest Wittaker as a burglar, still the character you empathize the most with. Kristen Stewart as a ten year old with badditude and a bowl cut? Better than her emotionally stunted willowy teenage counterpart. But WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO FOREST WHITAKER AT THE END OF THE MOVIE??

Okay so essentially, Panic Room is a movie about a woman (Jodie Foster) and her child (Kristen Stewart) who move into a new apartment. The mom is recently divorced blah blah. The guy who owned it before was super rich and had a secret vault that he told one of his grandkids (Jared Leto) about who is a sort of fuck up delinquent type- so he has brought two other dudes to steal the money from the safe which is located in the panic room. Of course. A panic room is a sealed off tiny ass room that is equipped to deal with all types of home invasion and general brands of misfortune should it befall the homeowner.

So when these dudes break into the house, Jodie and Kristen (Meg and something? They don’t really use each other’s names in the movie, til like an hour and a half in, I didn’t even know they had names) go into the panic room and put that shit on lockdown, but that’s exactly where the theives want to be. This is essentially an improv game where two people have conflicting motives. Because comedy often comes out of not getting what you want or difficult situations. So Panic room was hilarious. Just kidding. It was really intense and stressful. So then they do this whole back and forth cat and mouse thing, where the robbers try and get them to come out and they try and get the robbers to leave. Through this back and forth we learn more about the characters. We learn Jared Leto is not super mean or crazy, just kind of greedy. When his face and the entire right side of his body catch on blue propane flames he sort of gives up on the whole project and wants to go. This is where we learn one of the other burglars, Raoul, is fucking insane. Because it is at this point that he shoots Jared Leto in the head. And kills him. Watching it you’re like, Raoul, calm down. You’re wearing a ski mask- you clearly have bigger problems. (Which when he takes the mask off later, is completely confirmed- dude has obviously never heard of conditioner). The last burglar is Forest Whittaker who, let’s be honest, I could never not like in a role even if he was drowning babies in a bucket full of the tears of small animals he’s killed. Actually maybe that would do it for me. Anyway, F.W is the ‘burgalar with the heart of gold’ he’s just doing it to get money to support his family and kids. At times you even end up supporting him, you’re like “Rob, Forrest, Rob!” (say this aloud in a slightly southern accent, you’ll get where I was going).

More things learned: Jodie Foster has just a touch of claustrophobia and Kristen Stewart has diabetes or low blood sugar or something. She wears this digital watch bracelet that monitors her blood sugar and it keeps going down. Unfortunately for Kristen in the heavy duty supply boxes the panic room comes stocked with, no one planned for a diabetic child. So there’s no sugar to be found. It’s like the opposite of the scene in Willy Wonka right when they go into his workshop. It’s the complete opposite of that. No suagr anywhere.

Okay but so a lot of shit goes down, the police come, Jodie gives a stunning performance where she’s like..”I was drunk, I didn’t call cause there are three strange men in my house trying to kill me and my child,  I was wigging out because I’m alone and I was just booty calling my ex-husband.” And you’re like damn Jodie, I see you. Actress in here. But so the police leave. Oh the dad/ex-husband “Stephen” is here at this point. He got the shit beat out of him. He really didn’t help at all. Also people keep going in and out of the panic room, at this point Jodie’s out, Kristen’s in, and the two still-alive burglars are in.

But like okay, so they get the 22 million in bonds (lord only knows what that means- I know it’s paper made by the government, but is it backed by the gold standard? Is that something else? Why is it called a bond? What kind of increments do they come in? How do you spend them? etc, etc, etc).  But so they have it, then they’re trying to get out but Jodie has the upper hand at this point. She has the gun- she locked some doors- between Taxi Driver, The Accused and The Brave One- you kind of accept that Jodie Foster knows how to deal with abusive men. So like, they come out, people get shot. Forrest gets out, but then the sadistic robber who probably dresses as a clown and rapes people on the weekend gets a SLEDGEHAMMER and is about to smash everyone’s fucking face in (after he punches a ten year old Kristen Stewart in the EYE) when Forest comes BACK and stops him…but then the police are there and they shine lights on him and he has to drop all the bonds and they blow around/away in the wind and it cuts to Jodie whose eyes just widen and the whole time you’re like- she needs to intervene, he just came back and saved her life, how is she gonna do him like that? But then blackout and it cuts to Jodie and Kristen looking for apartments on a park bench in New York with their bruises and cuts still fresh.Okaaaaay. but this brings me to my original point, WHAT THE F HAPPENED TO FOREST WHITAKER???? Did he die? Did Jodie help him out? Is he okay??? Did he get any money for his kids? Was he shot?? ? I repeat IS HE OKAY? Cmon.

Like okay I’ve seen Inception and Rules of Attraction, I know this is a choice directors make where they end the movie without telling you decisively what happens, so you have to make the choice yourself and it says something about you and it starts discussions blah blah. JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED. That shit is lazy if you don’t do it right. You’re supposed to leave one question in the audience’s mind to answer, like ‘did that top fall over,’ ‘was it reality or a dream?’ You’re not supposed to create an entire plot arch, develop characters, introduce a conflict and semi-resolution then just stop there…that’s LAZY.

Like, I feel you…but just no.

Sidenote: The cleavage in this movie was pretty good for it being a mother daughter emotional action drama type of thing. Jodie wears a black tank top without a bra and she keeps running around and bending down. Like girl, maybe when you went into the other room to get some insulin, you could have grabbed a bra or a robe or something. Just saying.

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